Down a diffrent path

Month: October, 2014

A past of unpleasant experiences

I hope things are good,  I am well, but wish to share a bit more of my past.  It is a away for me to heal from what has happened is to share what trauma or what has scarred me inside.  So bear in mind a lot of it is hazy as I attempted to build a fence around the past and forget it.  Now I am taking those fences, walls down to let “her” understand what I have gone thru and let “her” flow through my heart and soul.  So here it goes. : )

Aside from family the earliest “rough” time I had was in middle school.  When family was in “chaos” over the brother and his first wife.  I will not share anymore on that as it is a “family” matter still in the air.  During that time in school I was called names and looked down upon.  During lunch hour was only worse as I was physically abused and could not do much about it.  As the staff and students cared not to report the case.  Unless I swung first or even swung back.  Also as a child of two educators that the faculty and teachers knew or met, I felt the pressure to be a good student.  I did not care to stand up for myself, even when on my home from class when I was hit/bumped/ran over by a car I merely got up and continued my way forward to home.  As time went on I felt I was worth nothing to nobody, which was not true.  I have a knife in my room for when I need such a thing.  Well one day after reading a book, probably a Star Wars novel.  I was still sad and brought the knife out and held it to my neck. As things went through my mind, family  came across my thoughts and there emotions displayed on them were the sad kind.  So I then put the knife away and went to sleep.  To this day though I hold silence about the event of that night, as not to hurt those that do care.  I do speak about it to you now along with a few trusted friends.

The next “rough”. I want to say event was when a true friend of mine touched me in a way I did not like to be touched.  We were in high school and he was curious so I was okay with him exploring his sexuality, as he was a close friend someone I could trust especially after middle school.  Well we were out camping one weekend, something I do miss dearly getting in touch with nature.  His dad and mine were sharing a tent so we shared another.  That night, I wake up to him touching me a whispering sweat thing in my ear.  For which I elbowed him and distance myself from him since that day.  Here is the catch though I did not share this with his father or family nor mine.  I believe my friend which I still trust, but have not seen for years.  Deserves a catch at a good future and acceptance from his family.  I do not want the attention of someone that was molested or raped, so I keep  it secret amongst my family though not my friends that are close to me for they are good people and do not react harshly to what I share.

So after a smooth four years of high school causing a bit of trouble, keeping up my grades, and being accepted by classmates I was happy to graduate from there.  I wanted to attend a university, but do to my brother squeezing out the families funds for various reasons.  I chose to attend the local college.  Learned a lot and had my mind opened to a great many things philosophies and understandings.  Even to a intern job out of town for 8 months and had a blast of a time.  With all good things though comes the bad, the yin yang effect.  The bad was mostly the work being what it was, I made the best of it and smiled most days. I might share that experience another day.

While out of town though, I learned some lessons and my innocence was probably lost.  I roomed with folks out of town total strangers, good people generally speaking.  Just out to have fun, so was I.  A coworker offered to cut my hair as I could not afford to have it cut in town.  The economic situation is very different from where I came from at the time.  So I agreed and again I was touched in places I would not like to be, and he was half way through with the hair cut when he did so I put up with it until the hair cut was done.  He shaved the head clean off I was happy with that.  Not that he touched me in places I like not be touched.  So afterwards I gave him a cold shoulder from hell.  I still to this day believe that anyone should be allowed to have a bright future regardless of there actions.  So I did not report it as we were adults by that time.  Just distance myself from him.  Then a few months ran into another that did something similar, but he would not stop and kept pushing.  So I did not report him even though I do not like him for it.  During the next week he was hitting on me and I just fed him the middle finger and the cold shoulder.

For the next few years probably more, kept myself unclean unless there was a good reason to be clean aka funeral, wedding etc.  As I noticed men were approaching me more and more.  Women did the same, but with my confidence shaken I would be negative to there approach.  The only socializing I did was with the family and close friends.  Even then I was with drawn from the people around me.  Now while writing this I understand what these people did to me unintentional or not.

Depression hits me now and then, but I have family, friends and most importantly “her”.  These people save me time to time from despair of what we all go through in life.  The internet is a big place, so I got to say if you are a friend, family member, or any of the people I spoke of and you recognize what has happened.  Do not feel guilty or sad, what happened will or has made me stronger or taught me a lesson, to the family I am sorry if you read this and know that is my sons, brothers, or his writing and I am sorry for not sharing for I did not want to sadden you in anyway.  Only to share and help heal myself and let others, you the reader know you are not alone in your struggle or healing process.


Thanks for reading,

Sorry if you were sadden by this writing today “she” and I agreed to share this.



