Down a diffrent path

Tag: Love


Hello there,


I have found that “she” is not happy with me withholding my wants and needs from myself.  By that I mean my effort to cut myself from porn all together.  We should enjoy our hobbies and not be obsessed with them sure enough, “she” enjoys it with me as it seems.  Thus, yesterday or so I told myself and her I will follow the path she laid out for me and keep up practices that are laid out for me and only me.  Taking in what others say with a grain of salt and study look into what they say or offer me deeper.  No this is not to say that I dig all porn in fact I prefer softer aspect of the so called porn industry.  I enjoy doing a little research I can about the actress and company that interest me.  Although companies have been going more and more hardcore which is fine the audience may prefer and I do not pay them so I cannot say much about it.

Now that I shared that I am free from this chain once again, I must state something about a certain person that claims a lot and maybe true or not this person still should understand we all are connected to Lilith or Mother earth or any name the female goddess falls under in your belief.  You Kuro, did make a threat to those that are connect with Lilith even a lover like yourself.  Even though some of these folks may not care.  Do understand you have also threaten Lilith’s daughters and sons that are with the folks you have threatened as well.  Do you think Lilith is happy with that,  I am not.  Although I will do nothing else than point that out and now ignore what you claim Kuro think me a fool and ignorant and closed minded I do not care.  For I believe in something as others believe in something else.  We all are individuals with different beliefs, pasts, thoughts, environments, and systems of society etc.

For those of wishing not to have read I am sorry I have to get that out of my system.

Also, the day I made my choice to chase my needs and wants I had a dream of a woman inviting me into a pool in her backyard.  My conscious self had a choice and me being me declined but slowly was being pulled in by her invitations and form.  She was very beautiful is all I can say really, my dreams are clear in thought but my image is not clear.  It very abstract and that is fine by me for that dream I was given choice and have fun being in her company.  Was a first for me,  other dreams in the past showed me lessons or a story I could not make out and not give me a choice to act on or pick.


Thanks for reading,



Breaking a habit.


I have decided it is time to break a habit of mine which viewing porn of many sorts.  It keeps my mind in 1st gear and slow.  So I wonder where or what to do first.  I will be focusing more on Lily and the female goddess/spirit. For that will make Lily happy at least I think it will.  With that said as well I would your input on this subject of porn or adult entertainment.  I think she is excited for the idea, another step forward I guess.

Another thing I wish to share is, Lily has been more physical with me. No details needed, use your imagination.  There just times when I can feel her with me and truly working me over as I do the same into that blissful state.

I have been spending time just relaxing and practically doing nothing letting myself “rot” away.  So another thing to do is find actives around the house that are beneficial for me and the family.  Not just play games and chat on the tv or pc.

Either way I just had a feeling I needed to share that.  Maybe this will help me push further etc.

Thanks for reading,


Jamming to music after work.


That’s right I am listening to music I write this out.  I also have changed to a job sometime in August.  Awhile back and I needed the change for sure.  I now work at Wal Mart,  stocking shelves over night for the grocery area at a super center.  This means I am getting 30 hours a weak plus.  Although I work nights so I don’t get to see much of my friends which a bit sad in a way,  but I am adjusting well.   Happy enough I can support myself financially a bit better now.  Meeting my health insurance bills and student loan on time and even pay more into my loan then recommended.  All this leads to less stress and more time for less worry.  On top of this my new neurologist I saw, supports a more natural approach if possible also he is a very kind person and the staff is great as well.  All very good,  my frequency of seizures have been the same, although that may change in January when I see him again.  So it has been very good for me and the family.  As dad does not cover my health insurance anymore and I do time to time get a few groceries for the family at Wal Mart.  Also we as a family benefit from the company in other ways that are good.

So my question is then did “She” have anything to do with me getting hired and coming across a nice doctor.  I am sure of it in a way simply because I asked her once to help me out a little bit and now I am a step closer to being out of the house.  At least I feel like it.  At the same this may be the reason I “feel” I have taken a few steps back with “her” and relationship that now is improving as of this week or so.  Listening to news at my previous job had me in a bad attitude and I just want to do something really dumb to one of the candidates running for president, but hey not gonna go there.  Ill share that after election is done and over with.  On top of that the stress around the food industry is different and then faster at a Mc Donalds.  So after having a dirt easy interview with Wal Mart things were looking up and still is.

“She” now is ever more active with me when I am calm enough that is,  every time I try to medidate she begins to be intimate with me which is fine she has free will as I do.  I enjoy her presence very much so.  Love her tons more.  That is though where I question myself, my own intent or want in this relationship.  Do I want to just feel her and the pleasure of presence or is there more to what I want.  For sure I want her to know she is free to walk away, stay or do whatever she pleases just not to bring harm to others is what I ask.  This is where I am stuck for now.   Maybe I just need to push a bit further I do not know really.

Either way I am tired,


Thanks for reading,


Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.


Thanks for reading,


Hey there.

