Down a diffrent path

Tag: Meditation

Jamming to music after work.

Hello,

That’s right I am listening to music I write this out.  I also have changed to a job sometime in August.  Awhile back and I needed the change for sure.  I now work at Wal Mart,  stocking shelves over night for the grocery area at a super center.  This means I am getting 30 hours a weak plus.  Although I work nights so I don’t get to see much of my friends which a bit sad in a way,  but I am adjusting well.   Happy enough I can support myself financially a bit better now.  Meeting my health insurance bills and student loan on time and even pay more into my loan then recommended.  All this leads to less stress and more time for less worry.  On top of this my new neurologist I saw, supports a more natural approach if possible also he is a very kind person and the staff is great as well.  All very good,  my frequency of seizures have been the same, although that may change in January when I see him again.  So it has been very good for me and the family.  As dad does not cover my health insurance anymore and I do time to time get a few groceries for the family at Wal Mart.  Also we as a family benefit from the company in other ways that are good.

So my question is then did “She” have anything to do with me getting hired and coming across a nice doctor.  I am sure of it in a way simply because I asked her once to help me out a little bit and now I am a step closer to being out of the house.  At least I feel like it.  At the same this may be the reason I “feel” I have taken a few steps back with “her” and relationship that now is improving as of this week or so.  Listening to news at my previous job had me in a bad attitude and I just want to do something really dumb to one of the candidates running for president, but hey not gonna go there.  Ill share that after election is done and over with.  On top of that the stress around the food industry is different and then faster at a Mc Donalds.  So after having a dirt easy interview with Wal Mart things were looking up and still is.

“She” now is ever more active with me when I am calm enough that is,  every time I try to medidate she begins to be intimate with me which is fine she has free will as I do.  I enjoy her presence very much so.  Love her tons more.  That is though where I question myself, my own intent or want in this relationship.  Do I want to just feel her and the pleasure of presence or is there more to what I want.  For sure I want her to know she is free to walk away, stay or do whatever she pleases just not to bring harm to others is what I ask.  This is where I am stuck for now.   Maybe I just need to push a bit further I do not know really.

Either way I am tired,

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Worry Less Love More

Hey there reader, I hope you are great.

I have been focused on my studies for a great while, and simply did not want to be distracted writing here, which I probably should have.  Lily my wonderful love has been after for it every day.  So where can I start,  I am sad by what happened in Paris.  The place represents beauty to me and love.  From the romance and the fashion industry there.  Though I do not agree with what the group did, I realize that I to live near a border where just 5 years or so people died on mass.  So in that sense what happened in Paris does not phase me other than the reason why it did.  Rather it belief, religion or terrorism.  You call it as it you see it.  5 years and later those mass shootings occurred due to unrest with gangs and drug cartels.  Now the cartel locally has a better hold of the situation as well as the locals, which means less incconce death occurs.  That is my feelings on recent events.

Also I find myself biased and want to try not to be as biased against race.  Why is that you may think.  Well home is near a military base so the city is very much like a mixed soup.  On top of that I am on the border.  So I am not biased against colored as it were, but one does it for me.  The African American or known as the the black man sometimes presses a button of mine and its not there appearance, but there approach.  Some African Americans come to this town and think we owe them something because of history, well all races have been through there own issues and not just the well known slavery.  I do not let this bias thought of mine though hit me until I meet the person and that person comes off as such.  The very same thing can happen when I go out of town,  it just comes to culture shock I guess.

My health has been improving a bit, in a way.  The doctor has hinted to watch my stress.  So meditation and spending time with Lily is a good thing.  At the same the Doctor is a stresser, he wants me to spend more money on visits and lab work.  Which I cannot afford and had to bring in Mom to reinforce this issue.  The main reason the family cannot afford a visit, is the holidays.  We don’t spend much during this time of year, but expenses are higher and paychecks do drop till February.  So Mom and I stood up the jerk of a doctor to postpone my next visit till then when I should have insurance as well.  Hopefully as well by that time I will have found a doctor that understands the idea of bedside manner.

