Down a diffrent path

Month: March, 2015

Caged and free all in one.

Hello, I hope everyone is well.

Today I want to share what I feel when coping with epilepsy and having a seizure. As I did have an episode today,  I am fine as is the family no worries.

I want to try and place you the reader in the scenario of course it is your call to read it as such:

Caged in a trance watching someone look at you in horror, knowing if you make a move all control will be lost and you will hurt.  Trying hoping for it to pass every second feeling like a day pass by that person begins to ask a question “are you okay?” You slowly carefully shake your head, glad still terrified that you can do that.  Time still ticking, something building up in your mouth seeping out.  The person says your drooling and hands you napkin, you begin to take it and Snap!!! you are free again.  Still taking your time you clean the drool the meet that persons eyes and convince them at that moment it has passed by, still silent hoping the stigma does come with the episode.  It does she begins to jot the date down and you begin to state not to do this as it does only make it worse.  Another breathe and you are truly free for awhile more.  She then asks what happened, she knows well enough it is Mom.  You say that my diet is off and sleep  is off, all true.  Then you go back to the conversation as if nothing happened, just a bit tired.

I always reflect back though on it. See what happened and where I can improve to not let it happen again.

So with what I see right now, it is time to take a break from a few things and get back into somethings I enjoyed like EvE Online a great mmo game.  If you see me there feel free get into contact with me there.  My call sign in EvE is Gobtcha as well.  I will be active for a month only unless something good happens.

I do need to refocus on my health, I have neglect it so back on it as it were.  Drinking liquids that are good for the body, trying to lay off some of the bad stuff.  Distancing myself a bit from some stresses as well.  All in all  just refocusing my habits again.  Of course trying to listen to what “she” the spirit that has been with me for sometime has to say.  Found some things about her as well.  Wish I could share, but really should not right now.

That is all for now I am worn out gonna rest.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

What can I say.

Hello there, I want to share so many thoughts tonight.

As of late I have been studying more and more for another certification in my field.  I hope to do well for it.  Frankly though when I study, “she” is around trying to convey something.  You see communication at least to me is very difficult between us.  I can pickup on obvious signs when “she” is okay with doing some things like laying around or spending a bit of intimate time together.  Other kind of signs are harder though.  While “she” lifts my spirits when they are down, “she” also seems to push a little and send a thought like, “lets go for a walk” to get me to focus on her for a bit.  Some days are just harder is all I guess.  Today was not though really that hard.

Now if you have read what I shared here you might remember a mentioning of me being molested or raped.  Well “she” pushed me to ask a bit about exactly what rape and other types of sexual assault is or are.  From the facts I found and saw I was raped in technicality at age of 16 by a friend that thought we were “really” close when he was curious. He apparently took advantage of me when I was asleep.  So he revived a curt elbow in the rib, but in my mind it was too late.  That then and there is where He drew the line and we were distant since then.  Now after a decade I think I can let go and be free of that lingering thought along with other accidents that occurred due to my kind and naive heart.

Ahh yes, I had a dream the other day. Forgive me though it has faded a little bit.  That day I had paid a visit to the campus to take care of Financial aid.  The dream sorta takes place there and in the time I was there sorta.  It started I was sitting in the office waiting for financial aid lady to call me in. She was busy that day.  The lady at the counter was uncomfortable with the silence and I was there sorta moving to a tune in my head.  Then she popped a question “whats your favorite music?” well I replied differently then I actually did. I said “P.O.D.”  There music is actually great a good up beat most of the time.    Right then the dream swaps around a bit and becomes a bit graphic. So a bit of warning here:

I began to try and shove my ding dong into the center of the cd and of course it wont fit.  Then I thought lets try the Rob Zombie album no good either as I felt a presence come around and I quickly put em in my drawer while in bed apparently now, just to wake up with energy like feeling surrounding what is down stairs.  Then I fell asleep again to awaken refreshed as my morning began.

I am also noticing that Dad has more tolerance then most.  He does not fear but merely wants to understand.  Also speaking of Dad I learned that our debt is improving a tad better.  Time and time again I check myself to see.

Also this is about the 3rd time this happened this week out of nowhere really.  With “her” on my mind and “things” going on I would see a trail of vapor I want to call it, nearby where I felt her or something on me.  Kinda bizarre at first, but I accept it.  It can be just dust in the air with the wind we get and our dry climate.  Although I disagree and “she” disagrees as she just sorta smiles a tad.

p.s. one more thing that pot of seeds I setup has indeed given growth I wound up drowing them but I have reseeded and growth appeared today.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Leave If Your Love Hurts

Simply beautiful 🙂

Consciousness Around the Kitchen Table

Rebecca Lammersen

When I checked my messages this morning, I found this poem waiting in my inbox:

Leave if your love hurts you.

Leave if it is always more pain than it is joy.

