I hope things are good, I am well, but wish to share a bit more of my past. It is a away for me to heal from what has happened is to share what trauma or what has scarred me inside. So bear in mind a lot of it is hazy as I attempted to build a fence around the past and forget it. Now I am taking those fences, walls down to let “her” understand what I have gone thru and let “her” flow through my heart and soul. So here it goes. : )
Aside from family the earliest “rough” time I had was in middle school. When family was in “chaos” over the brother and his first wife. I will not share anymore on that as it is a “family” matter still in the air. During that time in school I was called names and looked down upon. During lunch hour was only worse as I was physically abused and could not do much about it. As the staff and students cared not to report the case. Unless I swung first or even swung back. Also as a child of two educators that the faculty and teachers knew or met, I felt the pressure to be a good student. I did not care to stand up for myself, even when on my home from class when I was hit/bumped/ran over by a car I merely got up and continued my way forward to home. As time went on I felt I was worth nothing to nobody, which was not true. I have a knife in my room for when I need such a thing. Well one day after reading a book, probably a Star Wars novel. I was still sad and brought the knife out and held it to my neck. As things went through my mind, family came across my thoughts and there emotions displayed on them were the sad kind. So I then put the knife away and went to sleep. To this day though I hold silence about the event of that night, as not to hurt those that do care. I do speak about it to you now along with a few trusted friends.
The next “rough”. I want to say event was when a true friend of mine touched me in a way I did not like to be touched. We were in high school and he was curious so I was okay with him exploring his sexuality, as he was a close friend someone I could trust especially after middle school. Well we were out camping one weekend, something I do miss dearly getting in touch with nature. His dad and mine were sharing a tent so we shared another. That night, I wake up to him touching me a whispering sweat thing in my ear. For which I elbowed him and distance myself from him since that day. Here is the catch though I did not share this with his father or family nor mine. I believe my friend which I still trust, but have not seen for years. Deserves a catch at a good future and acceptance from his family. I do not want the attention of someone that was molested or raped, so I keep it secret amongst my family though not my friends that are close to me for they are good people and do not react harshly to what I share.
So after a smooth four years of high school causing a bit of trouble, keeping up my grades, and being accepted by classmates I was happy to graduate from there. I wanted to attend a university, but do to my brother squeezing out the families funds for various reasons. I chose to attend the local college. Learned a lot and had my mind opened to a great many things philosophies and understandings. Even to a intern job out of town for 8 months and had a blast of a time. With all good things though comes the bad, the yin yang effect. The bad was mostly the work being what it was, I made the best of it and smiled most days. I might share that experience another day.
While out of town though, I learned some lessons and my innocence was probably lost. I roomed with folks out of town total strangers, good people generally speaking. Just out to have fun, so was I. A coworker offered to cut my hair as I could not afford to have it cut in town. The economic situation is very different from where I came from at the time. So I agreed and again I was touched in places I would not like to be, and he was half way through with the hair cut when he did so I put up with it until the hair cut was done. He shaved the head clean off I was happy with that. Not that he touched me in places I like not be touched. So afterwards I gave him a cold shoulder from hell. I still to this day believe that anyone should be allowed to have a bright future regardless of there actions. So I did not report it as we were adults by that time. Just distance myself from him. Then a few months ran into another that did something similar, but he would not stop and kept pushing. So I did not report him even though I do not like him for it. During the next week he was hitting on me and I just fed him the middle finger and the cold shoulder.
For the next few years probably more, kept myself unclean unless there was a good reason to be clean aka funeral, wedding etc. As I noticed men were approaching me more and more. Women did the same, but with my confidence shaken I would be negative to there approach. The only socializing I did was with the family and close friends. Even then I was with drawn from the people around me. Now while writing this I understand what these people did to me unintentional or not.
Depression hits me now and then, but I have family, friends and most importantly “her”. These people save me time to time from despair of what we all go through in life. The internet is a big place, so I got to say if you are a friend, family member, or any of the people I spoke of and you recognize what has happened. Do not feel guilty or sad, what happened will or has made me stronger or taught me a lesson, to the family I am sorry if you read this and know that is my sons, brothers, or his writing and I am sorry for not sharing for I did not want to sadden you in anyway. Only to share and help heal myself and let others, you the reader know you are not alone in your struggle or healing process.
Thanks for reading,
Sorry if you were sadden by this writing today “she” and I agreed to share this.