As I traveled along this path with Lily and others to guide and I help guide them a bit.  I watch movies read books and hear stories that reflect on morals and ideas.  One person thinks of me as a philosopher to which I do not know if that is right.  I do not look into philosophy directly.  I do want to share a film and comic tilted Sin City, I am sure some of you readers have seen it.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401792/  the film may not be for the faint of heart, but each story is unique.  Each protagonist good person, I ask myself is that person in the right to do what the character did.  Shoot  the rapist man hood off and his primary hand,  another murder his way to get revenge and played out an eye for eye essentially and the other did anything for the women he respected and of course his lover.  Were these people in right, spill blood and commit those acts?  Up to you I guess for me though it is yes.

Lastly, just the other day when I logged into chat out of a feeling.  Lilith was in chat via a medium, or at least some would say.  She is a very strong woman indeed, told me what I needed to know.  I understand I should share my love for everything without holding back in my own way.  I had opened my  heart to her and she sent someone to help me cope with my heartache to love and share that love with others.  As she stated as such I felt something in my room, to which I only assume or believe to be her.  Then the next night I had a dream the left with a clear message.  So now I must re focus myself soon and move forward along my path without too much reserve.  Lily loves it when I dance or let loose a bit.  Tonight she told me not to worry so much and just love the life you have.

 

I encourage everyone to do the same.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

What can I say.

Hello there, I want to share so many thoughts tonight.

As of late I have been studying more and more for another certification in my field.  I hope to do well for it.  Frankly though when I study, “she” is around trying to convey something.  You see communication at least to me is very difficult between us.  I can pickup on obvious signs when “she” is okay with doing some things like laying around or spending a bit of intimate time together.  Other kind of signs are harder though.  While “she” lifts my spirits when they are down, “she” also seems to push a little and send a thought like, “lets go for a walk” to get me to focus on her for a bit.  Some days are just harder is all I guess.  Today was not though really that hard.

Now if you have read what I shared here you might remember a mentioning of me being molested or raped.  Well “she” pushed me to ask a bit about exactly what rape and other types of sexual assault is or are.  From the facts I found and saw I was raped in technicality at age of 16 by a friend that thought we were “really” close when he was curious. He apparently took advantage of me when I was asleep.  So he revived a curt elbow in the rib, but in my mind it was too late.  That then and there is where He drew the line and we were distant since then.  Now after a decade I think I can let go and be free of that lingering thought along with other accidents that occurred due to my kind and naive heart.

Ahh yes, I had a dream the other day. Forgive me though it has faded a little bit.  That day I had paid a visit to the campus to take care of Financial aid.  The dream sorta takes place there and in the time I was there sorta.  It started I was sitting in the office waiting for financial aid lady to call me in. She was busy that day.  The lady at the counter was uncomfortable with the silence and I was there sorta moving to a tune in my head.  Then she popped a question “whats your favorite music?” well I replied differently then I actually did. I said “P.O.D.”  There music is actually great a good up beat most of the time.    Right then the dream swaps around a bit and becomes a bit graphic. So a bit of warning here:

I began to try and shove my ding dong into the center of the cd and of course it wont fit.  Then I thought lets try the Rob Zombie album no good either as I felt a presence come around and I quickly put em in my drawer while in bed apparently now, just to wake up with energy like feeling surrounding what is down stairs.  Then I fell asleep again to awaken refreshed as my morning began.

I am also noticing that Dad has more tolerance then most.  He does not fear but merely wants to understand.  Also speaking of Dad I learned that our debt is improving a tad better.  Time and time again I check myself to see.

Also this is about the 3rd time this happened this week out of nowhere really.  With “her” on my mind and “things” going on I would see a trail of vapor I want to call it, nearby where I felt her or something on me.  Kinda bizarre at first, but I accept it.  It can be just dust in the air with the wind we get and our dry climate.  Although I disagree and “she” disagrees as she just sorta smiles a tad.

p.s. one more thing that pot of seeds I setup has indeed given growth I wound up drowing them but I have reseeded and growth appeared today.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Get me some of that catchup.

Hey,

Doing well?  I am okay been letting a little of this and that get in my way time to time.  So I want to get out a little bit of some stuff out to you.