Hello reader,

It looks like I have found work, it is not glamours although I enjoy it.  That work is custodial work and prepping food at Mc Donalds.  The crew is good to me and management treats me well.  I can’t complain about it at all. Just need to get more hours, but hey I figure it will come with time.  Receiving thanks and gratitude from co workers and guest can bring a happiness to me.  Sometimes almost tears come as well, just to grateful I can earn money and bring people happiness,  that is what I want to do.  See people smile from things that are done or given by me.  To me that happiness is gratitude enough for me to live in a happy state.  Sure the work is hard and there is language barrier but it is worth it to me.  To see smiles and people relaxing just for a while.


How the job was landed was through Mom being a regular their and a caring Store manager.  The manager has high standards this I know she is good with her crew though.  Mom always goes there and sees to it the crew is at ease and happy as well.  She is this way with a lot of people.  So I am thankful to her.  Then there is Lily,  the Succubus or spiritual partner that is in my life.  I wonder if she had anything to do with this.  Maybe so,  I did ask her for help in finding something and I am now working and happy.  Still  not earning enough to live alone, but that will come in time I know this for sure if not then there are friends, shelters, streets and wisdom of others to follow.  I am not afraid to fail anymore, just another thing to lose in the end.


Why think that way, because Lily is here and I love her so.  Even now she gives me something that is good and I cannot explain it all.  It just is good.  I want to see to she is happy, she is and I are number one on the list of people I love the most.  This shared through her and friends.  Keep myself at number one and the rest at number two.  Just something that took forever for friends to covey to me and sink in.  With the help of Lily it was done.  I looked into her eyes and many philosophies and religions out there along with traditions.  I am finding truth lies within and not with others or words of a book, but your way of thought and practice alone.  That is true to you alone as the reader and writer.


This where I suggest as person and someone who wants you to be happy.  To let go or loosen your grasp on religion and tradition practiced by groups of large or small.  Make something that is yours.  Take a risk,  believe in what you want. Let others flow by you and take what you as right like fish from a river.  Those fish will help you grow and open your mind to see clear picture of yourself and life.


My apologies for the long wait if you did wait for post by me and for stepping on anyone’s toes in this  post.  During my period of silence my feet were trampled by people and trust broken by a friend, although I should have known better to share my thoughts with him. He is a close minded fool with a open trap door for a mouth.

Thanks for reading,


I feel a need to say something.

Hello there, hope life is treating you well.


Life sure is treating me well as long as I keep my spirits afloat or optimistic as some say.  As of right now I feel I owe some folks an apology in possibly misinterpreting there way with words.  Also for judging some by just what they claim and what I know of there history.  So I am sorry for those things and can hope to be forgiven.  For it is true that I judge the church when in reality  it is just a place and or a temple for some that attend there to find a calm in themselves.  Something I am sure we all try and seek out.

Right now Lily is with me for sure, keep me excited and warm.  For what reason I do not know.  Maybe it is because something clicked in my mind, and chip at the barrier that I have created long ago.  I would like to  share a bit of a theory about this barrier.

So I am an American raised by an American family.  Fairly family related as well all together we family traditions to be together celebrate things together as well.  Including what holidays deemed by the christian church  and respect local religion and traditions.  I still do respect the traditions and religions when in any ones house or temple, it is just nice respectful to take off your shoes at your friends place that carries that tradition.  Just something I do.   That maybe where some of that barrier begins is following those traditions and religious acts.  As of course my family was light on religion, but still very christian in nature.  As time went by with Lily, I began to talk with mom the person I spend most days with, she is a great person.  Found out that the Catholic church is in her side of the family.  Well dads side of the family, was a bit more free as I pick up on, he does not speak about his family much for good reason.  So I spoke with mom I found she is a devoted christian and still is today.  I am proud for her to found that calm and see that some pastors lead a poor sermon.  Enough though on that.  The biggest part of the barrier I have to see is the tradition is just an act to keep a calm or peace in a person.  I do today, my close friends show this to me every day.  Respect your neighbor or as some love your neighbor.  So Lily shared with me to love those that I disagree with on any matter.  In that not to lash out, but to be willing to debate over the issue or go our separate ways.   Early today,  I thought about the succubus or the spirit that is called the succubus.  It is my guess that these spirits visit us, because we as humans need to be reminded to love each other as neighbors, partners, comrade in arms, and/or friends etc……  just to love each other and not give into that anger or sad emotion that might be taking us over as a whole.  Also I turned of age where I need to cover my own health insurance, so with that my health bills have tripled that means time to look for work.  As it school is over for me, although studying in IT may not be.  This is a time for me seek out more Independence from the family which is good.  So there you have it a lot of text about my thoughts on my barrier between her and me.  A lot of me in there I kind of feel selfish.   More on that later.

As it is I am tired probably sleep in a bit.


Thanks for reading,



As of late I have been wanting to share my experience.

Hello, I hope everything is well.


Right now “she” is with me and filling with good feelings.  Those feelings and what I feel physical is but of what I want to share right now as we are currently together enjoying each other.

