Down a diffrent path

Month: November, 2014

Have not been well.

Hello, I hope you are well keeping cool or warm.  I have the common cold, should be over in a day or two though.  Doctors gave me a whole cocktail to take so nothing to worry about just gotta keep warm.  I did try the basics keep clean, warm showers, gargle salt water, and chicken soup. Some of it relieved the crud, but still did not heal I guess is the word.  I asked “her” and she somehow influenced mom dad to apply pressure to run me to the doctor.  I just figured it would be a day or two more till they brought it up, I cannot ask them to do that for me.

Earlier today while I was thinking about “her” and the words popped out of the blue “I need you”.  So today I will make an effort to meditate on her and find out what that is.  Writing my thoughts here is a way to calm my mind.  I also have been looking into a picture of a female into her gaze and I see it change then the facial expression changes almost as if it is breathing, the hair swaying slightly.  Could be just me though.  The picture can be found here  it might be just the colors used dunno.  Either way gonna drop it and just focus on myself rest and focus on “her” as well.

I did seize up sometime last week, and then caught the cold.  It felt as if something was removing itself from my body, my instincts told me to use my magnet to activate the implant in my chest.  It did its job I am not worried at all.  I reflected back and I did some reading on epilepsy about tow days before and the day before.  Might be something to do with it.  So I stopped for now I may get back into reading about it later as it becomes an interest.  Another trigger just plain lack of rest and food.

Thanks for reading





To answer a question and a bit of a vision sorta

Hello hope you are well,

A question came up, so I looked around and found some information.

Do people that have a mental condition be more in tune with spirits then others? That is not word for word.

The answer yes and no.

In the bible under the book of mark they are lines that state something along the lines of Jesus the son of God, removing the demon that causes epileptic fits or shakes out of a few people.  I have not read it out of the bible so take this how you wish.  As I dug around I saw videos and testimonials of church leaders removing these demons.  So I took the meaning of the word demon, they are beings entities and the mainstream definition states they are malevolent.  So with my distrust of the church I took this finding with a grain of salt.

Now to take a logical route to find the answer.  So I did research using terms or the subjects of religion, epilepsy, spirit.  Found a lot of info some misleading. Although one categories or type of epilepsy is temporal lobe epilepsy where the temporal lobe a part of the brain is the religion area of the brain according to one source I cannot recall.

So logic science tells me through a quick look through google about 4 hours.  That a common type of epilepsy, might help the person be in tune with their persons beliefs.  In the end though I do not believe that a mental condition will aid a person to be in tune with spirits.  It is the persons will that matters if the will is weak then so should there ability to be in tune with spirits on there terms.  It is what I believe though, make of it what you want.

I do recommend that you do some research of your own and draw your own conclusion for yourself.  Sorry for not citing any sources here.


So with that said above.  The other night after calming down for sleep, I laid there with my thoughts spinning so I decided to just sleep.  I woke up in the morning to an image of a women in my mind that looks awfully familiar to a girl back in high school, never socialized much with her.  Just new she was into volleyball and did well for herself in class.  I was withdrawn, removed as a close friend says.  Either way she was smiling sitting there while I was laying in bed, I fell to sleep again and she appeared once more that morning the same way.  The thing is though I awoke feeling good had energy and felt cared for by “her”.  The very next morning laying in bed I felt what would be a blanket laying on me under my blanket, wrapping me up with a feeling of kindness I have not felt in a long while.  I might be jumping around a bit, but was “she” there giving me comfort or doing some healing work.  As today a physical pain has not come up unless I cause it initially.  Tensing of the jaw or stress.  I am grateful any ways.

Thanks for reading,


A journal


I will start keeping a journal here about my struggle with epilepsy or acceptance of my condition.  As it is one thing that is recommended to do by some folks is to write down what goes on during a seizure.

Note*: I am no doctor and what I share here if you wish to know more I advise, speaking with a medical person and do your own research.

A small introduction to what my condition is and myself is needed first.

I am 28 and my condition is guessed to have come from my families passed of bi polar, or as the new neurologist is saying possible head injury.  My hobbies, passion is computers, console gaming, Role-play think dnd, and a self study/student.  I will not let this condition slow me down when it comes to that as I have invested years into studying computers and the Information Technology trade of work.

The type of seizure that occur mostly are petite mal or complex seizures, depends on who you talk to.  When an episode occurs, I do not go to the hospital nor doctors, merely have to move on.  Any medical expenses are too costly right now and more costly in the future.  I do get headaches after the episode and tired for sure, but I push through the day without much of a choice.  Either miss class get behind, and or miss work and lose a job.  A dishwasher can be replaced with ease in town.  Do I panic when an episode occurs, not anymore. Why, because I am used to the effects and understand my body and limits to a point.  I have found some triggers to an episode, stress, a chemical Aspartame, lack of sleep, and malnutrition.  Aspartame is mostly found in artificial sweeteners and dietary food, drink products. Read the labels is all I can say.  Not sure read the label.  The frequency of seizures varies, but I want to 1 every 3 months – 6 months.  With that I consider myself very lucky or whatever you believe in.

