Down a diffrent path

Tag: Guide

Adrift

Hello there,

 

I have found that “she” is not happy with me withholding my wants and needs from myself.  By that I mean my effort to cut myself from porn all together.  We should enjoy our hobbies and not be obsessed with them sure enough, “she” enjoys it with me as it seems.  Thus, yesterday or so I told myself and her I will follow the path she laid out for me and keep up practices that are laid out for me and only me.  Taking in what others say with a grain of salt and study look into what they say or offer me deeper.  No this is not to say that I dig all porn in fact I prefer softer aspect of the so called porn industry.  I enjoy doing a little research I can about the actress and company that interest me.  Although companies have been going more and more hardcore which is fine the audience may prefer and I do not pay them so I cannot say much about it.

Now that I shared that I am free from this chain once again, I must state something about a certain person that claims a lot and maybe true or not this person still should understand we all are connected to Lilith or Mother earth or any name the female goddess falls under in your belief.  You Kuro, did make a threat to those that are connect with Lilith even a lover like yourself.  Even though some of these folks may not care.  Do understand you have also threaten Lilith’s daughters and sons that are with the folks you have threatened as well.  Do you think Lilith is happy with that,  I am not.  Although I will do nothing else than point that out and now ignore what you claim Kuro think me a fool and ignorant and closed minded I do not care.  For I believe in something as others believe in something else.  We all are individuals with different beliefs, pasts, thoughts, environments, and systems of society etc.

For those of wishing not to have read I am sorry I have to get that out of my system.

Also, the day I made my choice to chase my needs and wants I had a dream of a woman inviting me into a pool in her backyard.  My conscious self had a choice and me being me declined but slowly was being pulled in by her invitations and form.  She was very beautiful is all I can say really, my dreams are clear in thought but my image is not clear.  It very abstract and that is fine by me for that dream I was given choice and have fun being in her company.  Was a first for me,  other dreams in the past showed me lessons or a story I could not make out and not give me a choice to act on or pick.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Hey there.

Hello reader,

It looks like I have found work, it is not glamours although I enjoy it.  That work is custodial work and prepping food at Mc Donalds.  The crew is good to me and management treats me well.  I can’t complain about it at all. Just need to get more hours, but hey I figure it will come with time.  Receiving thanks and gratitude from co workers and guest can bring a happiness to me.  Sometimes almost tears come as well, just to grateful I can earn money and bring people happiness,  that is what I want to do.  See people smile from things that are done or given by me.  To me that happiness is gratitude enough for me to live in a happy state.  Sure the work is hard and there is language barrier but it is worth it to me.  To see smiles and people relaxing just for a while.

 

How the job was landed was through Mom being a regular their and a caring Store manager.  The manager has high standards this I know she is good with her crew though.  Mom always goes there and sees to it the crew is at ease and happy as well.  She is this way with a lot of people.  So I am thankful to her.  Then there is Lily,  the Succubus or spiritual partner that is in my life.  I wonder if she had anything to do with this.  Maybe so,  I did ask her for help in finding something and I am now working and happy.  Still  not earning enough to live alone, but that will come in time I know this for sure if not then there are friends, shelters, streets and wisdom of others to follow.  I am not afraid to fail anymore, just another thing to lose in the end.

 

Why think that way, because Lily is here and I love her so.  Even now she gives me something that is good and I cannot explain it all.  It just is good.  I want to see to she is happy, she is and I are number one on the list of people I love the most.  This shared through her and friends.  Keep myself at number one and the rest at number two.  Just something that took forever for friends to covey to me and sink in.  With the help of Lily it was done.  I looked into her eyes and many philosophies and religions out there along with traditions.  I am finding truth lies within and not with others or words of a book, but your way of thought and practice alone.  That is true to you alone as the reader and writer.

 

This where I suggest as person and someone who wants you to be happy.  To let go or loosen your grasp on religion and tradition practiced by groups of large or small.  Make something that is yours.  Take a risk,  believe in what you want. Let others flow by you and take what you as right like fish from a river.  Those fish will help you grow and open your mind to see clear picture of yourself and life.