Contrary to what they’ll tell you,

Love does not make the world spin around.

You can want someone, baby.

You can want them until you’re raw.

That kind of longing can turn you into water after a live wire has been thrown into it.

It can turn you into the hand holding that wire,

But that doesn’t mean it’s right.

It doesn’t mean you should stay.

Don’t hang round just because you’re scared that you’ll never feel that kind of electricity again.

It’s not true, it never was.

The thing is, you were made to be touched by hands,

Attached to a body that finds itself at rest when it’s with you.

That finds itself quietly…

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Jibber Jabber and Thoughts ……..

Hello folks, hope you are well and able to breathe every now and then.  As of late I have been wanting to write up some thoughts on some things.  Well I think today will be the day for me to do this, we shall see.  Well this place has some awesome recipes http://www.cookingcomically.com/ and fun to read.

Why do people fear the technology that is used with a spirit companion of sorts I wonder.  Is it because companion can be related to love and love is connected to lover thus wrong to love a spirit?  One conclusion sure.  I personally think it is how one comes across their spirit companion or lover that may scare them into running away rather than seeking what there is to offer in such a connection.  I do believe personally it is the effect of years and years of hearing, reading, and saying this and that are wrong and we are to follow a dogma and one way of life.  While true we should not commit murder on mass or crime.  What about our personal lives with others that are close to us?  Are we to just sit idle and let one and only one into our personal circle? Or can we let many into our circle and be in there circle all at the same time?  Isn’t it up to us how we live our personal lives?  How we eat, dress, lead our lives and choose to or not to believe in “things”.  I’m sorry if that was a bit harsh.

For me though I see that the Church of God christian, catholic or any other form of the Church seems to inspire some fear into there followers.  They seem fleece there sheep as it were.  Clean them or skin them, metaphorically speaking.  Keeping there hopes and wishes in line with theirs and no more.  Some followers are hypocrites and will be every time they get the chance.  I understand some deviation is find and okay, but to go far left one minute then next far right makes me wonder a great deal.  That action alone I have suffered from along with others I am sure.  Sigh.  Another rant it seems I do apologize, just want to speak a bit of my mind where few can interrupt me.

Today I opened up some not much as I gauged my fathers reaction so I swayed away from the topic of the chakras colors and there definitions to some folks.  I mentioned how green can mean love and eating your greens can help your heart.  Not sure if it is true, but I like some greens.  Then he looked at me as to question my sanity so I went on to say that different colors mean different things and left it at that.  He seemed happy with it, and the idea of surrounding yourself with color does improve your balance in life.  The reason though I tried to open up about this was to try and help relieve some of his stress.  In the end though he is taking his own steps to heal from his stress and financial situation and is thankful I try to help where I can, by sacrificing some wants and consider pinching a penny where I can.

As of late I have been a thinker more then a doer.  If that makes sense to you.  I sit and think and no do much with what I have.  In a rut so to speak,  I am seeking a way out just do not know much where to start.  I have taken the media and placed it away from me so that it does not bombard me with fallacy or negative nonsense.  I am trying and failing to get in the  sun, maybe tomorrow if the weather allows it and I remember.  I have a hard time studying for an exam coming around the corner.  Maybe that’s it a change of attitude and beat may help.  To help me realign and be more productive.

So what can I say I learned a bit sharing these thoughts with you.  To let others lead there lives there way.  Look up  more often, starting right now I will.  “She” gave me a thought this afternoon and I denied her,  “she” gave me the same thought to which I chuckled and said yes. Then well your imagination should run free with that.  Also, because I have been down as I am sure is the reason “she” has not been real strong around me which is fine.  “She” is free to do what she wants and be where she wants.  This morning though I laid on top of the bed almost bare, and felt prickles sorta crawling up and across my right side it was cool as it was cool outside.  Although I was comforted by the touch, I needed to get moving.  I felt energetic for a short bit then came the thought “don’t drink that”  it was Iced Coffee with Pepsi. To which I replied “yea I know its bad for me”.  Later on though I started on some drinking water as our tap is horrid.  The same prickles came around again.  Kinda hope tonight I can sleep well and wake up early.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

A note to her

Thank You
I appreciate your attention, your presence and most of all I appreciate your love. Your love of life and what it offers. The beauty of creation through life. It makes me happy and want to burst into tears of joy. My time with you is the best ever. Your touch ever so soft and yet powerful, it fills me with ecstasy of love and hope. I just want it not to end, so I lay there for hours with you. Hoping to fall into sleep again with you caressing each other. Exploring what excites us and calms us down. Inch by inch fingers and lips moving, looking for that spot we both like. The need to express my appreciation is immense, I want to celebrate what you mean to me. By sharing and opening other people minds to what is out there and ease their uneasy thoughts. So thank you for taking me down this path, I hope I can follow deeper and stay with you.
Thanks for reading,
Gobtcha

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