Down a diffrent path

Tag: healing

Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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Have not been well.

Hello, I hope you are well keeping cool or warm.  I have the common cold, should be over in a day or two though.  Doctors gave me a whole cocktail to take so nothing to worry about just gotta keep warm.  I did try the basics keep clean, warm showers, gargle salt water, and chicken soup. Some of it relieved the crud, but still did not heal I guess is the word.  I asked “her” and she somehow influenced mom dad to apply pressure to run me to the doctor.  I just figured it would be a day or two more till they brought it up, I cannot ask them to do that for me.

Earlier today while I was thinking about “her” and the words popped out of the blue “I need you”.  So today I will make an effort to meditate on her and find out what that is.  Writing my thoughts here is a way to calm my mind.  I also have been looking into a picture of a female into her gaze and I see it change then the facial expression changes almost as if it is breathing, the hair swaying slightly.  Could be just me though.  The picture can be found here http://magicnaanavi.deviantart.com/#/art/Faceless-358341352?hf=1  it might be just the colors used dunno.  Either way gonna drop it and just focus on myself rest and focus on “her” as well.

I did seize up sometime last week, and then caught the cold.  It felt as if something was removing itself from my body, my instincts told me to use my magnet to activate the implant in my chest.  It did its job I am not worried at all.  I reflected back and I did some reading on epilepsy about tow days before and the day before.  Might be something to do with it.  So I stopped for now I may get back into reading about it later as it becomes an interest.  Another trigger just plain lack of rest and food.

Thanks for reading

Gobtcha

 

 

To answer a question and a bit of a vision sorta

Hello hope you are well,

A question came up, so I looked around and found some information.

Do people that have a mental condition be more in tune with spirits then others? That is not word for word.

The answer yes and no.

In the bible under the book of mark they are lines that state something along the lines of Jesus the son of God, removing the demon that causes epileptic fits or shakes out of a few people.  I have not read it out of the bible so take this how you wish.  As I dug around I saw videos and testimonials of church leaders removing these demons.  So I took the meaning of the word demon, they are beings entities and the mainstream definition states they are malevolent.  So with my distrust of the church I took this finding with a grain of salt.

Now to take a logical route to find the answer.  So I did research using terms or the subjects of religion, epilepsy, spirit.  Found a lot of info some misleading. Although one categories or type of epilepsy is temporal lobe epilepsy where the temporal lobe a part of the brain is the religion area of the brain according to one source I cannot recall.

So logic science tells me through a quick look through google about 4 hours.  That a common type of epilepsy, might help the person be in tune with their persons beliefs.  In the end though I do not believe that a mental condition will aid a person to be in tune with spirits.  It is the persons will that matters if the will is weak then so should there ability to be in tune with spirits on there terms.  It is what I believe though, make of it what you want.

I do recommend that you do some research of your own and draw your own conclusion for yourself.  Sorry for not citing any sources here.

 

So with that said above.  The other night after calming down for sleep, I laid there with my thoughts spinning so I decided to just sleep.  I woke up in the morning to an image of a women in my mind that looks awfully familiar to a girl back in high school, never socialized much with her.  Just new she was into volleyball and did well for herself in class.  I was withdrawn, removed as a close friend says.  Either way she was smiling sitting there while I was laying in bed, I fell to sleep again and she appeared once more that morning the same way.  The thing is though I awoke feeling good had energy and felt cared for by “her”.  The very next morning laying in bed I felt what would be a blanket laying on me under my blanket, wrapping me up with a feeling of kindness I have not felt in a long while.  I might be jumping around a bit, but was “she” there giving me comfort or doing some healing work.  As today a physical pain has not come up unless I cause it initially.  Tensing of the jaw or stress.  I am grateful any ways.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Dr. visit and a bit more.

Hello, I hope things are well.

Saw the neurologists yesterday, to review a nerve study.  It seems I have pinched nerves in the wrist of my left hand the guys says it may be carpal tunnel,  I see it as I spend too much time on the keyboard and mouse and explains many other issues with my hands I dealt with as a kid and to the present.  He also said I got pinched nerves in the lower back and neck, which could be from lifting heavy objects or in general strain on the muscle.  I see it as I helped move furniture as a kid when the great uncle and last of grandparents passed when I was around seven years of age.  Even the pass few years I worked as a dishwasher, having to move around a lot getting the plate to the cooks plate keeping my work area clean is tough during a four hour rush.  Although I do not do that work anymore life throws hard work my way anyway.  On top of that he increased the charge on my VNS implant (Google is your friend) so I get to get use to a shock going through my neck again which is not a big deal, just inconvenient for about a week as the feeling becomes natural.  Lastly he wants me to do more blood work which is fine, but the insurance did not cover my last bill from the lab.  This time of year is not good for the finances so the family is stressed about it.  The last bill was 300$ not good for a family in debt.