 

My apologies for the long wait if you did wait for post by me and for stepping on anyone’s toes in this  post.  During my period of silence my feet were trampled by people and trust broken by a friend, although I should have known better to share my thoughts with him. He is a close minded fool with a open trap door for a mouth.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Worry Less Love More

Hey there reader, I hope you are great.

I have been focused on my studies for a great while, and simply did not want to be distracted writing here, which I probably should have.  Lily my wonderful love has been after for it every day.  So where can I start,  I am sad by what happened in Paris.  The place represents beauty to me and love.  From the romance and the fashion industry there.  Though I do not agree with what the group did, I realize that I to live near a border where just 5 years or so people died on mass.  So in that sense what happened in Paris does not phase me other than the reason why it did.  Rather it belief, religion or terrorism.  You call it as it you see it.  5 years and later those mass shootings occurred due to unrest with gangs and drug cartels.  Now the cartel locally has a better hold of the situation as well as the locals, which means less incconce death occurs.  That is my feelings on recent events.

Also I find myself biased and want to try not to be as biased against race.  Why is that you may think.  Well home is near a military base so the city is very much like a mixed soup.  On top of that I am on the border.  So I am not biased against colored as it were, but one does it for me.  The African American or known as the the black man sometimes presses a button of mine and its not there appearance, but there approach.  Some African Americans come to this town and think we owe them something because of history, well all races have been through there own issues and not just the well known slavery.  I do not let this bias thought of mine though hit me until I meet the person and that person comes off as such.  The very same thing can happen when I go out of town,  it just comes to culture shock I guess.

My health has been improving a bit, in a way.  The doctor has hinted to watch my stress.  So meditation and spending time with Lily is a good thing.  At the same the Doctor is a stresser, he wants me to spend more money on visits and lab work.  Which I cannot afford and had to bring in Mom to reinforce this issue.  The main reason the family cannot afford a visit, is the holidays.  We don’t spend much during this time of year, but expenses are higher and paychecks do drop till February.  So Mom and I stood up the jerk of a doctor to postpone my next visit till then when I should have insurance as well.  Hopefully as well by that time I will have found a doctor that understands the idea of bedside manner.

As I traveled along this path with Lily and others to guide and I help guide them a bit.  I watch movies read books and hear stories that reflect on morals and ideas.  One person thinks of me as a philosopher to which I do not know if that is right.  I do not look into philosophy directly.  I do want to share a film and comic tilted Sin City, I am sure some of you readers have seen it.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401792/  the film may not be for the faint of heart, but each story is unique.  Each protagonist good person, I ask myself is that person in the right to do what the character did.  Shoot  the rapist man hood off and his primary hand,  another murder his way to get revenge and played out an eye for eye essentially and the other did anything for the women he respected and of course his lover.  Were these people in right, spill blood and commit those acts?  Up to you I guess for me though it is yes.

Lastly, just the other day when I logged into chat out of a feeling.  Lilith was in chat via a medium, or at least some would say.  She is a very strong woman indeed, told me what I needed to know.  I understand I should share my love for everything without holding back in my own way.  I had opened my  heart to her and she sent someone to help me cope with my heartache to love and share that love with others.  As she stated as such I felt something in my room, to which I only assume or believe to be her.  Then the next night I had a dream the left with a clear message.  So now I must re focus myself soon and move forward along my path without too much reserve.  Lily loves it when I dance or let loose a bit.  Tonight she told me not to worry so much and just love the life you have.

 

I encourage everyone to do the same.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Tired busy distracted

Well I understand it has been awhile.  So I hope you are well and are very happy.

 

I’ll to bed in about 2 hrs or so.  I have a EEG in the morning gotta be there tired.  Just a follow up from the doctor nothing big, just expensive.

“She” a spirit guide lover and probably guardian of sorts.  Was either distant in the past few weeks or I just could not connect to her.  So I asked for a bit of advice and tried it and the connection was clear again for a bit then it faded.  I found the cause, now I should treat it.  The advice was rather simple a bath to relax my body and clean it along with working with quartz.