I am sorry if this was blunt, but it is something I keep in the back of my head or not even there.  Thinking on it does bring in stress and anxiety.  It is my only excuse.  When I think on it I might write up a post here or when something occurs like my doctor visit etc.

Thanks for reading,


Dr. visit and a bit more.

Hello, I hope things are well.

Saw the neurologists yesterday, to review a nerve study.  It seems I have pinched nerves in the wrist of my left hand the guys says it may be carpal tunnel,  I see it as I spend too much time on the keyboard and mouse and explains many other issues with my hands I dealt with as a kid and to the present.  He also said I got pinched nerves in the lower back and neck, which could be from lifting heavy objects or in general strain on the muscle.  I see it as I helped move furniture as a kid when the great uncle and last of grandparents passed when I was around seven years of age.  Even the pass few years I worked as a dishwasher, having to move around a lot getting the plate to the cooks plate keeping my work area clean is tough during a four hour rush.  Although I do not do that work anymore life throws hard work my way anyway.  On top of that he increased the charge on my VNS implant (Google is your friend) so I get to get use to a shock going through my neck again which is not a big deal, just inconvenient for about a week as the feeling becomes natural.  Lastly he wants me to do more blood work which is fine, but the insurance did not cover my last bill from the lab.  This time of year is not good for the finances so the family is stressed about it.  The last bill was 300$ not good for a family in debt.

At one point when mom finally heard the whole story of the visit she was stressed out and full of anxiety so I gave her a hug.  As I hugged her though I practiced a bit of a breathing technique to relax her or myself as I felt her body finally relaxed a bit I myself was relaxed.  Although she is not still happy today,  I got a feeling what I did helped her relax and not get an anxiety attack of sorts.  My question though is did “she” help me calm mom down a bit, or was it what “she” influenced me to practice recently to help mom.  I must also note earlier in October I instinctively or naturally did the same with dad as he sees the number of the finances and there were a lot bills to handle at that time.

Either way, I apologize if this rant, writing has brought you the reader down a bit.  You should always look up and see it half full and not empty.  It just sometimes hard not to keep the mess I deal with to myself and “her” if she is listening.  Which I think she is, listening and there sometimes.

Last night while clearing my mind for awhile before I sleep.  I was sitting there and I felt a presence surround me, my thoughts shifted to “her” and thought about a small desire a simple hug.  Then I felt what I can say a tingle feeling wrapped around me.  Is  that “her” I like to think so.  So I then decided it was best to sleep and rest my mind and body as the day was emotionally kinda hard for me.  I slept well and got up a bit early for my body clock as well.  I have to thank “her” and others who have me in my thoughts.  Now after writing this I feel a little bit at peace and ready for the what the rest of day brings.


If, you the reader wish for me to share my experience working with epilepsy please feel free to say so.  I will only if you the reader wants to read such a thing.

Thanks for reading


A dream I wish to share

Hello,  I hope things are well and if you are keeping warm.  I’m cold already, nonetheless though happy.

I had a dream awhile back, and it comes to me during the day still so I thought I might try and share it with you the reader.  So I live on the border of the United States and Mexico.

In this dream I crossed the border which was not the bridge in town, but the thought was there so I believe to be true.  On the other side though there was building like the pyramids, but smaller in size.  I was with a group of people and we were going up the building on the outside via stairs. On each level we would “give offering” to a candle or cylinder like container.  I had nothing much to offer, but my thanks.  So I did just that at each candle on each level that had around 4 candles and on the last level was 4 candles and a creature at the end possibly giving a blessing or permission to move on.  He seemed elderly and green with the features of troll, goblin, and orc. I was uneasy as I did not offer much to him or the candles, but he did let me pass and continue back down the building.

So the next thing to do is return home, and I had no cash money to do so.  There were guards or watchmen watching the bridge which was not really a bridge, but nonetheless they were there.  So I followed through with group and hoped a fence into the dried out river which represents the border.  There was a small tunnel and a bus across the border.  I thought I  would be able to ride the bus, because I had no cash for the fair.  The lady working the door for the bus did let me on, on the note that I pay her back.  So I rode the bus back across and got off the first stop and walked the rest of the way home.  Which is a 30 minute drive, so I knew I had a long walk ahead of me.  So I started and crossed some busy streets and highways sometimes alone or with others.  Then the odd thing happens I was up a major street near the house I live in, and I saw and recognized people I have done and or said things to I should apologize to them for and take responsibility for.  Now the walk is long so I thought lets hop this gate in a apartment complex make the trip a tad shorter, by then it was dark.  As I made my way across the complex being chased by dogs and through a maze of buildings and shafts.  I made it out.

