Down a diffrent path

Tag: Figure

Adrift

Hello there,

 

I have found that “she” is not happy with me withholding my wants and needs from myself.  By that I mean my effort to cut myself from porn all together.  We should enjoy our hobbies and not be obsessed with them sure enough, “she” enjoys it with me as it seems.  Thus, yesterday or so I told myself and her I will follow the path she laid out for me and keep up practices that are laid out for me and only me.  Taking in what others say with a grain of salt and study look into what they say or offer me deeper.  No this is not to say that I dig all porn in fact I prefer softer aspect of the so called porn industry.  I enjoy doing a little research I can about the actress and company that interest me.  Although companies have been going more and more hardcore which is fine the audience may prefer and I do not pay them so I cannot say much about it.

Now that I shared that I am free from this chain once again, I must state something about a certain person that claims a lot and maybe true or not this person still should understand we all are connected to Lilith or Mother earth or any name the female goddess falls under in your belief.  You Kuro, did make a threat to those that are connect with Lilith even a lover like yourself.  Even though some of these folks may not care.  Do understand you have also threaten Lilith’s daughters and sons that are with the folks you have threatened as well.  Do you think Lilith is happy with that,  I am not.  Although I will do nothing else than point that out and now ignore what you claim Kuro think me a fool and ignorant and closed minded I do not care.  For I believe in something as others believe in something else.  We all are individuals with different beliefs, pasts, thoughts, environments, and systems of society etc.

For those of wishing not to have read I am sorry I have to get that out of my system.

Also, the day I made my choice to chase my needs and wants I had a dream of a woman inviting me into a pool in her backyard.  My conscious self had a choice and me being me declined but slowly was being pulled in by her invitations and form.  She was very beautiful is all I can say really, my dreams are clear in thought but my image is not clear.  It very abstract and that is fine by me for that dream I was given choice and have fun being in her company.  Was a first for me,  other dreams in the past showed me lessons or a story I could not make out and not give me a choice to act on or pick.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

What can I say.

Hello there, I want to share so many thoughts tonight.

As of late I have been studying more and more for another certification in my field.  I hope to do well for it.  Frankly though when I study, “she” is around trying to convey something.  You see communication at least to me is very difficult between us.  I can pickup on obvious signs when “she” is okay with doing some things like laying around or spending a bit of intimate time together.  Other kind of signs are harder though.  While “she” lifts my spirits when they are down, “she” also seems to push a little and send a thought like, “lets go for a walk” to get me to focus on her for a bit.  Some days are just harder is all I guess.  Today was not though really that hard.

Now if you have read what I shared here you might remember a mentioning of me being molested or raped.  Well “she” pushed me to ask a bit about exactly what rape and other types of sexual assault is or are.  From the facts I found and saw I was raped in technicality at age of 16 by a friend that thought we were “really” close when he was curious. He apparently took advantage of me when I was asleep.  So he revived a curt elbow in the rib, but in my mind it was too late.  That then and there is where He drew the line and we were distant since then.  Now after a decade I think I can let go and be free of that lingering thought along with other accidents that occurred due to my kind and naive heart.

Ahh yes, I had a dream the other day. Forgive me though it has faded a little bit.  That day I had paid a visit to the campus to take care of Financial aid.  The dream sorta takes place there and in the time I was there sorta.  It started I was sitting in the office waiting for financial aid lady to call me in. She was busy that day.  The lady at the counter was uncomfortable with the silence and I was there sorta moving to a tune in my head.  Then she popped a question “whats your favorite music?” well I replied differently then I actually did. I said “P.O.D.”  There music is actually great a good up beat most of the time.    Right then the dream swaps around a bit and becomes a bit graphic. So a bit of warning here:

I began to try and shove my ding dong into the center of the cd and of course it wont fit.  Then I thought lets try the Rob Zombie album no good either as I felt a presence come around and I quickly put em in my drawer while in bed apparently now, just to wake up with energy like feeling surrounding what is down stairs.  Then I fell asleep again to awaken refreshed as my morning began.

I am also noticing that Dad has more tolerance then most.  He does not fear but merely wants to understand.  Also speaking of Dad I learned that our debt is improving a tad better.  Time and time again I check myself to see.

Also this is about the 3rd time this happened this week out of nowhere really.  With “her” on my mind and “things” going on I would see a trail of vapor I want to call it, nearby where I felt her or something on me.  Kinda bizarre at first, but I accept it.  It can be just dust in the air with the wind we get and our dry climate.  Although I disagree and “she” disagrees as she just sorta smiles a tad.

p.s. one more thing that pot of seeds I setup has indeed given growth I wound up drowing them but I have reseeded and growth appeared today.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Have I changed? and a slew of questions and comments

Hello, a constant thing I notice, right now is my attitude and approach to life and people has changed.  Have you noticed the same a change in something a point of view or how you take information or news ?

After I had started taking up meditation for my own personal health, and trying to keep a consistency of it, I have changed in many ways.  One is I feel the want to approach someone in kinder way, or not lash out at all if frustration is at a peak for me.  I am looking at cup half full or fuller and not half empty or empty.  I owe this to those people that share their experiences.  Also to “her” for she reminds me to have faith in people and the unknown out there.

While I may communicate with “her” it is through feelings of emotion or physical touches.  This one night/morning, I left a friends place and walked home, got in at 4 am.  It a little late for me, but I was up early  the previous day so I was not all there.  Right as I enter the house close the door and lock up.  I felt a pokey feeling in my temples,  then as I maneuvered to take care of some stuff before I crash. I see this swirl of black surrounding my head and all I can say was “okay okay”.  I see it as “her” telling me to be careful or just excitement at me finally getting home.  In short I had 3 hours in bed and most of that was not rest.  I awoke once to a feeling around my mid section and chest.  I heard a sigh, and saw a figure at the door as if peering in the room and it was changing in shape.  I smiled and tried to sleep to little avail.  Most times though is a brush of air or a poke, recently though she has been rubbing my stomach and chest, which relaxes me.