The cause though is a bit hard to solve.  It is the toxicity of what people and the environment throws at us.  As I stated before my brother and I have different opinions and are different people.  I found out the hard way that he is aggressive verbally towards his own family and not knowing hurts them.  How this happened was with a simple phone call.  I called him up to say hi and see how he was, well we discussed his life and my tongue slipped.  I said something along the lines of “So because the guy is a Mormon you wont accept him into your life?” His reply was that of “He does not accept Jesus into his heart” again something like that.  So I told him I am looking elsewhere for guidance.  Then he was aggressive and considered me hypocrite, which maybe true enough but I will admit it.  I tried to share what I have learned only to be cut off before I started.  It was then I knew I will have a tough time with him.  He did though admit he chose his path to follow the church effectively blindly to hold his marriage in place.  Which I understand do his family dynamics.  So he finally let me go, because he was busy and I stood my ground for who I am.

The next day still grinding my teeth about the conversation, I took a hard fall and managed to hurt myself a bit.  I am fine now but it took a bit to recover from the swelling and a bruised ear is never fun.  I asked Dad as he knew I am taking a different path so to speak.  Why the brother was the way he is, his reply was it is the brothers choice.    Dad accepts both of our choices as we are adults and more importantly family.   Mom replied with the same and reinforces it.  So do we live by our choices we make in life?  This I am sure of.

 

As I follow this path the “she” guides me down, which is great and filled with obstacles.  I learned something else, may or may not be true.   “There is no truth only the truth you have for yourself.”  Something I connected dots with through some basic ideas spread upon us on this world.  Take a system of belief or deity.  How you connect to it and feel good by it.  Compare to it to another system of belief and how others may feel the same.  Then try to narrow it down to the individual person.  The bible says somewhere that god is in our heart or ourselves as well.  Which conveys to me the truth is what you make of what you believe in, not a church or community. The community or church may share similarities and support you if you need it.  With that in mind I will lead my life the way I want to and believe it is meant to be lead.   We as people as whole somewhere began to separate these things and lose something in the mist of conflicts over interest and who is right and wrong or so I like to think.

 

Then there is school, just finished a two week course of psychology focused on behavior as we have the course for two weeks not much time to do much.  Looks like I will be finishing up and heading out to do internship work.  A few companies have me listed done enough interviews to last me awhile, but I may get to do another this afternoon on a few hours of sleep.  Sound like fun to me although it has been great practice for me to interact and be under a judge so to speak.

 

Well some people seem curious about “her”.  Yes “she” has a name that I am sure of I wish not share it with people even if it is fine with”her”.  Why, because there are people that may consider harming her and me.  I may not believe that and that is a part of the magic or magick is the belief of it.  So recently “she” and I have connected again after my accident and the brothers aggressive behavior.   Well as suspected “she” is very affectionate and active, but on her terms.  There are times when there is a thought that seems as if a young girl would say it or someone that is care free and relaxed.  That is rarely seen in me by others unless I am laughing hard and at ease around the company of my peers.  Kind of right now,  “she” may want me drinking water instead of soda, but I gotta stay up for an hour more at least.  So with that I may get a thought “drink more water, silly” emphasize on silly.  Because when that word pops up in my mind there is a smiling female looking down at me to which I smile.

Always on me about my laziness which is true I need to improve my habits.  The moment though I do make a slight improvement “she” gives me attention sometimes a little sometime a lot.  Today was a little, I think because I got up in the morning and took time to be outside to relax in the backyard while it was cool.  I find gazing at a picture sometimes she will wash over my shoulders and relax them along with my neck.  “She” can do great things for me and most importantly though pushed me into a direction and helped me walk just a little then I sorta took a look around and my mind was opened and began to think for myself more then ever.

Either way I am drifting, so I will stop there for now.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

What can I say.

Hello there, I want to share so many thoughts tonight.