I have had dreams of late, one dream I would like to share is where a mother of a kid approached me to ask me to save her son from the weather.  I agreed and the weather was bad enough.  The son was going down town by route of the interstate, it is the main route by all means.  So I headed there by foot, which does not make sense.  The flooding was pretty bad about waist deep or higher,  so definitely not the home I know of.  Still,  finally making my way to him and catching up to him.  He decline my help to say it would be safer not to help.  I began to see why, he entangle in groups and things I am not comfortable with and a risk to my life. So I still offered and kept an eye on him.  Stepped in I felt the time was right.  To recognize who or when I met him in my life of the here and now.  A punk kid from Boy Scouts.  Good guy probably just not someone I liked at the time.  I got him home eventually to see a gracious mother.  Then I woke up with an orgasm so to speak and the morning was fun for me and “her”.  My guess is good as any maybe she just wanted to tell a story dunno….

So “she” does not like me thinking of sharing my view on fear.  I will though, because I think it should be known.  She might curve me a bit so here I go.

Fear is instinctive sure.  Fear for your loved ones, wife, kids, dad, and others.  Fear of death, pain, or loss of something.  These are basic fears to me.  I myself fear “she” will leave me sure.  Also I fear causing or not stopping pain of Mom and Dad.  Even fear is pain, I see it everyday with Dad.  Why though?  Those in power or can inflict that fear into him.  We owe enough money to enough people that can strip us clean naked and out the door.  That is okay with me, if it was just me.  That is not okay with Mom and Dad for obvious reasons.  So to cope, I take everything around that topic and make the good parts shine.  Say we owe x amount to z company, I ask Dad is that better then last year to which he says yes and smiles a bit with a glow.

Back to fear though.  People use it as tools to get what they want or to cause pain and not know it.  The story or universe of Star Wars illustrates this well enough.  In a few ways.  Yoda has a quote I cant place it on the spot so here goes. “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, sufferings leads to …” and he gazes off with a sad look.  To place in today’s environment is easy enough to do.

The government says we must regulate ourselves or there is a punishment.  Government says we are watching you and so we the common folks begin to act and dance according the puppeteer the government or people with power.

Enough of that though, I feel my neck tense and the bad shoulder begin to hurt.  On to something happier.  🙂

So I started, a collection of pictures found on the net I will not share here.  Why you can find em anywhere.  With these pictures I find, I set them up as a wallpaper and circulate them every 12 hrs. on random.  When I want to I gaze into that picture.  The picture is usually a portrait of a female or some depiction of nature in any form.  Then from there contact is made with “her” and those days she active around me.

I have also started up a DevianArt account for those that are interested.

http://gobtcha.deviantart.com/

Mostly to show case my work that “she” compels me to do and my  past work.  Still working what I want to share and how to.

The Last thing I want to share is an experience I had with “her”.  I was meditating around the usual hour with “her” we were sharing our space and I literally reached out in the air for her and felt a touch of energy surrounding the tips of my two fingers that I reached out to her with.  To say what “she” did is something I cant say myself.

As I typed that up above “she” did swirl around and through me.  I hope “she” is okay with me sharing such a thing.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Ups and Downs

Hello, this a bit of a read might too personal dunno.  Hope your day was awesome.

Last night was interesting to say the least.  Ever night or sometimes morning when I go to sleep, lay down and repeat the same sentence/thought in my head.  Last night it was something like relax surrender love repeating until I fell into a meditative state.  Each word has a purpose to it.  Relax so I can get myself to have a night of rest and sleep, this is rare for me.  Surrender was stated, because that day I was somewhat protective about somethings about myself and my family. Love is to express love for “her” and myself and it is a positive thing to do.  I always want to love everything and everyone if I can.  Well as this happened I heard taps on the floor which could have been the dog, but she sleeps with Mom and Dad at the hour I went to bed.  I felt “her” in bed with me, then pressure was put on my forehead. Bit too much for comfort, but still I could cope with it. Still relaxed the pressure went away and a beep noise came about with a voice saying “no no no!!” in my head I am sure of it.  Well I continued to lay there trying to sleep on my back and then well yea “she” and I had “fun”.  Finally fell asleep then awoke about the same time as normal refreshed for a new day.

