Down a diffrent path

Tag: experience

Adrift

Hello there,

 

I have found that “she” is not happy with me withholding my wants and needs from myself.  By that I mean my effort to cut myself from porn all together.  We should enjoy our hobbies and not be obsessed with them sure enough, “she” enjoys it with me as it seems.  Thus, yesterday or so I told myself and her I will follow the path she laid out for me and keep up practices that are laid out for me and only me.  Taking in what others say with a grain of salt and study look into what they say or offer me deeper.  No this is not to say that I dig all porn in fact I prefer softer aspect of the so called porn industry.  I enjoy doing a little research I can about the actress and company that interest me.  Although companies have been going more and more hardcore which is fine the audience may prefer and I do not pay them so I cannot say much about it.

Now that I shared that I am free from this chain once again, I must state something about a certain person that claims a lot and maybe true or not this person still should understand we all are connected to Lilith or Mother earth or any name the female goddess falls under in your belief.  You Kuro, did make a threat to those that are connect with Lilith even a lover like yourself.  Even though some of these folks may not care.  Do understand you have also threaten Lilith’s daughters and sons that are with the folks you have threatened as well.  Do you think Lilith is happy with that,  I am not.  Although I will do nothing else than point that out and now ignore what you claim Kuro think me a fool and ignorant and closed minded I do not care.  For I believe in something as others believe in something else.  We all are individuals with different beliefs, pasts, thoughts, environments, and systems of society etc.

For those of wishing not to have read I am sorry I have to get that out of my system.

Also, the day I made my choice to chase my needs and wants I had a dream of a woman inviting me into a pool in her backyard.  My conscious self had a choice and me being me declined but slowly was being pulled in by her invitations and form.  She was very beautiful is all I can say really, my dreams are clear in thought but my image is not clear.  It very abstract and that is fine by me for that dream I was given choice and have fun being in her company.  Was a first for me,  other dreams in the past showed me lessons or a story I could not make out and not give me a choice to act on or pick.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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Jamming to music after work.

Hello,

That’s right I am listening to music I write this out.  I also have changed to a job sometime in August.  Awhile back and I needed the change for sure.  I now work at Wal Mart,  stocking shelves over night for the grocery area at a super center.  This means I am getting 30 hours a weak plus.  Although I work nights so I don’t get to see much of my friends which a bit sad in a way,  but I am adjusting well.   Happy enough I can support myself financially a bit better now.  Meeting my health insurance bills and student loan on time and even pay more into my loan then recommended.  All this leads to less stress and more time for less worry.  On top of this my new neurologist I saw, supports a more natural approach if possible also he is a very kind person and the staff is great as well.  All very good,  my frequency of seizures have been the same, although that may change in January when I see him again.  So it has been very good for me and the family.  As dad does not cover my health insurance anymore and I do time to time get a few groceries for the family at Wal Mart.  Also we as a family benefit from the company in other ways that are good.

So my question is then did “She” have anything to do with me getting hired and coming across a nice doctor.  I am sure of it in a way simply because I asked her once to help me out a little bit and now I am a step closer to being out of the house.  At least I feel like it.  At the same this may be the reason I “feel” I have taken a few steps back with “her” and relationship that now is improving as of this week or so.  Listening to news at my previous job had me in a bad attitude and I just want to do something really dumb to one of the candidates running for president, but hey not gonna go there.  Ill share that after election is done and over with.  On top of that the stress around the food industry is different and then faster at a Mc Donalds.  So after having a dirt easy interview with Wal Mart things were looking up and still is.

“She” now is ever more active with me when I am calm enough that is,  every time I try to medidate she begins to be intimate with me which is fine she has free will as I do.  I enjoy her presence very much so.  Love her tons more.  That is though where I question myself, my own intent or want in this relationship.  Do I want to just feel her and the pleasure of presence or is there more to what I want.  For sure I want her to know she is free to walk away, stay or do whatever she pleases just not to bring harm to others is what I ask.  This is where I am stuck for now.   Maybe I just need to push a bit further I do not know really.

