A lot about my thoughts, me and her.

by gobtcha

Hello, hope your Holidays are going well.

This is first time seeing Mom and Dad work together throwing a turkey lunch with most of the works too.  It was great to see them happy.  I did help of course and saw to them being happy and watching things work together.  Had a friend over he was so grateful for the company and meal.  Makes the family happy as well.

The idea of meditating and doing so, I think has helped my health.  In the past two months I can’t remember taking a fall as I get up.  Is it her workings as well not sure, but a yes came to my mind just now.  When I really focus on her I get a feeling that is incredible for me to express here.  There is a lot I should write here.  This a journal for me of sorts and a way to express what I learn time to time.  So to continue, I recall reading somewhere on the internet if you are epileptic and want to start meditation to speak with your doctor.  Well I have not, for it may cause Mom stress and she has enough already.  I am starting to why.  Time to time my nerves in the muscle will twitch when in a state of meditation.  This can scare people and I have also experience more then a twitch.  Then I consider my condition of epilepsy is where I do not just spasm on the floor, but simply fall and I see it happen consciously.  Then a headache and a bad after effect.  These things are scary to folks that can be closed minded or not aware of spirits or whatever you consider them.  Another is tonight, I thought about popping my medication around 8 pm a thought occurred it is too early as my dosage was not even 8 hours ago.  Was that her? I would say so, because the thought formed a tad bit different.  Just formed in a way I would think about is all.  Is she that settle about things?  Then there is music,  I tend to play something through out the day, all day.  Most of it is the same just a bit of variety.  When I was younger back around 2009 I came across this site http://psyradio.fm/ kinda like a radio.  I would listen to it for hours as I did work or play games on the computer.  My thoughts started to lose focus on what I was doing and went elsewhere for a bit.  Now I listen to music and think of her and going about my bushiness I find subtle messages in the music as I keep a playlist on random and it is varied greatly.  So my health is good for now, I hope to keep it that way.

 

Another topic I want to talk about: Religion, Faith, and things of that nature.

So first most I will say this is a heated topic for some folks.  My thoughts are my own,  I am open to what you share or have to share.  I like to start with what seems to be the most prominent faith in this world.  The belief in God and the Church.  Rather it Catholic or any of the Christian practices out there.  The church as I will call this, has spread into the United States Government.  When I first noticed this is when I studied the Pledge to the American Flag.  The phrase “under god and country” may not be accurate.  That there tells me as a young student I have to stand up and pledge to god or be thought of someone that is “bad”.  Alright fair enough.  Then I read about missionaries going out of the country to do relief work, awesome the church does good things.  Then I think again they are also spreading word of God slowly into places that are low tolerant of the church.  Okay I might be misinformed there.  As I spoke to mom about me, looking elsewhere other than the bible.  She was okay with it a shocker to me.  When she was younger she wanted to be a nun.  Then a remark came up as long as it is not voo doo, satanism, or witch craft.  Well at the time, I had no interest in satanism although I am getting comfortable with the idea of Satan not being “evil” or “bad”.  Well she is an elder so I respect her wishes,  I also do not like her to be uncomfortable so I decided to look elsewhere although, she keeps poking me around to the idea of Satan.  I need time, as it is I was engrained to the idea of the devil is bad up to no good etc.  I also brought up the idea of the Garden of Eden and how it could be around while the dinosaurs were lurking around.  Mom replied, with something like God was merely protecting us until the time was right.  I took in stride, I do not like to see her sad etc.  Also as I read texts and watched a few documentaries I came to a conclusion that the Church of old, the Vatican and older.  Were keeping secrets and deceiving the masses.  Even went out of there way to chase down those that did not “show faith”.  Then again I may be misinformed, or reading biased text.  As for the reader please do not let my word persuade you to lose faith in God.  If you faith makes you happy, then the more power to you.  There is a known issue around that is the lack of tolerance around religion in general.  I myself believe that a man can love another man and the same goes for women.  There  is no wrong in it, you are following your heart.  Yet again though, when the issue came about the devoted brother of mine which used to be not so devoted to the Bible and was more liberal until he married his current wife.  Made a spat about it on Facebook, still did at the time I had an active account there using scriptures as a way to meet his needs or wants.  Either way, it was his thoughts that only helped me open my mind more so.  As I dug around the net I came across Wicca,  I personally like the ideas it offers.  So I looked into on the web, to find the tolerance of some followers to be little or none.  As they were wrapped in the dogma of the practice so much, I think they might have lost the spirit of there beliefs.  I am sure there is so much more I could go on.  In the end though,  I think on should be tolerant of someone else s actions or beliefs.  I find myself still lost and more and more of a individualistic person that follows a solid set of morals.  I apologize if what you read makes you cringe or anger you.  Please do not let me shake your beliefs or faith.