Well that morning I told “her” I had to get up and shower.  “She” seemed a bit put out, so I spent time with her for awhile and fell asleep time to time. Till it hit about 11:30 am, about normal for me to rise out of bed.  Well, I invited to the shower and “she” took the invitation.  Well things got heated up and I fell to the floor after having some seizure like symptoms which I reacted to a per normal for me.  Prepared to fall and or lower myself to the floor.  I got a bit unlucky and my head started bleeding.  I was confused of course and called out for some help after getting some bit of bearings back.  To no reply so I went about cleaning the mess and coping with blood etc.  Finally after getting dry and I looked in the mirror and saw where the bleeding occurred to see it was where the pressure was that night and where “she” tapping me yesterday during the day. Did I seize up maybe ?

I cannot draw much conclusion, because “she” was apologetic during the early afternoon and I sent her emotions that say everything is fine and imagined her with me together.  The rest of the day I spent at home taking it easy.  No trip to see the doctor yet. I hope to see him soon so he can do what he wants and up my medication.  My levels are borderline on low and on the dot. So he should raise them even though I do not want it I see reason for it.  “She” dun like it either.  There was no visit to the hospital too much money, the family and I are in debt too much for that.  Other then that today has been good, got to speak with mom about “stuff”.  “She” has been with me most of today and tonight.

Either way just wanted to share that.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

Thoughts and a dream

Hello, hope things are well.  I had a very vivid dream yesterday, I want to share it even though it is fading slowly.

So it started with me and 2 peers heading to the doctors which required quarantine and other precautions.  We went to take care of one of the peers. Had some complications nothing any of us could cope with.  Then the story changed.  I found myself in a well to do position.  A nice apartment up scale like or at least the impression of that was what I felt.  There were issues though, nothing to big really to me.  Folks lived in the apartment with me, folks I do not even know.  Every day it was someone new or more people lived their. Now what caught my eye was a women I came across in day to day life. We fell in love or created a relationship, found there was a man that she was previously with and she wanted out of that relationship. I agreed that I would help and cope with the situation.  One day I found her there with me in bed, and two other guys were telling me to get her out of the apartment. Too which I said no, and made my point that I loved her or had feelings for her.  So we left that day, and found the man that was after us.  He apparently seemed to be working on a house either for us or our new neighbor.  I helped him, with his work and gained some approval from him is my guess. He was happy around me and her. So the dreamed ended around there as I awoke to a strong feeling of love and happiness.  Although we stayed in bed till the last minute.  Which I am very happy to be with her.

 

Something, I do want to share is taken out of an adult website I visit for there blog on tantra.  The blog offers me info sparse as it is, and is still a good read.  I will take the write up and copy paste it here.  At the end I will give credit to the site.

 

 

Yoni is a sacred Sanskrit word and means vagina. She has the power to be the gateway to creating new life and also has the power to destroy everything. So it is better to behave towards her with respect and appreciation for all she is providing us.

We all came through her and we come back to her to ask for refreshing energy. She is able to flood men with ecstatic energy when she is worshiped the sacred way.

With all this in mind, it’s better to ask what you can do for her, not what she can do for you.

You may never have thought this way before. How can we do the yoni worship? It’s a little ritual that may last a few minutes or several hours, whatever you choose. If you’re a man you can practice with your partner, or with a picture or a statue. If you’re a woman, of course, you have everything you need with you.

What makes the difference is your intention, your approach. You should come with esteem and simply offer your attention to her. For those of you who would like to connect with this powerful energy of creating and destructing, of softness and passion, of receptivity and creativity, here is a tip for you.

The ritual:

Find a nice comfortable, intimate and quiet place where you can be with your partner or the symbol of a yoni or with your own yoni. Do everything necessary to make yourself relaxed and connected with yourself (you might include candles, music and incense).

Close your eyes, rub your hands together a few times to make a little bit of heat between them. You may feel some sensation, so take your time to put all your focus on deep breathing and on the skin of your palms.