As of late I have been studying more and more for another certification in my field.  I hope to do well for it.  Frankly though when I study, “she” is around trying to convey something.  You see communication at least to me is very difficult between us.  I can pickup on obvious signs when “she” is okay with doing some things like laying around or spending a bit of intimate time together.  Other kind of signs are harder though.  While “she” lifts my spirits when they are down, “she” also seems to push a little and send a thought like, “lets go for a walk” to get me to focus on her for a bit.  Some days are just harder is all I guess.  Today was not though really that hard.

Now if you have read what I shared here you might remember a mentioning of me being molested or raped.  Well “she” pushed me to ask a bit about exactly what rape and other types of sexual assault is or are.  From the facts I found and saw I was raped in technicality at age of 16 by a friend that thought we were “really” close when he was curious. He apparently took advantage of me when I was asleep.  So he revived a curt elbow in the rib, but in my mind it was too late.  That then and there is where He drew the line and we were distant since then.  Now after a decade I think I can let go and be free of that lingering thought along with other accidents that occurred due to my kind and naive heart.

Ahh yes, I had a dream the other day. Forgive me though it has faded a little bit.  That day I had paid a visit to the campus to take care of Financial aid.  The dream sorta takes place there and in the time I was there sorta.  It started I was sitting in the office waiting for financial aid lady to call me in. She was busy that day.  The lady at the counter was uncomfortable with the silence and I was there sorta moving to a tune in my head.  Then she popped a question “whats your favorite music?” well I replied differently then I actually did. I said “P.O.D.”  There music is actually great a good up beat most of the time.    Right then the dream swaps around a bit and becomes a bit graphic. So a bit of warning here:

I began to try and shove my ding dong into the center of the cd and of course it wont fit.  Then I thought lets try the Rob Zombie album no good either as I felt a presence come around and I quickly put em in my drawer while in bed apparently now, just to wake up with energy like feeling surrounding what is down stairs.  Then I fell asleep again to awaken refreshed as my morning began.

I am also noticing that Dad has more tolerance then most.  He does not fear but merely wants to understand.  Also speaking of Dad I learned that our debt is improving a tad better.  Time and time again I check myself to see.

Also this is about the 3rd time this happened this week out of nowhere really.  With “her” on my mind and “things” going on I would see a trail of vapor I want to call it, nearby where I felt her or something on me.  Kinda bizarre at first, but I accept it.  It can be just dust in the air with the wind we get and our dry climate.  Although I disagree and “she” disagrees as she just sorta smiles a tad.

p.s. one more thing that pot of seeds I setup has indeed given growth I wound up drowing them but I have reseeded and growth appeared today.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Dr. visit and a bit more.

Hello, I hope things are well.

Saw the neurologists yesterday, to review a nerve study.  It seems I have pinched nerves in the wrist of my left hand the guys says it may be carpal tunnel,  I see it as I spend too much time on the keyboard and mouse and explains many other issues with my hands I dealt with as a kid and to the present.  He also said I got pinched nerves in the lower back and neck, which could be from lifting heavy objects or in general strain on the muscle.  I see it as I helped move furniture as a kid when the great uncle and last of grandparents passed when I was around seven years of age.  Even the pass few years I worked as a dishwasher, having to move around a lot getting the plate to the cooks plate keeping my work area clean is tough during a four hour rush.  Although I do not do that work anymore life throws hard work my way anyway.  On top of that he increased the charge on my VNS implant (Google is your friend) so I get to get use to a shock going through my neck again which is not a big deal, just inconvenient for about a week as the feeling becomes natural.  Lastly he wants me to do more blood work which is fine, but the insurance did not cover my last bill from the lab.  This time of year is not good for the finances so the family is stressed about it.  The last bill was 300$ not good for a family in debt.

At one point when mom finally heard the whole story of the visit she was stressed out and full of anxiety so I gave her a hug.  As I hugged her though I practiced a bit of a breathing technique to relax her or myself as I felt her body finally relaxed a bit I myself was relaxed.  Although she is not still happy today,  I got a feeling what I did helped her relax and not get an anxiety attack of sorts.  My question though is did “she” help me calm mom down a bit, or was it what “she” influenced me to practice recently to help mom.  I must also note earlier in October I instinctively or naturally did the same with dad as he sees the number of the finances and there were a lot bills to handle at that time.