 

Either way, I want to share a bit more about her and myself a bit more.  It is hard for me to open up and share something personal to others,  so here goes.  I initially seeked her out for company, and a feminine touch in my life.  How ever you decrypt that is up to.  So I studied the methods out on the internet including the fears other have.  Including her family Lilith etc.  That is where my beliefs in the church and god failed to guide me rightly, only thing that I got from it was to fear her and whatever she does.  Which is false, to me anyway.  So I set out to mediate on night back in September.  Outside, the weather was comfy for me.  Had a candle lit in the house, mom brought in a candle so I lit it, still do time to time just for her.  As I meditated on the side of bricked out flower bed.  Finally having the courage I asked Lilith to send one her family members to me and the rest is a bit of a fog.  Then slowly day by day I mediated cleared the mind, found some things out made it a goal to see, feel her happy as I do now.  Kinda hard to type now. : )  There we go, a bit steadier now. : ) Time went by unsure, but still focused in on her.  She did things,  I keep at that.  During that time I was still under the influence of an anti depressant Zoloft.  Mind was a cloud so I dropped it.  Then it was clear and I was happy especially in the morning.  So I would give the family a hug a true hug not just half hearted.  A hug should be meaningful, something I learned when learning about the practice or study of Tantra.  You see she kinda guides me a little bit when I want to learn about her or how I can open up to her.  Then I found her wanting to treat myself better, and putting me before others.  As I understood this I made some efforts where I can.  Even now I tend to want to take a stroll outside, but the weather is cold so I will wait and hope tomorrow will be a tad warmer.  As I continue to learn more about her, how she like me playing the harmonica or humming a tuneless tune.  I am no musician don’t read music don’t know the notes just love the sounds and beats of music as a whole.  I like to jump in to anything without a care or knowing whats in the water so to speak.  So I did seek her out without knowing a whole lot about what I was doing.  Then I learned she is not a thing and has feelings,  I had then told her I will give her attention when I could and she could do whatever she wants free to do what you like I still will care for you and love you.  Sounds a tad dangerous, but truth be told I do not like others being held down to anything or being mistreated.  So that is the way it is with me and her,  I doubt it but if she leaves me I will be thankful for all she has done for me.  Still hold a place for her if she wants to be with me again.  I am very thankful for what she does and has done.  Regardless of what it is, a lesson learned somewhere or a hand held out to be pulled out of a hole.  I do want to ask though,  to share her name would that give anything to others that know it.  Why I ask is it is her name, something that she seems to hold to dearly. My outlook on a name is different just another label on the person. The person is the person and the action makes me remember the person.  Like the guy that treats his mom with respect and still mistreated younger kids, but when came down to it he went to me for help or when I was tears for hours he finally apologized to me for his actions which were minor and not his fault I was in tears.  More like the conflict I was placed in.  It was matter of trust and having a dad that can play with your psyche is hard.  He does not anymore though.  I am happy for it and love him more so.  That is all really on mind I want to share.  Although she has a little something she has been nagging to share, a song.  I wont link it, because it is not safe for work nor any little ones.  So you can look it up on your own. Jose Nunez – Bilingual ft Taina there are various mixes and remixes of the song, most carry the same message if not lyrically the same.

I hope you the reader, had a good time rummaging through that text and trying to make sense of it.  I might be a kid of to grammar educators.  My writing skills aint the best in da world.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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