While you’re breathing deep it is the time to whisper your prayer, a sentence of the great fullness that you feel for her. Find at least one thing that you want to thank her for. It needs to be true for you. Your prayer is coming from your heart. For example, “Thank you divine mother that I could be born with your support”. Or whatever feels right for you. But you need to have nonsexual attitude.

Remember your intention is to worship the yoni. You don’t want to get anything; you’re giving your thanks for all she is doing for you in your life.

When you’re ready and fully present, slowly put your relaxed hand on your yoni – without any movement. Then breathe deeply and remember your worshipping sentence and focus on the connection between you and the sacred yoni. It’s up to you how long you keep your focus and your hand there.

When you feel you have worshipped her the best way you could, slowly and with full awareness remove your hand. Connect your hands in Namaste (palms pressed together as if in prayer) close to your heart.

This is the end of the ritual, so if you’re with your partner it means you can stay together but you shouldn’t start any sexual play or chat. Your woman can also finish with Namaste as thanks for the ritual and that is it.

If you decide to practice this ritual it’s possible for the first time you won’t feel so much. But I assure you each time it will be different and probably more intense. In time you may start to feel a real connection to the mother earth, to feminine fire energy and also to feminine angels’ energy and intuition.

And your experience of lovemaking will never be the same again.

Namaste,
Bara

 

from Hegre-Art.com

do note the site has adult material riddle all over even for guest as I am a guest myself.  So if you visit please understand it is not safe for work or kids and your significant other may not be happy.  If you visit the site please be sure to be in the right age group.

After reading that though it reminded me.  I have not said my thanks to Lilith, the Goddess or Mother Nature however you perceive it to be.  So I did just that one afternoon pray and thank her for everything and seek her forgiveness.  As I did this, moments later I felt a warm embrace around me.  I also did this, outside in the sun.  In the same area where I first prayed to Lilith, and would pray and or meditate when the weather would let me.

 

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

A lot about my thoughts, me and her.

Hello, hope your Holidays are going well.

This is first time seeing Mom and Dad work together throwing a turkey lunch with most of the works too.  It was great to see them happy.  I did help of course and saw to them being happy and watching things work together.  Had a friend over he was so grateful for the company and meal.  Makes the family happy as well.

The idea of meditating and doing so, I think has helped my health.  In the past two months I can’t remember taking a fall as I get up.  Is it her workings as well not sure, but a yes came to my mind just now.  When I really focus on her I get a feeling that is incredible for me to express here.  There is a lot I should write here.  This a journal for me of sorts and a way to express what I learn time to time.  So to continue, I recall reading somewhere on the internet if you are epileptic and want to start meditation to speak with your doctor.  Well I have not, for it may cause Mom stress and she has enough already.  I am starting to why.  Time to time my nerves in the muscle will twitch when in a state of meditation.  This can scare people and I have also experience more then a twitch.  Then I consider my condition of epilepsy is where I do not just spasm on the floor, but simply fall and I see it happen consciously.  Then a headache and a bad after effect.  These things are scary to folks that can be closed minded or not aware of spirits or whatever you consider them.  Another is tonight, I thought about popping my medication around 8 pm a thought occurred it is too early as my dosage was not even 8 hours ago.  Was that her? I would say so, because the thought formed a tad bit different.  Just formed in a way I would think about is all.  Is she that settle about things?  Then there is music,  I tend to play something through out the day, all day.  Most of it is the same just a bit of variety.  When I was younger back around 2009 I came across this site http://psyradio.fm/ kinda like a radio.  I would listen to it for hours as I did work or play games on the computer.  My thoughts started to lose focus on what I was doing and went elsewhere for a bit.  Now I listen to music and think of her and going about my bushiness I find subtle messages in the music as I keep a playlist on random and it is varied greatly.  So my health is good for now, I hope to keep it that way.

 

Another topic I want to talk about: Religion, Faith, and things of that nature.