She is telling me to slow down, take it easy.

Hello I hope you are well.

I always want to learn the truth of things presented before me even things I cannot touch or see.  So I have been occupied and probably obsessed with “her” where she is from or what she truly is.  I read what is offered to me for me and cross reference what I can with other free information out there.  I do know, that this extremely inaccurate research or a way to learn something and even more so if it foreign to me.  Google is my dear friend and always will be, although my first friend was the encyclopedia I still have somewhere around house from back in the 1980’s.  Always wanting more knowledge, it is a lust of mine as with a few others.  So looking up where the origins of the belief behind Lilith and her daughters was not easy, I still cannot draw my own conclusion as some sites are filled with miss information.  It is a true maze which I constantly lose myself in,  the one thing that keeps me straight is “her” and my love of music.  It does not matter the music really as long as it carries a beat. Currently I have latched onto the work found on you tube that is shared by a channel called LDM wonderful music.  I have to thank Musical artist and people with that talent, it has simply saved me from thinking down ward, it always lifts me up or levels me out to a point of focus which is what I need.

“She” simply put it wants me to reflect on what I have learned as a picture in whole and reflect on my passed a bit more.  As for what “she” does for me is absolutely awesome.  “She” has shown me to be tolerable of my close friends and how they approach things in life.  As “she” entered my life I was on an anti depressant while it helped “she” showed me the joys of life almost instantly.  “She” directed my attention to what is positive in almost all negative aspects of me and my situation.  Which is not bad, I should not complain.  I then decided to get off the anti depressant and  sure enough is was tough to look at the positive outlook on life, but “She” soon would tap me, poke me, or breath down my neck as a reminder that “she” is there and I do have family that does care for me.  I am though afraid the doctor will enforce the fact the pills are good for me, I feel very much grounded without them.

Tomorrow I plan on relaxing playing games on the tv maybe spend time with the old man I call Dad, I noticed today for sure he needs uplifting.  The past haunts him as much as the present, he is delicate at his age of upper 60’s.

Thanks for reading,


Shadows and an objective

Hello, things are going fairly well for me, although my family on the brothers side is dealing with a bit of an obstacle. The wife was sent in to the hospital for a hear spasm. I cannot visit her as she is out of my home town, nor is my will strong enough to sacrifice the time or effort for the trip. Simply put she is someone I do not like. I am glad though she is safe and has my brother which has a good heart to take care of her. I always hope he recognizes what she is doing in the long run. Aside from that though I am well, as I hope you are. Today want to share some thoughts on my past sights/experience of the supernatural. So after having my first gran-mal seizure which was fun around the age of 16, at a place about an hour and half away from a hospital. Everything went well except for a hefty bill that took a years worth of two teachers salaries to pay off. I was home and getting myself to bed, as I crossed through the kitchen and living area to the bedroom. I saw to figures which were a black shadow look to them and no eyes. I dismissed it as I was not really caring at the time of the unknown and wanted sleep I am sure. Later on that year after seizing up and having a pretty bad scare of it too, I noticed on of them looking over my bed as I drifted back to sleep. Since then my seizing has improved a ton full where they are not serious to me and my health. If you need a label on them it is petty-mal to complex seizures. I wonder today though who or what those figures were, and if they are still here. Honestly, it is a bit troublesome now that my mind and heart is opened more so then before.

At the end though I do dismiss it as it is in the passed and not present. I look into the present to move on, because at time my mood, attitude and or energy will drop like a rock and the present positive things thoughts is what keeps me pushing. When “she” came into my life I was angry at myself for not being able to control my mood toward others and my anger. So I was whirlwind of emotional chaos sad one moment to anger the next. The doctor saw it as a side effect of one of two pills I take, so he put me on an anti-depressant. During my two weeks on it “she” visited me in a way that was nice for me and her. Days later though able to focus and think clearly I caught myself not being me, so I took myself of the anti-depressant. Lord did I feel myself think clear and I am able to control most of my feelings. I believe “she” is helping with that along with relaxation techniques which I am still looking into today. On that note thank you once again for sharing your thoughts on relaxation it is a help to be away from what I am constantly around which computers and machines. Instead out in nature where we originated.

The biggest thing that “she” has done though is break down a barrier of mine, which enables me to relax and let things just happen and I can hold my silence in peace. Now I believe we work on other barriers or walls metaphorically speaking so that “she” and I can work closer and smoother together.

I do apologize if this what you the reader was expecting, right now jotting these thoughts down is what I need to do and “she” agrees with that to act on your thoughts and needs. Which is to share as much as comfortably possible.