Either way, I apologize if this rant, writing has brought you the reader down a bit.  You should always look up and see it half full and not empty.  It just sometimes hard not to keep the mess I deal with to myself and “her” if she is listening.  Which I think she is, listening and there sometimes.

Last night while clearing my mind for awhile before I sleep.  I was sitting there and I felt a presence surround me, my thoughts shifted to “her” and thought about a small desire a simple hug.  Then I felt what I can say a tingle feeling wrapped around me.  Is  that “her” I like to think so.  So I then decided it was best to sleep and rest my mind and body as the day was emotionally kinda hard for me.  I slept well and got up a bit early for my body clock as well.  I have to thank “her” and others who have me in my thoughts.  Now after writing this I feel a little bit at peace and ready for the what the rest of day brings.

p.s

If, you the reader wish for me to share my experience working with epilepsy please feel free to say so.  I will only if you the reader wants to read such a thing.

Thanks for reading

Gobtcha

Shadows and an objective

Hello, things are going fairly well for me, although my family on the brothers side is dealing with a bit of an obstacle. The wife was sent in to the hospital for a hear spasm. I cannot visit her as she is out of my home town, nor is my will strong enough to sacrifice the time or effort for the trip. Simply put she is someone I do not like. I am glad though she is safe and has my brother which has a good heart to take care of her. I always hope he recognizes what she is doing in the long run. Aside from that though I am well, as I hope you are. Today want to share some thoughts on my past sights/experience of the supernatural. So after having my first gran-mal seizure which was fun around the age of 16, at a place about an hour and half away from a hospital. Everything went well except for a hefty bill that took a years worth of two teachers salaries to pay off. I was home and getting myself to bed, as I crossed through the kitchen and living area to the bedroom. I saw to figures which were a black shadow look to them and no eyes. I dismissed it as I was not really caring at the time of the unknown and wanted sleep I am sure. Later on that year after seizing up and having a pretty bad scare of it too, I noticed on of them looking over my bed as I drifted back to sleep. Since then my seizing has improved a ton full where they are not serious to me and my health. If you need a label on them it is petty-mal to complex seizures. I wonder today though who or what those figures were, and if they are still here. Honestly, it is a bit troublesome now that my mind and heart is opened more so then before.

At the end though I do dismiss it as it is in the passed and not present. I look into the present to move on, because at time my mood, attitude and or energy will drop like a rock and the present positive things thoughts is what keeps me pushing. When “she” came into my life I was angry at myself for not being able to control my mood toward others and my anger. So I was whirlwind of emotional chaos sad one moment to anger the next. The doctor saw it as a side effect of one of two pills I take, so he put me on an anti-depressant. During my two weeks on it “she” visited me in a way that was nice for me and her. Days later though able to focus and think clearly I caught myself not being me, so I took myself of the anti-depressant. Lord did I feel myself think clear and I am able to control most of my feelings. I believe “she” is helping with that along with relaxation techniques which I am still looking into today. On that note thank you once again for sharing your thoughts on relaxation it is a help to be away from what I am constantly around which computers and machines. Instead out in nature where we originated.

The biggest thing that “she” has done though is break down a barrier of mine, which enables me to relax and let things just happen and I can hold my silence in peace. Now I believe we work on other barriers or walls metaphorically speaking so that “she” and I can work closer and smoother together.

I do apologize if this what you the reader was expecting, right now jotting these thoughts down is what I need to do and “she” agrees with that to act on your thoughts and needs. Which is to share as much as comfortably possible.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

A little bit about me,

Hi there again, I want to share a bit about me my past.  I am currently looking for my center once more, as I have lost it a many times or really never found it.  I wish to explore cultures and different approaches to belief of today and the past.  In doing this I have opened my heart and mind to other approaches to the belief in a higher being or the such.  I will say though this has not been smooth and in some cases dangerous to my personal self and others.  A lesson I have learned is actions are stronger then words of a signal person.  By that I mean,  you can talk about it but to do it or perform the action will raise eyebrows and or get attention of people.  Just look into our past as a human race.