So first most I will say this is a heated topic for some folks.  My thoughts are my own,  I am open to what you share or have to share.  I like to start with what seems to be the most prominent faith in this world.  The belief in God and the Church.  Rather it Catholic or any of the Christian practices out there.  The church as I will call this, has spread into the United States Government.  When I first noticed this is when I studied the Pledge to the American Flag.  The phrase “under god and country” may not be accurate.  That there tells me as a young student I have to stand up and pledge to god or be thought of someone that is “bad”.  Alright fair enough.  Then I read about missionaries going out of the country to do relief work, awesome the church does good things.  Then I think again they are also spreading word of God slowly into places that are low tolerant of the church.  Okay I might be misinformed there.  As I spoke to mom about me, looking elsewhere other than the bible.  She was okay with it a shocker to me.  When she was younger she wanted to be a nun.  Then a remark came up as long as it is not voo doo, satanism, or witch craft.  Well at the time, I had no interest in satanism although I am getting comfortable with the idea of Satan not being “evil” or “bad”.  Well she is an elder so I respect her wishes,  I also do not like her to be uncomfortable so I decided to look elsewhere although, she keeps poking me around to the idea of Satan.  I need time, as it is I was engrained to the idea of the devil is bad up to no good etc.  I also brought up the idea of the Garden of Eden and how it could be around while the dinosaurs were lurking around.  Mom replied, with something like God was merely protecting us until the time was right.  I took in stride, I do not like to see her sad etc.  Also as I read texts and watched a few documentaries I came to a conclusion that the Church of old, the Vatican and older.  Were keeping secrets and deceiving the masses.  Even went out of there way to chase down those that did not “show faith”.  Then again I may be misinformed, or reading biased text.  As for the reader please do not let my word persuade you to lose faith in God.  If you faith makes you happy, then the more power to you.  There is a known issue around that is the lack of tolerance around religion in general.  I myself believe that a man can love another man and the same goes for women.  There  is no wrong in it, you are following your heart.  Yet again though, when the issue came about the devoted brother of mine which used to be not so devoted to the Bible and was more liberal until he married his current wife.  Made a spat about it on Facebook, still did at the time I had an active account there using scriptures as a way to meet his needs or wants.  Either way, it was his thoughts that only helped me open my mind more so.  As I dug around the net I came across Wicca,  I personally like the ideas it offers.  So I looked into on the web, to find the tolerance of some followers to be little or none.  As they were wrapped in the dogma of the practice so much, I think they might have lost the spirit of there beliefs.  I am sure there is so much more I could go on.  In the end though,  I think on should be tolerant of someone else s actions or beliefs.  I find myself still lost and more and more of a individualistic person that follows a solid set of morals.  I apologize if what you read makes you cringe or anger you.  Please do not let me shake your beliefs or faith.

 

