Down a diffrent path

Tag: hurt

Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Caged and free all in one.

Hello, I hope everyone is well.

Today I want to share what I feel when coping with epilepsy and having a seizure. As I did have an episode today,  I am fine as is the family no worries.

I want to try and place you the reader in the scenario of course it is your call to read it as such:

Caged in a trance watching someone look at you in horror, knowing if you make a move all control will be lost and you will hurt.  Trying hoping for it to pass every second feeling like a day pass by that person begins to ask a question “are you okay?” You slowly carefully shake your head, glad still terrified that you can do that.  Time still ticking, something building up in your mouth seeping out.  The person says your drooling and hands you napkin, you begin to take it and Snap!!! you are free again.  Still taking your time you clean the drool the meet that persons eyes and convince them at that moment it has passed by, still silent hoping the stigma does come with the episode.  It does she begins to jot the date down and you begin to state not to do this as it does only make it worse.  Another breathe and you are truly free for awhile more.  She then asks what happened, she knows well enough it is Mom.  You say that my diet is off and sleep  is off, all true.  Then you go back to the conversation as if nothing happened, just a bit tired.

I always reflect back though on it. See what happened and where I can improve to not let it happen again.

So with what I see right now, it is time to take a break from a few things and get back into somethings I enjoyed like EvE Online a great mmo game.  If you see me there feel free get into contact with me there.  My call sign in EvE is Gobtcha as well.  I will be active for a month only unless something good happens.

I do need to refocus on my health, I have neglect it so back on it as it were.  Drinking liquids that are good for the body, trying to lay off some of the bad stuff.  Distancing myself a bit from some stresses as well.  All in all  just refocusing my habits again.  Of course trying to listen to what “she” the spirit that has been with me for sometime has to say.  Found some things about her as well.  Wish I could share, but really should not right now.

That is all for now I am worn out gonna rest.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

A bit to share

Hello, things are well for me right now. I can breathe easy now nose is not running away from me with my voice anymore. : ) As soon as it cleared up “she” was happy because I had energy and probably needed to burn it off a bit.  What I had asked awhile back was what can I do to make you happy. She replied with something along the line of “treat yourself better and improve your health in general” so I have been slowly.  My body used to be somewhat fit, now I am just a thin man at 6’2″ underweight so its back to building some muscle watching what I eat and my habits.  The weight is coming up to about 150 ibs I like it to be 145 ibs myself ,but that means a lot more muscle then I can build right now.  So it has been walking around the neighborhood after dinner and starting some simple exercises.  The legs are pretty beat up so I do not want to run and hurt them more.  I should take up cycling again I loved it when I was younger. : )  With all that said, I hope things are good for you.  You the reader makes me want to share more and attempt to write my thoughts down.

The other night I had this dream and it comes back every now and then in my memory.  You see I do not write about my dreams as I wake up, time is short and it hurts to physically write with a pen, pencil.  The dream consisted of mom, dad and I in a house. It was raining outside for some reason, we had someone over a women seeing about my schooling credentials.  As it is my records are not well kept, in the dream it was worse.  I laugh now, but it may be true later on.  Either way I was digging for a transcript from the local college, she was patient and even helped, as did dad and mom. She was running short on time.  Then it gets foggy.  During the dream she was nice and very polite with me and the family.  Always being positive and happy.  There really is no end, because I awoke in the middle of the dream to the dog and dad getting up in the morning.

Either way I got about a month to study for a Microsoft Certificate that I am not ready for, Configuring Windows 8.  I have been digging around and found some resources so I will be busy for a good while with that.  That about all I have for now.  I just wanted to share a bit tonight.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

A past of unpleasant experiences

I hope things are good,  I am well, but wish to share a bit more of my past.  It is a away for me to heal from what has happened is to share what trauma or what has scarred me inside.  So bear in mind a lot of it is hazy as I attempted to build a fence around the past and forget it.  Now I am taking those fences, walls down to let “her” understand what I have gone thru and let “her” flow through my heart and soul.  So here it goes. : )

