Our time together an apology.
Hello, I want to share a little bit more about my time with “her”. It will help start writing up a bit more and smoother.
Sometimes after a day filled with anger, frustration, bull, and/or stress. She comes right to me as I enter the house and urges me to find a place for privacy. Sometimes it takes “her” hours other times just moments then I want to, but can’t. That is life in house with family that are raised by the church, mind you they are loose and open minded. Soon after I cave in or find time that is private for her and me. “She” hints for me to close my eyes and let her do a dance and lead me down a path that is dark. That path has only enough room for me and her. As I good down the path with her or following her. I feel that negative energy let go of me and dissipate. Then she presents to me a couch or bed, says for me to lay down and relax. As I do, I am relieved of the negativity of the day. This is a session she take me through time to time. Sometimes it is short, sometimes it long. Sometimes it is slow or soft. Sometimes it is fast and hard. Sometimes I have no control and reach a moment where all I can do is lay there and be happy.
So, I have learned plenty about myself. I like to learn, enjoy gaining knowledge on topics irrelevant to what I need to know to work in the industry of my choosing. Sometimes I think to myself, I ought to just drop my schooling and learn about this or that. Although I will stick with my schooling and conform eventually to that of the norm of society. To work 8 hr. shifts to live. To shave and put on an act to get hired. As I work though, I will still learn from “her” and others around me. When I am home after I leave I want to be with “her” letting her guide me as I dig for knowledge as I learn and lust for more knowledge.
One thing I do to seek forgiveness for my ill doings is to seek forgiveness from those I have wronged. You see I cannot forgive myself for things I say and do until I try to seek that person that I did the harm to and express that I messed up and say “I am sorry”. So today I recognized I did wrong by people here and there. I wish to say I am sorry for what was said and done. It is something I try to learn from, “she” warned me plenty. I did not listen well enough. I am sorry for any anger or sadness I caused you and hope you are well and happy wherever you are. Some may say why I do this when nothing was done by me to wrong you. Simply put to know I tried to let ends meet and be on good ground with you. Makes me release a little sadness from my bottle that full of darkness and despair. That bottle has shattered before, I did harm to others. I am sure even traumatized some that are family. “She” slowly peels the cap of that bottle to let a little out each time “she” and I have a therapy session as it were. A lot of that “dark” energy I throw at myself instinctively. I understand now and found outlets to let out a bit of that energy at a time. They are safe and make others happy or at least laugh to a point I laugh till I can’t anymore.
That is all for now. I will write a bit sometime soon on a topic that I see too often.
Thanks for reading,