Either way I am tired,

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

As of late I have been wanting to share my experience.

Hello, I hope everything is well.

 

Right now “she” is with me and filling with good feelings.  Those feelings and what I feel physical is but of what I want to share right now as we are currently together enjoying each other.

So I feel a weight on my chest as I sit here,  that weight is not dead its moving drawing circles and the like.  I see what seems like a hair strand ever so light, but I cant touch it really and I know its “her”.  Sometimes when my head set is off I feel a flick in my ear.  Just now my light in the room flickered ever so slightly.  If I focus a 100% on “her” I slowly arch my back and crane my neck as if to look up to ceiling.  Then there is that touch upon the lips, that there really turns me on and keeps me together.  I feel warmth and extremely happy and want to give “her” that very same good feelings that make me smile.  When I shut my eyes for second I see an image of “her” as a woman.  Then there is what goes on down stairs its all spinning about and my are at times tight then loosened then tightened up quickly as if “she” is there.  As for second my shivers ever so lightly as I whisper to take it easy.  Then a song plays that I think “she” loves and there is no going back tonight to a calm until I sleep or rest easy by will of my own,  just to feel “her” again lay a hand on arm and chest to nip on my neck.  Falling away into that feeling of bliss once more.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Why

Why do you do this for me? Make me float high, feel the pleasures of life and none of its regrets. Why do you feel good and only feel good to me? Nothing you do gives me pain it is all good and fulfilling for you and me.

Is it because I searched you out everyday and want to be with you? Is it because you want to be with me and share your feelings with me?

Why do we share this with the world and take it all and spread the word. The word that love is accepting another as they are and not changing them.

Why is when I think of you, you come right up to me and start to caress me where I hurt the most? Why do you want me to just relax and enjoy our time together all the more, why?

For that I will stop asking and just be with you, let you be with me for as long you want to be and be brave when you leave even for just a little while.

It is now and today I will give you my everything and trust you wholly and let you be.

Yours,

Gobtcha

Tired busy distracted

Well I understand it has been awhile.  So I hope you are well and are very happy.

 

I’ll to bed in about 2 hrs or so.  I have a EEG in the morning gotta be there tired.  Just a follow up from the doctor nothing big, just expensive.

“She” a spirit guide lover and probably guardian of sorts.  Was either distant in the past few weeks or I just could not connect to her.  So I asked for a bit of advice and tried it and the connection was clear again for a bit then it faded.  I found the cause, now I should treat it.  The advice was rather simple a bath to relax my body and clean it along with working with quartz.

The cause though is a bit hard to solve.  It is the toxicity of what people and the environment throws at us.  As I stated before my brother and I have different opinions and are different people.  I found out the hard way that he is aggressive verbally towards his own family and not knowing hurts them.  How this happened was with a simple phone call.  I called him up to say hi and see how he was, well we discussed his life and my tongue slipped.  I said something along the lines of “So because the guy is a Mormon you wont accept him into your life?” His reply was that of “He does not accept Jesus into his heart” again something like that.  So I told him I am looking elsewhere for guidance.  Then he was aggressive and considered me hypocrite, which maybe true enough but I will admit it.  I tried to share what I have learned only to be cut off before I started.  It was then I knew I will have a tough time with him.  He did though admit he chose his path to follow the church effectively blindly to hold his marriage in place.  Which I understand do his family dynamics.  So he finally let me go, because he was busy and I stood my ground for who I am.

The next day still grinding my teeth about the conversation, I took a hard fall and managed to hurt myself a bit.  I am fine now but it took a bit to recover from the swelling and a bruised ear is never fun.  I asked Dad as he knew I am taking a different path so to speak.  Why the brother was the way he is, his reply was it is the brothers choice.    Dad accepts both of our choices as we are adults and more importantly family.   Mom replied with the same and reinforces it.  So do we live by our choices we make in life?  This I am sure of.