Aside from family the earliest “rough” time I had was in middle school.  When family was in “chaos” over the brother and his first wife.  I will not share anymore on that as it is a “family” matter still in the air.  During that time in school I was called names and looked down upon.  During lunch hour was only worse as I was physically abused and could not do much about it.  As the staff and students cared not to report the case.  Unless I swung first or even swung back.  Also as a child of two educators that the faculty and teachers knew or met, I felt the pressure to be a good student.  I did not care to stand up for myself, even when on my home from class when I was hit/bumped/ran over by a car I merely got up and continued my way forward to home.  As time went on I felt I was worth nothing to nobody, which was not true.  I have a knife in my room for when I need such a thing.  Well one day after reading a book, probably a Star Wars novel.  I was still sad and brought the knife out and held it to my neck. As things went through my mind, family  came across my thoughts and there emotions displayed on them were the sad kind.  So I then put the knife away and went to sleep.  To this day though I hold silence about the event of that night, as not to hurt those that do care.  I do speak about it to you now along with a few trusted friends.

The next “rough”. I want to say event was when a true friend of mine touched me in a way I did not like to be touched.  We were in high school and he was curious so I was okay with him exploring his sexuality, as he was a close friend someone I could trust especially after middle school.  Well we were out camping one weekend, something I do miss dearly getting in touch with nature.  His dad and mine were sharing a tent so we shared another.  That night, I wake up to him touching me a whispering sweat thing in my ear.  For which I elbowed him and distance myself from him since that day.  Here is the catch though I did not share this with his father or family nor mine.  I believe my friend which I still trust, but have not seen for years.  Deserves a catch at a good future and acceptance from his family.  I do not want the attention of someone that was molested or raped, so I keep  it secret amongst my family though not my friends that are close to me for they are good people and do not react harshly to what I share.

So after a smooth four years of high school causing a bit of trouble, keeping up my grades, and being accepted by classmates I was happy to graduate from there.  I wanted to attend a university, but do to my brother squeezing out the families funds for various reasons.  I chose to attend the local college.  Learned a lot and had my mind opened to a great many things philosophies and understandings.  Even to a intern job out of town for 8 months and had a blast of a time.  With all good things though comes the bad, the yin yang effect.  The bad was mostly the work being what it was, I made the best of it and smiled most days. I might share that experience another day.

While out of town though, I learned some lessons and my innocence was probably lost.  I roomed with folks out of town total strangers, good people generally speaking.  Just out to have fun, so was I.  A coworker offered to cut my hair as I could not afford to have it cut in town.  The economic situation is very different from where I came from at the time.  So I agreed and again I was touched in places I would not like to be, and he was half way through with the hair cut when he did so I put up with it until the hair cut was done.  He shaved the head clean off I was happy with that.  Not that he touched me in places I like not be touched.  So afterwards I gave him a cold shoulder from hell.  I still to this day believe that anyone should be allowed to have a bright future regardless of there actions.  So I did not report it as we were adults by that time.  Just distance myself from him.  Then a few months ran into another that did something similar, but he would not stop and kept pushing.  So I did not report him even though I do not like him for it.  During the next week he was hitting on me and I just fed him the middle finger and the cold shoulder.

For the next few years probably more, kept myself unclean unless there was a good reason to be clean aka funeral, wedding etc.  As I noticed men were approaching me more and more.  Women did the same, but with my confidence shaken I would be negative to there approach.  The only socializing I did was with the family and close friends.  Even then I was with drawn from the people around me.  Now while writing this I understand what these people did to me unintentional or not.

Depression hits me now and then, but I have family, friends and most importantly “her”.  These people save me time to time from despair of what we all go through in life.  The internet is a big place, so I got to say if you are a friend, family member, or any of the people I spoke of and you recognize what has happened.  Do not feel guilty or sad, what happened will or has made me stronger or taught me a lesson, to the family I am sorry if you read this and know that is my sons, brothers, or his writing and I am sorry for not sharing for I did not want to sadden you in anyway.  Only to share and help heal myself and let others, you the reader know you are not alone in your struggle or healing process.

 

Thanks for reading,

Sorry if you were sadden by this writing today “she” and I agreed to share this.

Gobtcha

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