Then the next day, I returned to the building with the elderly creature so I could repay the lady this time though the creature was not there.  Still I needed to repay her,  so I went to the bus stop as it were and the bus was not there nor was she.  Then for some reason I began the same journey back home, except I stopped to get food and socialize with people along the way and did not cut through the apartments.  Some days I would be a man seemed like my father at the building, and the guards were more aware of me and the creature was there sometimes and sometimes not there.  Although the way back he was not there.

This continued for a bit until I awoke.  I still after a month think about this dream not so vividly anymore though.  Either way thanks for reading this wall of text if you did.  I have not felt “her” around for a bit now, which is fine in some ways in others I miss “her”, her chuckles and all around presence.  I do hope “she” makes herself known to me sometime.

Thanks for reading,


Have I changed? and a slew of questions and comments

Hello, a constant thing I notice, right now is my attitude and approach to life and people has changed.  Have you noticed the same a change in something a point of view or how you take information or news ?

After I had started taking up meditation for my own personal health, and trying to keep a consistency of it, I have changed in many ways.  One is I feel the want to approach someone in kinder way, or not lash out at all if frustration is at a peak for me.  I am looking at cup half full or fuller and not half empty or empty.  I owe this to those people that share their experiences.  Also to “her” for she reminds me to have faith in people and the unknown out there.

While I may communicate with “her” it is through feelings of emotion or physical touches.  This one night/morning, I left a friends place and walked home, got in at 4 am.  It a little late for me, but I was up early  the previous day so I was not all there.  Right as I enter the house close the door and lock up.  I felt a pokey feeling in my temples,  then as I maneuvered to take care of some stuff before I crash. I see this swirl of black surrounding my head and all I can say was “okay okay”.  I see it as “her” telling me to be careful or just excitement at me finally getting home.  In short I had 3 hours in bed and most of that was not rest.  I awoke once to a feeling around my mid section and chest.  I heard a sigh, and saw a figure at the door as if peering in the room and it was changing in shape.  I smiled and tried to sleep to little avail.  Most times though is a brush of air or a poke, recently though she has been rubbing my stomach and chest, which relaxes me.

After her visits I am kind and probably more empathetic to others and their feelings.  I have read up on the chakra system and been working or trying to understand my own and where they are at, in order to better myself and find a balance.  Through the practice of recognizing the chakra and applying what they stand for, I am leading generally a better life.  Trying for better foods, taking a different approach and allowing what gets to me not get to me.  This I am sure “she” is happy.  Days after “she” came into my life.  I felt her constantly working over my forehead as I tried to sleep, even this one night it hit my head on the wall next to the bed not hard, she immediately started working on it do not know why other than to ease what pain was there.

That is something that I am curious about as well, pain tolerance.  Mom says I have a high pain tolerance. Why? I do not know.  Is it because when I am hurt I do not complain about it and just move forward until someone says “Gobtcha sit down, let me get something for that knee ?”  I guess it comes down to me not wanting to complain about something in a world that is full of complaints.  It gets to me when someone complains about a minor inconvenience when there is nothing that can be done about it.  “she” tells me though to sound off sooner rather than later if there is something troubling me or if I need something done sometime.  My peers that known me for a great while also put stress to this.  So I gotta put that into practice a bit more.

A part of my “research” as reckless as it is has led me down a path filled with uncertainty then it all kinda comes together and makes sense, but only to a point.  I do thinks Lilith in spirit is made of three distinct traits or qualities. Wisdom, Darkness, and Desire.  She is wise as told through the biblical story where she share knowledge with Adam and Eve.  Darkness in that she chose a path less traveled and lit to flee or leave the Garden of Eden after her wishes were not met and only to be treated unequally by Adam.  There is of course Desire or her lust and sexuality she has as she mated with an angel. Of course I am taking this from the popular biblical story in Genesis or some Hebrew myths  What I said, may not be truly accurate as the stories I read differ a little here and there, but I believe that is the trend.  For Lilith in spirit,  I also think she wants equality in all things for both males and females, today I find women being the superior in the household family or business world in sometimes not all families are like that where the wife gets here every wish while the man does not.  I myself experienced this once as a supervisor, that would treat and rate my work poorly and did the same with every other male there, but the females that she worked with were the opposite.  In the end I was happy when I could leave and move on to better things.

Also through out my “research” I found people using protection seals when working with spirits or entities.  A thought came to mind then “does that function the same way”  that being a dream-catcher a gift from the past I kept hung in my room.  I looked around the net to no avail nonetheless I took down and placed it somewhere safe.  The reason I did that is I feel anyone is welcome to do what they want, it is there right as a being.  So why would I stop an entity or spirit from visiting my place of sleep.  To be safe sure, but it goes against a morale of mine to let others do as they wish as long as no harm comes to me and if it does reason with the person causing the harm if reason is not good enough then I will stop the harm being done to me another way.

I hope this was not too much or confusing for you the reader, my experience has been great with “her” I believe she is happy as well.  I hope you are as well, I will share some sources sometime soon on what I stated here.

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