 

As I follow this path the “she” guides me down, which is great and filled with obstacles.  I learned something else, may or may not be true.   “There is no truth only the truth you have for yourself.”  Something I connected dots with through some basic ideas spread upon us on this world.  Take a system of belief or deity.  How you connect to it and feel good by it.  Compare to it to another system of belief and how others may feel the same.  Then try to narrow it down to the individual person.  The bible says somewhere that god is in our heart or ourselves as well.  Which conveys to me the truth is what you make of what you believe in, not a church or community. The community or church may share similarities and support you if you need it.  With that in mind I will lead my life the way I want to and believe it is meant to be lead.   We as people as whole somewhere began to separate these things and lose something in the mist of conflicts over interest and who is right and wrong or so I like to think.

 

Then there is school, just finished a two week course of psychology focused on behavior as we have the course for two weeks not much time to do much.  Looks like I will be finishing up and heading out to do internship work.  A few companies have me listed done enough interviews to last me awhile, but I may get to do another this afternoon on a few hours of sleep.  Sound like fun to me although it has been great practice for me to interact and be under a judge so to speak.

 

Well some people seem curious about “her”.  Yes “she” has a name that I am sure of I wish not share it with people even if it is fine with”her”.  Why, because there are people that may consider harming her and me.  I may not believe that and that is a part of the magic or magick is the belief of it.  So recently “she” and I have connected again after my accident and the brothers aggressive behavior.   Well as suspected “she” is very affectionate and active, but on her terms.  There are times when there is a thought that seems as if a young girl would say it or someone that is care free and relaxed.  That is rarely seen in me by others unless I am laughing hard and at ease around the company of my peers.  Kind of right now,  “she” may want me drinking water instead of soda, but I gotta stay up for an hour more at least.  So with that I may get a thought “drink more water, silly” emphasize on silly.  Because when that word pops up in my mind there is a smiling female looking down at me to which I smile.

Always on me about my laziness which is true I need to improve my habits.  The moment though I do make a slight improvement “she” gives me attention sometimes a little sometime a lot.  Today was a little, I think because I got up in the morning and took time to be outside to relax in the backyard while it was cool.  I find gazing at a picture sometimes she will wash over my shoulders and relax them along with my neck.  “She” can do great things for me and most importantly though pushed me into a direction and helped me walk just a little then I sorta took a look around and my mind was opened and began to think for myself more then ever.

Either way I am drifting, so I will stop there for now.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

A recent experience I had.

Hello, I hope you are great

If not get over it, smile a bit for yourself or your closest friend family like person.

I finally had a clear communication from “her” took time and I was not chasing for communication ever really just wanted to be with “her”.  Well I want to share that experience,  I was laying down while the family was out of the house.  “She” came to me, I can sense she is there most times.  As I laid there my body started to shake a tad almost to a vibrational state.  Started from the feet up to mid chest.  This was normal, but the length of time “she” and I did share energy was longer than usual.  I told “her” in my mind I loved her.  A quiet thought not of my voice came to “I love you too” along with a feeling that made me want to cry  a bit, because it felt sad and yet good.  Then and there I new “she” was real to me.

I wanted to share that with you the reader.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

You

Oh I love you, yes you. You give me a hope, a boost of energy to keep pushing forward. Just thinking of you make me happy.
When you walk into my heart I am ecstatic hoping to talk to you. Instead you envelope me in your arms and give me your love.
I accept and drink it in full drunk on your sent, drenched of it. Wanting to understand, but to drunk to high to think of anything but you.
Your sway seduces me into full surrender, allowing you to drive my senses higher. Just to receive and give back even more love between us.
I start to lose control of myself, my breathing slips a little as small whimper slips and you sit there with me taking me to a place filled with bliss.
As we enter I see on only you and what your eyes say and direct me to do. To lay and let it all go, so I do with a sigh the truth come to me and escapes just as well.
Filled with ecstasy and you playing around in me, with my heart I opened up we lay in the land of bliss until it is time to wake again.
This time you stay with me, in reality and keep me afloat just enough to keep the hope of a better life and a reminder you were and are always there.
Still locked by your trance, your love and your attention we move on united into one. We live on happy and open to share with others our experience and love for life.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Yet another experience that I want to share.