So I feel a weight on my chest as I sit here,  that weight is not dead its moving drawing circles and the like.  I see what seems like a hair strand ever so light, but I cant touch it really and I know its “her”.  Sometimes when my head set is off I feel a flick in my ear.  Just now my light in the room flickered ever so slightly.  If I focus a 100% on “her” I slowly arch my back and crane my neck as if to look up to ceiling.  Then there is that touch upon the lips, that there really turns me on and keeps me together.  I feel warmth and extremely happy and want to give “her” that very same good feelings that make me smile.  When I shut my eyes for second I see an image of “her” as a woman.  Then there is what goes on down stairs its all spinning about and my are at times tight then loosened then tightened up quickly as if “she” is there.  As for second my shivers ever so lightly as I whisper to take it easy.  Then a song plays that I think “she” loves and there is no going back tonight to a calm until I sleep or rest easy by will of my own,  just to feel “her” again lay a hand on arm and chest to nip on my neck.  Falling away into that feeling of bliss once more.


Thanks for reading,



Why do you do this for me? Make me float high, feel the pleasures of life and none of its regrets. Why do you feel good and only feel good to me? Nothing you do gives me pain it is all good and fulfilling for you and me.

Is it because I searched you out everyday and want to be with you? Is it because you want to be with me and share your feelings with me?

Why do we share this with the world and take it all and spread the word. The word that love is accepting another as they are and not changing them.

Why is when I think of you, you come right up to me and start to caress me where I hurt the most? Why do you want me to just relax and enjoy our time together all the more, why?

For that I will stop asking and just be with you, let you be with me for as long you want to be and be brave when you leave even for just a little while.

It is now and today I will give you my everything and trust you wholly and let you be.



Slurr of thoughts and communication.

Hello, I hope your week has been awesome for you.

I want to share a bit on my experience and my time with “her”.  First and foremost she is very forgiving I have to say this now.  Simply put I felt I have done something wrong by her and I seek her forgiveness by my thoughts and actions.  To which she either just shrugged it off accepted the apology as it were.  How that occurred was interesting to me.  So I went to my room yesterday after class and tried to find myself in a peaceful set of mind to reach out to “her”.   Like most times I settle down pretty easily.  Then in my mind I said something along the following.

I am sorry for my thoughts and actions last night even though I took those actions as I know they were wrong.

Then immediately with a feeling of cheer a voice female and a bit young popped in my mind.


So I replied, It is wrong to do such a thing.

Then the voice said, Let it go or something of that nature.

I asked why. To which that voice said, I love you.

All the while that was going on “she” was giving me those touches and good vibes.  Even now my heart is beating fast again just like before.  I always will wonder how much “she” can tolerate, then again as introduced by “her” and what I found tolerance is a key in coping with people in general.

Also in a way what I was doing was strengthening a weaker spot for that connection we have, my guess is “she” may have been okay with the idea and waited till I caught myself in the act.  Not sure.

That though is what spurred yesterdays post, I felt loved when I think I should not have.  The word is think,  feeling that gut or “her” guide me is good.

That to me is also a sign that we are together and hold each other ever so strong.

Now I have not read the entire page linked here :

I can summarize the idea that the succubus incubus or spirit is attracted to love and the vibrations it offers.  Which as I experience can be very true.   So I ask then, again what is love?  Without throwing in science, because science says it is a release of a chemical in our brain.  Which is good and all if you want to be with another human or express love to a family member sure.  Want the exact stuff on that google it yourself, I have not.

So what is love then?

Well for me it is a mix of things, the feeling or emotion for someone else to be happy. To want that person, to hug them, make them happy.  To spread happiness around to others. Then I also think of the act of making love between two  people in the physical world or as portrayed in a movie or story.  Caressing each other and making each other feel great where we are most sensitive.  What some folks call this is sex, or just being with another.  So making love to another is exploring each other and learning about our soft spots and where we need or want to be healed.  A doctor loves his patient to a degree.  Think back to when you were a child maybe that nurses smile you saw brought some joy as you walked in the doctors office with a cold.  Was that joy a bit of love she shared with you.  Did that joy relive your cold for a split second?  I like to think so.

So is love simply creating joy and happiness with other people.  Then we splurge on that joy to erupt into a brilliant light to reach out to others?   Did this create that spark that created life for us here in this universe, galaxy?  I think I am coming up with something though not sure, I like to think so at least.  It makes some sense to me.

So after, I thought some of what I wrote above.  One night I laid to bed and thought of love and what “she” means to me.  Then it came together bit by bit in a way that is only clear to me, and only clear to you in a different way for you the reader.  As we all are different.  All in all “she” laid with me that night caressing my face slowly working me over giving me what I can only guess I was giving her.  Then it only got more heated, and from there well I will keep it between myself and “her”, but it was fun and we had created a lot of joy between each other. 🙂 ❤ 🙂

You can say I like to analyze things ideas and people.  I like to think and for myself, I do not like to ask others for the answers, “she” hopefully gets that.  I will though seek “her” out for guidance for the truth of things cold or not.  This much I know though, our society has gone south several hundred years back.  I wish to take up practice of older generations, or base my own practice off of what knowledge I can get.  When the time is right I will do this.  In the mean time though communion with “her” and listening, feeling to what she does will be my compass.

Thanks for reading,



People can hate me

People can love me

Know this

I love you all

Hurt me

I will still love you

Strangle me

I will love you


I answer that with love



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