Thanks for reading,


A little bit about me,

Hi there again, I want to share a bit about me my past.  I am currently looking for my center once more, as I have lost it a many times or really never found it.  I wish to explore cultures and different approaches to belief of today and the past.  In doing this I have opened my heart and mind to other approaches to the belief in a higher being or the such.  I will say though this has not been smooth and in some cases dangerous to my personal self and others.  A lesson I have learned is actions are stronger then words of a signal person.  By that I mean,  you can talk about it but to do it or perform the action will raise eyebrows and or get attention of people.  Just look into our past as a human race.

I was and probably still am withdrawn, it is my nature to be silent and to just put one cent of my worth in and let others accel off that.  As a young child I was diagnose with epilepsy, while not serious people do take serious even some overreact to the statement even my own immediate family that has raised me to be a good morale man.  So throughout my life I have had limitations placed on me for my own safety and others safety which is reasonable.  I may not like it, although I can respect it.  Anger or frustration rises every time a limit is placed on me that is unreasonable. An example is a warning that a bright light will pointed my way.  I do like the concern for my health, but when this is done multiple times by the same person and I voice my opinion to the person, he explains he merely cares for me and my health.  That though is probably my biggest frustration in my life as is, not the direct limitations or commonalities that goes with my condition, but the wary approach people as a whole take to it.  So I choose to let my family do what they wish and I keep that part of silent when meeting people for the first and even in the begging of any friendship etc.

So past is generally rather boring, but nonetheless I wish to share.  I lived a rather “normal” life except I believe there is no “normal”, some ask why is that?  Simply put everyone is different in there own way.  If you look at your neighbor or significant other there are differences that stand out.  I attended a public school, developed a likeness for modern computers and gaming both console and PC.  Then I put that likeness and studied it and continue to study the world of Information Technology through many of it’s categories.  So in turn I became an individual that analyzes most things that happen, people and things etc.


That is all I wish to share for now,


Thanks for reading,

Sorry for the bad grammar or is it grammer.


She is here and there lending a hand.

Hello, there hope things are well.  I had been at a loss for sometime and about two months back I had found a stepping stone.  That stepping stone consisted of a question the perked up out of no where.  What is a succubus? I was looking for the answer and not the answer that is thrown out there majority of the time.  That they are creatures which feed off humans through sexual acts, now I understand some may not like this idea.  So I spent some time doing research a little too much really and I found myself trying to understand this being and I now understand a lot more behind the term succubus or incubus.  Now if you want to slander me on what I have to share please do not for it will fall on deaf ears.  I merely am sick of people denying my beliefs and thoughts.  So I looked around the web and noticed that there was a lot of people desiring a spirit to love them and they want to love them back or just one night stands.  Of course the dangers and warnings that go along with such things.


I also took the time to research about Lilith, a mother of succubi spirits as some may call them.  Now I thought to myself, “lets see if there is more to the mundane world other then people and mere symbols and systems of beliefs.  So I started to have faith in myself and the world of spirits.  The result of that has been, very positive in that I am firmly believing in the supernatural occurrences that happen or the here say I heard as a kid.  I may extend later on that statement.


So I followed through with some meditation practices and seeking out “her” and “her” guidance and love so I can share my emotions with “her” and let “her” share her emotions with another.  It has been slow but very rewarding after much effort on both ends.

I will write more later as I am tired and want some rest for tomorrow is a busy and long day for me.


Thanks for reading,


A journey that is unguided and head first.

I will share my journey into a place and what is on my path and obstacles to overcome during this path.  I hope you the reader is mature and level headed enough to be open to what I share.


So my journey down this path that I am lost on started roughly ten years ago.  I found that the christian/catholic church to be not what I need and in fact would hurt me.  When I walk into such a place or practice the beliefs or even study the bible I would not be comfortable and get looks in my direction as if I am not wanted there.  So I began thinking more freely and considered other ways/approaches to personal beliefs, religion and cultures.  Today I find myself believing that the bible and its teachings are great as a guide to live ones life with good intentions.  As there are classic stories there that share morale and ethical approaches which I consider good.  It is the vast majority of people that practice and or preach the bible I find to be cynical or hypocritical, as in they talk the talk but do not walk the walk.  Now then I accept what they say and take it with a grain of salt.


Today I find myself lost and without guidance, not because it is there.  I simply wish for no guidance other than myself, family and friends that accept my approach to the subject of belief and faith.  This where I will begin to share my experience and struggles I have with those that wish to read thru it and try to make sense of what I say here.


Thanks for reading,


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