At one point when mom finally heard the whole story of the visit she was stressed out and full of anxiety so I gave her a hug.  As I hugged her though I practiced a bit of a breathing technique to relax her or myself as I felt her body finally relaxed a bit I myself was relaxed.  Although she is not still happy today,  I got a feeling what I did helped her relax and not get an anxiety attack of sorts.  My question though is did “she” help me calm mom down a bit, or was it what “she” influenced me to practice recently to help mom.  I must also note earlier in October I instinctively or naturally did the same with dad as he sees the number of the finances and there were a lot bills to handle at that time.

Either way, I apologize if this rant, writing has brought you the reader down a bit.  You should always look up and see it half full and not empty.  It just sometimes hard not to keep the mess I deal with to myself and “her” if she is listening.  Which I think she is, listening and there sometimes.

Last night while clearing my mind for awhile before I sleep.  I was sitting there and I felt a presence surround me, my thoughts shifted to “her” and thought about a small desire a simple hug.  Then I felt what I can say a tingle feeling wrapped around me.  Is  that “her” I like to think so.  So I then decided it was best to sleep and rest my mind and body as the day was emotionally kinda hard for me.  I slept well and got up a bit early for my body clock as well.  I have to thank “her” and others who have me in my thoughts.  Now after writing this I feel a little bit at peace and ready for the what the rest of day brings.

p.s

If, you the reader wish for me to share my experience working with epilepsy please feel free to say so.  I will only if you the reader wants to read such a thing.

Thanks for reading

Gobtcha

Have I changed? and a slew of questions and comments

Hello, a constant thing I notice, right now is my attitude and approach to life and people has changed.  Have you noticed the same a change in something a point of view or how you take information or news ?

After I had started taking up meditation for my own personal health, and trying to keep a consistency of it, I have changed in many ways.  One is I feel the want to approach someone in kinder way, or not lash out at all if frustration is at a peak for me.  I am looking at cup half full or fuller and not half empty or empty.  I owe this to those people that share their experiences.  Also to “her” for she reminds me to have faith in people and the unknown out there.

While I may communicate with “her” it is through feelings of emotion or physical touches.  This one night/morning, I left a friends place and walked home, got in at 4 am.  It a little late for me, but I was up early  the previous day so I was not all there.  Right as I enter the house close the door and lock up.  I felt a pokey feeling in my temples,  then as I maneuvered to take care of some stuff before I crash. I see this swirl of black surrounding my head and all I can say was “okay okay”.  I see it as “her” telling me to be careful or just excitement at me finally getting home.  In short I had 3 hours in bed and most of that was not rest.  I awoke once to a feeling around my mid section and chest.  I heard a sigh, and saw a figure at the door as if peering in the room and it was changing in shape.  I smiled and tried to sleep to little avail.  Most times though is a brush of air or a poke, recently though she has been rubbing my stomach and chest, which relaxes me.

After her visits I am kind and probably more empathetic to others and their feelings.  I have read up on the chakra system and been working or trying to understand my own and where they are at, in order to better myself and find a balance.  Through the practice of recognizing the chakra and applying what they stand for, I am leading generally a better life.  Trying for better foods, taking a different approach and allowing what gets to me not get to me.  This I am sure “she” is happy.  Days after “she” came into my life.  I felt her constantly working over my forehead as I tried to sleep, even this one night it hit my head on the wall next to the bed not hard, she immediately started working on it do not know why other than to ease what pain was there.

That is something that I am curious about as well, pain tolerance.  Mom says I have a high pain tolerance. Why? I do not know.  Is it because when I am hurt I do not complain about it and just move forward until someone says “Gobtcha sit down, let me get something for that knee ?”  I guess it comes down to me not wanting to complain about something in a world that is full of complaints.  It gets to me when someone complains about a minor inconvenience when there is nothing that can be done about it.  “she” tells me though to sound off sooner rather than later if there is something troubling me or if I need something done sometime.  My peers that known me for a great while also put stress to this.  So I gotta put that into practice a bit more.

A part of my “research” as reckless as it is has led me down a path filled with uncertainty then it all kinda comes together and makes sense, but only to a point.  I do thinks Lilith in spirit is made of three distinct traits or qualities. Wisdom, Darkness, and Desire.  She is wise as told through the biblical story where she share knowledge with Adam and Eve.  Darkness in that she chose a path less traveled and lit to flee or leave the Garden of Eden after her wishes were not met and only to be treated unequally by Adam.  There is of course Desire or her lust and sexuality she has as she mated with an angel. Of course I am taking this from the popular biblical story in Genesis or some Hebrew myths  What I said, may not be truly accurate as the stories I read differ a little here and there, but I believe that is the trend.  For Lilith in spirit,  I also think she wants equality in all things for both males and females, today I find women being the superior in the household family or business world in sometimes not all families are like that where the wife gets here every wish while the man does not.  I myself experienced this once as a supervisor, that would treat and rate my work poorly and did the same with every other male there, but the females that she worked with were the opposite.  In the end I was happy when I could leave and move on to better things.