After her visits I am kind and probably more empathetic to others and their feelings.  I have read up on the chakra system and been working or trying to understand my own and where they are at, in order to better myself and find a balance.  Through the practice of recognizing the chakra and applying what they stand for, I am leading generally a better life.  Trying for better foods, taking a different approach and allowing what gets to me not get to me.  This I am sure “she” is happy.  Days after “she” came into my life.  I felt her constantly working over my forehead as I tried to sleep, even this one night it hit my head on the wall next to the bed not hard, she immediately started working on it do not know why other than to ease what pain was there.

That is something that I am curious about as well, pain tolerance.  Mom says I have a high pain tolerance. Why? I do not know.  Is it because when I am hurt I do not complain about it and just move forward until someone says “Gobtcha sit down, let me get something for that knee ?”  I guess it comes down to me not wanting to complain about something in a world that is full of complaints.  It gets to me when someone complains about a minor inconvenience when there is nothing that can be done about it.  “she” tells me though to sound off sooner rather than later if there is something troubling me or if I need something done sometime.  My peers that known me for a great while also put stress to this.  So I gotta put that into practice a bit more.

A part of my “research” as reckless as it is has led me down a path filled with uncertainty then it all kinda comes together and makes sense, but only to a point.  I do thinks Lilith in spirit is made of three distinct traits or qualities. Wisdom, Darkness, and Desire.  She is wise as told through the biblical story where she share knowledge with Adam and Eve.  Darkness in that she chose a path less traveled and lit to flee or leave the Garden of Eden after her wishes were not met and only to be treated unequally by Adam.  There is of course Desire or her lust and sexuality she has as she mated with an angel. Of course I am taking this from the popular biblical story in Genesis or some Hebrew myths  What I said, may not be truly accurate as the stories I read differ a little here and there, but I believe that is the trend.  For Lilith in spirit,  I also think she wants equality in all things for both males and females, today I find women being the superior in the household family or business world in sometimes not all families are like that where the wife gets here every wish while the man does not.  I myself experienced this once as a supervisor, that would treat and rate my work poorly and did the same with every other male there, but the females that she worked with were the opposite.  In the end I was happy when I could leave and move on to better things.

Also through out my “research” I found people using protection seals when working with spirits or entities.  A thought came to mind then “does that function the same way”  that being a dream-catcher a gift from the past I kept hung in my room.  I looked around the net to no avail nonetheless I took down and placed it somewhere safe.  The reason I did that is I feel anyone is welcome to do what they want, it is there right as a being.  So why would I stop an entity or spirit from visiting my place of sleep.  To be safe sure, but it goes against a morale of mine to let others do as they wish as long as no harm comes to me and if it does reason with the person causing the harm if reason is not good enough then I will stop the harm being done to me another way.

I hope this was not too much or confusing for you the reader, my experience has been great with “her” I believe she is happy as well.  I hope you are as well, I will share some sources sometime soon on what I stated here.

Shadows and an objective

Hello, things are going fairly well for me, although my family on the brothers side is dealing with a bit of an obstacle. The wife was sent in to the hospital for a hear spasm. I cannot visit her as she is out of my home town, nor is my will strong enough to sacrifice the time or effort for the trip. Simply put she is someone I do not like. I am glad though she is safe and has my brother which has a good heart to take care of her. I always hope he recognizes what she is doing in the long run. Aside from that though I am well, as I hope you are. Today want to share some thoughts on my past sights/experience of the supernatural. So after having my first gran-mal seizure which was fun around the age of 16, at a place about an hour and half away from a hospital. Everything went well except for a hefty bill that took a years worth of two teachers salaries to pay off. I was home and getting myself to bed, as I crossed through the kitchen and living area to the bedroom. I saw to figures which were a black shadow look to them and no eyes. I dismissed it as I was not really caring at the time of the unknown and wanted sleep I am sure. Later on that year after seizing up and having a pretty bad scare of it too, I noticed on of them looking over my bed as I drifted back to sleep. Since then my seizing has improved a ton full where they are not serious to me and my health. If you need a label on them it is petty-mal to complex seizures. I wonder today though who or what those figures were, and if they are still here. Honestly, it is a bit troublesome now that my mind and heart is opened more so then before.

At the end though I do dismiss it as it is in the passed and not present. I look into the present to move on, because at time my mood, attitude and or energy will drop like a rock and the present positive things thoughts is what keeps me pushing. When “she” came into my life I was angry at myself for not being able to control my mood toward others and my anger. So I was whirlwind of emotional chaos sad one moment to anger the next. The doctor saw it as a side effect of one of two pills I take, so he put me on an anti-depressant. During my two weeks on it “she” visited me in a way that was nice for me and her. Days later though able to focus and think clearly I caught myself not being me, so I took myself of the anti-depressant. Lord did I feel myself think clear and I am able to control most of my feelings. I believe “she” is helping with that along with relaxation techniques which I am still looking into today. On that note thank you once again for sharing your thoughts on relaxation it is a help to be away from what I am constantly around which computers and machines. Instead out in nature where we originated.

The biggest thing that “she” has done though is break down a barrier of mine, which enables me to relax and let things just happen and I can hold my silence in peace. Now I believe we work on other barriers or walls metaphorically speaking so that “she” and I can work closer and smoother together.

I do apologize if this what you the reader was expecting, right now jotting these thoughts down is what I need to do and “she” agrees with that to act on your thoughts and needs. Which is to share as much as comfortably possible.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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