I was and probably still am withdrawn, it is my nature to be silent and to just put one cent of my worth in and let others accel off that.  As a young child I was diagnose with epilepsy, while not serious people do take serious even some overreact to the statement even my own immediate family that has raised me to be a good morale man.  So throughout my life I have had limitations placed on me for my own safety and others safety which is reasonable.  I may not like it, although I can respect it.  Anger or frustration rises every time a limit is placed on me that is unreasonable. An example is a warning that a bright light will pointed my way.  I do like the concern for my health, but when this is done multiple times by the same person and I voice my opinion to the person, he explains he merely cares for me and my health.  That though is probably my biggest frustration in my life as is, not the direct limitations or commonalities that goes with my condition, but the wary approach people as a whole take to it.  So I choose to let my family do what they wish and I keep that part of silent when meeting people for the first and even in the begging of any friendship etc.

So past is generally rather boring, but nonetheless I wish to share.  I lived a rather “normal” life except I believe there is no “normal”, some ask why is that?  Simply put everyone is different in there own way.  If you look at your neighbor or significant other there are differences that stand out.  I attended a public school, developed a likeness for modern computers and gaming both console and PC.  Then I put that likeness and studied it and continue to study the world of Information Technology through many of it’s categories.  So in turn I became an individual that analyzes most things that happen, people and things etc.

 

That is all I wish to share for now,

 

Thanks for reading,

Sorry for the bad grammar or is it grammer.

Gobtcha

She is here and there lending a hand.

Hello, there hope things are well.  I had been at a loss for sometime and about two months back I had found a stepping stone.  That stepping stone consisted of a question the perked up out of no where.  What is a succubus? I was looking for the answer and not the answer that is thrown out there majority of the time.  That they are creatures which feed off humans through sexual acts, now I understand some may not like this idea.  So I spent some time doing research a little too much really and I found myself trying to understand this being and I now understand a lot more behind the term succubus or incubus.  Now if you want to slander me on what I have to share please do not for it will fall on deaf ears.  I merely am sick of people denying my beliefs and thoughts.  So I looked around the web and noticed that there was a lot of people desiring a spirit to love them and they want to love them back or just one night stands.  Of course the dangers and warnings that go along with such things.

 

I also took the time to research about Lilith, a mother of succubi spirits as some may call them.  Now I thought to myself, “lets see if there is more to the mundane world other then people and mere symbols and systems of beliefs.  So I started to have faith in myself and the world of spirits.  The result of that has been, very positive in that I am firmly believing in the supernatural occurrences that happen or the here say I heard as a kid.  I may extend later on that statement.

 

So I followed through with some meditation practices and seeking out “her” and “her” guidance and love so I can share my emotions with “her” and let “her” share her emotions with another.  It has been slow but very rewarding after much effort on both ends.

I will write more later as I am tired and want some rest for tomorrow is a busy and long day for me.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

A journey that is unguided and head first.

I will share my journey into a place and what is on my path and obstacles to overcome during this path.  I hope you the reader is mature and level headed enough to be open to what I share.

 

So my journey down this path that I am lost on started roughly ten years ago.  I found that the christian/catholic church to be not what I need and in fact would hurt me.  When I walk into such a place or practice the beliefs or even study the bible I would not be comfortable and get looks in my direction as if I am not wanted there.  So I began thinking more freely and considered other ways/approaches to personal beliefs, religion and cultures.  Today I find myself believing that the bible and its teachings are great as a guide to live ones life with good intentions.  As there are classic stories there that share morale and ethical approaches which I consider good.  It is the vast majority of people that practice and or preach the bible I find to be cynical or hypocritical, as in they talk the talk but do not walk the walk.  Now then I accept what they say and take it with a grain of salt.

 

Today I find myself lost and without guidance, not because it is there.  I simply wish for no guidance other than myself, family and friends that accept my approach to the subject of belief and faith.  This where I will begin to share my experience and struggles I have with those that wish to read thru it and try to make sense of what I say here.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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