Also through out my “research” I found people using protection seals when working with spirits or entities.  A thought came to mind then “does that function the same way”  that being a dream-catcher a gift from the past I kept hung in my room.  I looked around the net to no avail nonetheless I took down and placed it somewhere safe.  The reason I did that is I feel anyone is welcome to do what they want, it is there right as a being.  So why would I stop an entity or spirit from visiting my place of sleep.  To be safe sure, but it goes against a morale of mine to let others do as they wish as long as no harm comes to me and if it does reason with the person causing the harm if reason is not good enough then I will stop the harm being done to me another way.

I hope this was not too much or confusing for you the reader, my experience has been great with “her” I believe she is happy as well.  I hope you are as well, I will share some sources sometime soon on what I stated here.

A past of unpleasant experiences

I hope things are good,  I am well, but wish to share a bit more of my past.  It is a away for me to heal from what has happened is to share what trauma or what has scarred me inside.  So bear in mind a lot of it is hazy as I attempted to build a fence around the past and forget it.  Now I am taking those fences, walls down to let “her” understand what I have gone thru and let “her” flow through my heart and soul.  So here it goes. : )

Aside from family the earliest “rough” time I had was in middle school.  When family was in “chaos” over the brother and his first wife.  I will not share anymore on that as it is a “family” matter still in the air.  During that time in school I was called names and looked down upon.  During lunch hour was only worse as I was physically abused and could not do much about it.  As the staff and students cared not to report the case.  Unless I swung first or even swung back.  Also as a child of two educators that the faculty and teachers knew or met, I felt the pressure to be a good student.  I did not care to stand up for myself, even when on my home from class when I was hit/bumped/ran over by a car I merely got up and continued my way forward to home.  As time went on I felt I was worth nothing to nobody, which was not true.  I have a knife in my room for when I need such a thing.  Well one day after reading a book, probably a Star Wars novel.  I was still sad and brought the knife out and held it to my neck. As things went through my mind, family  came across my thoughts and there emotions displayed on them were the sad kind.  So I then put the knife away and went to sleep.  To this day though I hold silence about the event of that night, as not to hurt those that do care.  I do speak about it to you now along with a few trusted friends.

The next “rough”. I want to say event was when a true friend of mine touched me in a way I did not like to be touched.  We were in high school and he was curious so I was okay with him exploring his sexuality, as he was a close friend someone I could trust especially after middle school.  Well we were out camping one weekend, something I do miss dearly getting in touch with nature.  His dad and mine were sharing a tent so we shared another.  That night, I wake up to him touching me a whispering sweat thing in my ear.  For which I elbowed him and distance myself from him since that day.  Here is the catch though I did not share this with his father or family nor mine.  I believe my friend which I still trust, but have not seen for years.  Deserves a catch at a good future and acceptance from his family.  I do not want the attention of someone that was molested or raped, so I keep  it secret amongst my family though not my friends that are close to me for they are good people and do not react harshly to what I share.

So after a smooth four years of high school causing a bit of trouble, keeping up my grades, and being accepted by classmates I was happy to graduate from there.  I wanted to attend a university, but do to my brother squeezing out the families funds for various reasons.  I chose to attend the local college.  Learned a lot and had my mind opened to a great many things philosophies and understandings.  Even to a intern job out of town for 8 months and had a blast of a time.  With all good things though comes the bad, the yin yang effect.  The bad was mostly the work being what it was, I made the best of it and smiled most days. I might share that experience another day.

While out of town though, I learned some lessons and my innocence was probably lost.  I roomed with folks out of town total strangers, good people generally speaking.  Just out to have fun, so was I.  A coworker offered to cut my hair as I could not afford to have it cut in town.  The economic situation is very different from where I came from at the time.  So I agreed and again I was touched in places I would not like to be, and he was half way through with the hair cut when he did so I put up with it until the hair cut was done.  He shaved the head clean off I was happy with that.  Not that he touched me in places I like not be touched.  So afterwards I gave him a cold shoulder from hell.  I still to this day believe that anyone should be allowed to have a bright future regardless of there actions.  So I did not report it as we were adults by that time.  Just distance myself from him.  Then a few months ran into another that did something similar, but he would not stop and kept pushing.  So I did not report him even though I do not like him for it.  During the next week he was hitting on me and I just fed him the middle finger and the cold shoulder.

For the next few years probably more, kept myself unclean unless there was a good reason to be clean aka funeral, wedding etc.  As I noticed men were approaching me more and more.  Women did the same, but with my confidence shaken I would be negative to there approach.  The only socializing I did was with the family and close friends.  Even then I was with drawn from the people around me.  Now while writing this I understand what these people did to me unintentional or not.

Depression hits me now and then, but I have family, friends and most importantly “her”.  These people save me time to time from despair of what we all go through in life.  The internet is a big place, so I got to say if you are a friend, family member, or any of the people I spoke of and you recognize what has happened.  Do not feel guilty or sad, what happened will or has made me stronger or taught me a lesson, to the family I am sorry if you read this and know that is my sons, brothers, or his writing and I am sorry for not sharing for I did not want to sadden you in anyway.  Only to share and help heal myself and let others, you the reader know you are not alone in your struggle or healing process.

 

Thanks for reading,

Sorry if you were sadden by this writing today “she” and I agreed to share this.

Gobtcha

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