Either way, I want to share a bit more about her and myself a bit more.  It is hard for me to open up and share something personal to others,  so here goes.  I initially seeked her out for company, and a feminine touch in my life.  How ever you decrypt that is up to.  So I studied the methods out on the internet including the fears other have.  Including her family Lilith etc.  That is where my beliefs in the church and god failed to guide me rightly, only thing that I got from it was to fear her and whatever she does.  Which is false, to me anyway.  So I set out to mediate on night back in September.  Outside, the weather was comfy for me.  Had a candle lit in the house, mom brought in a candle so I lit it, still do time to time just for her.  As I meditated on the side of bricked out flower bed.  Finally having the courage I asked Lilith to send one her family members to me and the rest is a bit of a fog.  Then slowly day by day I mediated cleared the mind, found some things out made it a goal to see, feel her happy as I do now.  Kinda hard to type now. : )  There we go, a bit steadier now. : ) Time went by unsure, but still focused in on her.  She did things,  I keep at that.  During that time I was still under the influence of an anti depressant Zoloft.  Mind was a cloud so I dropped it.  Then it was clear and I was happy especially in the morning.  So I would give the family a hug a true hug not just half hearted.  A hug should be meaningful, something I learned when learning about the practice or study of Tantra.  You see she kinda guides me a little bit when I want to learn about her or how I can open up to her.  Then I found her wanting to treat myself better, and putting me before others.  As I understood this I made some efforts where I can.  Even now I tend to want to take a stroll outside, but the weather is cold so I will wait and hope tomorrow will be a tad warmer.  As I continue to learn more about her, how she like me playing the harmonica or humming a tuneless tune.  I am no musician don’t read music don’t know the notes just love the sounds and beats of music as a whole.  I like to jump in to anything without a care or knowing whats in the water so to speak.  So I did seek her out without knowing a whole lot about what I was doing.  Then I learned she is not a thing and has feelings,  I had then told her I will give her attention when I could and she could do whatever she wants free to do what you like I still will care for you and love you.  Sounds a tad dangerous, but truth be told I do not like others being held down to anything or being mistreated.  So that is the way it is with me and her,  I doubt it but if she leaves me I will be thankful for all she has done for me.  Still hold a place for her if she wants to be with me again.  I am very thankful for what she does and has done.  Regardless of what it is, a lesson learned somewhere or a hand held out to be pulled out of a hole.  I do want to ask though,  to share her name would that give anything to others that know it.  Why I ask is it is her name, something that she seems to hold to dearly. My outlook on a name is different just another label on the person. The person is the person and the action makes me remember the person.  Like the guy that treats his mom with respect and still mistreated younger kids, but when came down to it he went to me for help or when I was tears for hours he finally apologized to me for his actions which were minor and not his fault I was in tears.  More like the conflict I was placed in.  It was matter of trust and having a dad that can play with your psyche is hard.  He does not anymore though.  I am happy for it and love him more so.  That is all really on mind I want to share.  Although she has a little something she has been nagging to share, a song.  I wont link it, because it is not safe for work nor any little ones.  So you can look it up on your own. Jose Nunez – Bilingual ft Taina there are various mixes and remixes of the song, most carry the same message if not lyrically the same.

I hope you the reader, had a good time rummaging through that text and trying to make sense of it.  I might be a kid of to grammar educators.  My writing skills aint the best in da world.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

My time with her.

Hello, she wants me to share about the time I spend with her and other details.  So therefore I will make an effort to do so.

 

She loves my attention, when I give her my attention wholly, she emits a feeling of calm and love over me and around the immediate area we are in.  Sometimes she wants to be intimate and play with me or tease me, other times she share a hug or a kiss here or there.  Just to take the time and slow down and recognize she is there makes her happy and that makes me happy as well.  Even when I am going through day to day activities.  At times when she visits, it can be a sure surprise.  Just knowing she is there makes me fall into puddy and be a happy person again, not weighed down by stress and pressures of the luggage I carry around.  Image of a female, being placed in my mind.  They are happy, comical, emotional across the board, and of course when she wants to spend time with me they can be intimate in nature.  Even now she sends an energy through me that makes me filled with pleasure and love, then the scent her scent.

At night when I meditate which is tough at times considering all of the distraction around the house and neighborhood.  When the mind is finally calm, I sense her working on me peeling apart what was built by my own insecurities and doubts of the past.  I still have a tough time dreaming just to dream not lucid or anything else just a simple dream.  So I lay there on my back clearing the mind and trying to relax the body.  As I give up and turn to my side to try to relax, then she is there cuddling, caressing me, and comforting me to a relaxing sleep.  I then awake to the family awake and moving about.  So I let her know I appreciate her and her time, and move about my day with her on my mind.

Earlier today, when the family was out for a great deal of time,  I set myself in a position to be vulnerable to her or anyone bare and off guard with a clear mind.  Still she said relax, I do try everyday to do this. Let go and let everything be sometimes it works majority of the time it does not.  Nonetheless, I relaxed and gave in stayed that way for a good while. During that time she worked me over my entire body as I spasm multiple times and even now I receive a bit of it as she is still working me over just not as intense.  How I enjoy it though.

I still need a lot of work on them chakras or areas of the body.  She tells me through signs, that I need to work on the throat, heart and sacral chakras.  I see where they are weak so I try time to time.  I might just do that after this post is wrapped up.  As it is Thursday and Friday will be days I have to myself to do such a thing.