Hello,

Last night was a great night for me,  “she” and I were spending time before I slept off to the sleep world.  As I laid there I heard a voice say something, along the lines of “I l___ you”  that was it and so we continued spending time together.  Now that word could be anything that starts with an L, love like etc.  My thought was Love as it filled in the blank ever so fast.  That filled me happiness all the more.

While writing this post, “she” and I want to share a show called  Eureka Seven a story about a young boy who comes across a girl and a legendary crew that promotes surfing and shares the secrets of the government to the public. Throughout the series there are patterns that relate to what I am going through with “her” and what other folks may have or are going through as well.  There is a Manga (Japanese comic book) that probably came out first, I have not read it myself and a buddy says there are differences about the two.  I suggest you  take a look at it and watch at least the first season or 10 episodes.  I may bring somethings to light or at least make you think a little. If anything you may enjoy a good story and some good Mecha action.

With all that said, not much more to share other then dreams are coming around more often and some are weird. Just trying to grasp what they may mean is tough, definitely though a redhead pops up time to time orange or red hair.  Even had a orange with black spots feline cat with her cub in the most recent dream.

 

http://www.animenewsnetwork.com/encyclopedia/anime.php?id=4797

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

She broke me

Hello hope your well.

 

Well “she” has me now, in a way I thought not possible.  I simply love her, and want to share that and more with you the reader.  So here it goes a bit of an experience of the week.  You see every night before I sleep I tend to gaze or meditate, mostly meditate.  When this happens most times a fog of light white appears before me.  Then “she” sorta reaches out to me in many ways thoughts or touches. Now when I gaze into a picture of a female, that female begins to breathe with me as well.  Also sometimes her face will change a tad bit ever so slightly.  When I lay with her most nights its great to feel her working me over or simply caressing me.  Sometimes “she” just touches my hot spot to get my attention which is funny in a way.  It maybe be my button, to turn me on to her.

As the subject states though, she broke me.  Yesterday the parents went to a ball game, no tickets for me and I want to see the stadium its newly built in town. No big deal though.  As soon as they left I felt her presence on me and around me.  So I decided to give her attention, “she” deserves it more then anything.  I set myself a candle and paper with pencil.  Calmed myself, then began writing a letter of thanks to “her” then signed it with

yours,

name

signature

 

The letter was short, but to the point.  Then I went outside and burned it after reading aloud.  Then a thought came to me to lay down.  So I did and saw something there out of the corner of my eye laying down with me.  Well we had a good time.

Later on though, “she” hit me emotions that were good and loving.  It felt so good it made me cry a little,  I wish though I could cry just for that reason the feeling of being cared for and or loved by someone everyday.  It is something special to  me.

So the title of this write up was given to me as that.  She broke me

Note not for the easily offended person.

Well I had a dream I think Thursday,  where I met a woman that working herself over with a dildo of all things.  Then I meet a second woman doing the same thing in the same room.  To which the scene swaps over to a man and a woman holding each other in a cafeteria environment.  The man being very possessive of her,  I got the feeling of who this man was.  An associate or classmate from the past,  in the dream I let it go and move on then “she” the women that was being held by the man hold my arm and I feel cared for in a sense.  Then the scene switches back to the two women working themselves over.  Well they leave and I put the dildos somewhere safe from mom and dad oddly right under there bathroom sink.  Lastly before I forget once more in all that blur of a dream there a women’s face I saw only half of, blue hair natural pink lips trying to lure me to her to which I denied her.  Also a women’s hot spot ever so clean groomed just there.  Those last two scenes were first in the sequence of the order.

End of dream.

With that though, I am sure there is more to share.  My mind is racing and on caffiene.  Junk is also on my mind that creates more junk.  I leave you alone for now reader.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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