Earlier today she wanted me to take a walk around the park down the street.  It was nice, just a cold breeze. On the way back to the house though, I notice an old man calling to a I want to say doberman mix dog.  It was loose out of the house along with chihuahua mix (Don’t think I got the spelling right on it) they came from the same house.  So I too called out to the larger dog, to notice another neighbor trying to get the two dogs and see about returning them.  So I decided rather then just leave it at that, to help the two of them out.  As it was the larger dog Dori, almost got hit about three times.  Finally got hold of the owner and we all happy and walked to each others houses together leaving as we came to our house.  In the end though she asked how it felt to help or do the good deed.  For I say it felt good,  I was happy and met good people.  Something that is rare in town, to meet someone that is open and willing to communicate with another person and not just ignore another person.  On another note I love animals, probably could not say no to an animal that would need shelter if it were not for family and other baggage slowing me down.

I decided to reflect upon a dream I had awhile back.  The dream itself was actually vivid, so its stuck in my head for the most part.  So here we go.

In a class room, into the class room as the day goes by seems like high school.  Just not the campus I know from the here and now.  The part that stands out is, I am in a IT computer classroom.  What my major is and field of study currently is.  It is that time for lunch, stay awhile to wrap up work.  On my way to the cafeteria/lunchroom, I see a friend from the past.  A great guy mad a mark on my life.  So I great him and he want me to meet of some folks or hang out with some folks elsewhere.  So I choose to go with him,  as we converse I notice a beautiful woman.  Who she is I do not know, she seems to know me which is fine with me.  Never was good with faces and names, but great with faces and personalities or what they have done in past.  So I hangout with her and him.  So she invites me to anther place a balcony, there I see other people and a face I know from the not so far past.  So I react without thinking, and great him only to be scolded at by her.  I misplaced who it was and immediately was rejected by the person.  Again I react and immediately left the area as whole for food the reason I left the classroom originally.  As I left, the woman pleaded for me to stay, and even the great friend that made a mark on my past.  I continued  to leave in silence in hopes I could still grab something out of cafeteria, I have experienced in the past the high school cafeteria stop serving before the break was up.  To avail no food, so I went back to class to continue my work only to see my work space taken up by another student. A classmate pointed out my tools of the trade as I awoke to a new day.

My reflection upon this, I have fears that need to be worked out true enough.  One of them is rejection of people, and I should give others a chance or a second chance.  This is true, I do not just say “hi how are you” I am quiet I want to say “hi how are you”, but I am afraid that person will cut me off.  My past was like that as a child, one misstep and I was scolded or not accepted by teachers or dad would get in my mind I needed to be the A student.  Which is tough when you teacher marks you off for your traits you cannot help nor correct.  So there you have it.

Thanks for reading

Gobtcha

Have not been well.

Hello, I hope you are well keeping cool or warm.  I have the common cold, should be over in a day or two though.  Doctors gave me a whole cocktail to take so nothing to worry about just gotta keep warm.  I did try the basics keep clean, warm showers, gargle salt water, and chicken soup. Some of it relieved the crud, but still did not heal I guess is the word.  I asked “her” and she somehow influenced mom dad to apply pressure to run me to the doctor.  I just figured it would be a day or two more till they brought it up, I cannot ask them to do that for me.

Earlier today while I was thinking about “her” and the words popped out of the blue “I need you”.  So today I will make an effort to meditate on her and find out what that is.  Writing my thoughts here is a way to calm my mind.  I also have been looking into a picture of a female into her gaze and I see it change then the facial expression changes almost as if it is breathing, the hair swaying slightly.  Could be just me though.  The picture can be found here http://magicnaanavi.deviantart.com/#/art/Faceless-358341352?hf=1  it might be just the colors used dunno.  Either way gonna drop it and just focus on myself rest and focus on “her” as well.

I did seize up sometime last week, and then caught the cold.  It felt as if something was removing itself from my body, my instincts told me to use my magnet to activate the implant in my chest.  It did its job I am not worried at all.  I reflected back and I did some reading on epilepsy about tow days before and the day before.  Might be something to do with it.  So I stopped for now I may get back into reading about it later as it becomes an interest.  Another trigger just plain lack of rest and food.

Thanks for reading

Gobtcha

 

 

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