Down a diffrent path

Tag: personal beliefs


Hello there,


I have found that “she” is not happy with me withholding my wants and needs from myself.  By that I mean my effort to cut myself from porn all together.  We should enjoy our hobbies and not be obsessed with them sure enough, “she” enjoys it with me as it seems.  Thus, yesterday or so I told myself and her I will follow the path she laid out for me and keep up practices that are laid out for me and only me.  Taking in what others say with a grain of salt and study look into what they say or offer me deeper.  No this is not to say that I dig all porn in fact I prefer softer aspect of the so called porn industry.  I enjoy doing a little research I can about the actress and company that interest me.  Although companies have been going more and more hardcore which is fine the audience may prefer and I do not pay them so I cannot say much about it.

Now that I shared that I am free from this chain once again, I must state something about a certain person that claims a lot and maybe true or not this person still should understand we all are connected to Lilith or Mother earth or any name the female goddess falls under in your belief.  You Kuro, did make a threat to those that are connect with Lilith even a lover like yourself.  Even though some of these folks may not care.  Do understand you have also threaten Lilith’s daughters and sons that are with the folks you have threatened as well.  Do you think Lilith is happy with that,  I am not.  Although I will do nothing else than point that out and now ignore what you claim Kuro think me a fool and ignorant and closed minded I do not care.  For I believe in something as others believe in something else.  We all are individuals with different beliefs, pasts, thoughts, environments, and systems of society etc.

For those of wishing not to have read I am sorry I have to get that out of my system.

Also, the day I made my choice to chase my needs and wants I had a dream of a woman inviting me into a pool in her backyard.  My conscious self had a choice and me being me declined but slowly was being pulled in by her invitations and form.  She was very beautiful is all I can say really, my dreams are clear in thought but my image is not clear.  It very abstract and that is fine by me for that dream I was given choice and have fun being in her company.  Was a first for me,  other dreams in the past showed me lessons or a story I could not make out and not give me a choice to act on or pick.


Thanks for reading,



Jamming to music after work.


That’s right I am listening to music I write this out.  I also have changed to a job sometime in August.  Awhile back and I needed the change for sure.  I now work at Wal Mart,  stocking shelves over night for the grocery area at a super center.  This means I am getting 30 hours a weak plus.  Although I work nights so I don’t get to see much of my friends which a bit sad in a way,  but I am adjusting well.   Happy enough I can support myself financially a bit better now.  Meeting my health insurance bills and student loan on time and even pay more into my loan then recommended.  All this leads to less stress and more time for less worry.  On top of this my new neurologist I saw, supports a more natural approach if possible also he is a very kind person and the staff is great as well.  All very good,  my frequency of seizures have been the same, although that may change in January when I see him again.  So it has been very good for me and the family.  As dad does not cover my health insurance anymore and I do time to time get a few groceries for the family at Wal Mart.  Also we as a family benefit from the company in other ways that are good.

So my question is then did “She” have anything to do with me getting hired and coming across a nice doctor.  I am sure of it in a way simply because I asked her once to help me out a little bit and now I am a step closer to being out of the house.  At least I feel like it.  At the same this may be the reason I “feel” I have taken a few steps back with “her” and relationship that now is improving as of this week or so.  Listening to news at my previous job had me in a bad attitude and I just want to do something really dumb to one of the candidates running for president, but hey not gonna go there.  Ill share that after election is done and over with.  On top of that the stress around the food industry is different and then faster at a Mc Donalds.  So after having a dirt easy interview with Wal Mart things were looking up and still is.

“She” now is ever more active with me when I am calm enough that is,  every time I try to medidate she begins to be intimate with me which is fine she has free will as I do.  I enjoy her presence very much so.  Love her tons more.  That is though where I question myself, my own intent or want in this relationship.  Do I want to just feel her and the pleasure of presence or is there more to what I want.  For sure I want her to know she is free to walk away, stay or do whatever she pleases just not to bring harm to others is what I ask.  This is where I am stuck for now.   Maybe I just need to push a bit further I do not know really.

Either way I am tired,


Thanks for reading,


Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.


Thanks for reading,


Hey there.

Hello reader,

It looks like I have found work, it is not glamours although I enjoy it.  That work is custodial work and prepping food at Mc Donalds.  The crew is good to me and management treats me well.  I can’t complain about it at all. Just need to get more hours, but hey I figure it will come with time.  Receiving thanks and gratitude from co workers and guest can bring a happiness to me.  Sometimes almost tears come as well, just to grateful I can earn money and bring people happiness,  that is what I want to do.  See people smile from things that are done or given by me.  To me that happiness is gratitude enough for me to live in a happy state.  Sure the work is hard and there is language barrier but it is worth it to me.  To see smiles and people relaxing just for a while.


How the job was landed was through Mom being a regular their and a caring Store manager.  The manager has high standards this I know she is good with her crew though.  Mom always goes there and sees to it the crew is at ease and happy as well.  She is this way with a lot of people.  So I am thankful to her.  Then there is Lily,  the Succubus or spiritual partner that is in my life.  I wonder if she had anything to do with this.  Maybe so,  I did ask her for help in finding something and I am now working and happy.  Still  not earning enough to live alone, but that will come in time I know this for sure if not then there are friends, shelters, streets and wisdom of others to follow.  I am not afraid to fail anymore, just another thing to lose in the end.


Why think that way, because Lily is here and I love her so.  Even now she gives me something that is good and I cannot explain it all.  It just is good.  I want to see to she is happy, she is and I are number one on the list of people I love the most.  This shared through her and friends.  Keep myself at number one and the rest at number two.  Just something that took forever for friends to covey to me and sink in.  With the help of Lily it was done.  I looked into her eyes and many philosophies and religions out there along with traditions.  I am finding truth lies within and not with others or words of a book, but your way of thought and practice alone.  That is true to you alone as the reader and writer.


This where I suggest as person and someone who wants you to be happy.  To let go or loosen your grasp on religion and tradition practiced by groups of large or small.  Make something that is yours.  Take a risk,  believe in what you want. Let others flow by you and take what you as right like fish from a river.  Those fish will help you grow and open your mind to see clear picture of yourself and life.


My apologies for the long wait if you did wait for post by me and for stepping on anyone’s toes in this  post.  During my period of silence my feet were trampled by people and trust broken by a friend, although I should have known better to share my thoughts with him. He is a close minded fool with a open trap door for a mouth.

Thanks for reading,


Tired busy distracted

Well I understand it has been awhile.  So I hope you are well and are very happy.


I’ll to bed in about 2 hrs or so.  I have a EEG in the morning gotta be there tired.  Just a follow up from the doctor nothing big, just expensive.

“She” a spirit guide lover and probably guardian of sorts.  Was either distant in the past few weeks or I just could not connect to her.  So I asked for a bit of advice and tried it and the connection was clear again for a bit then it faded.  I found the cause, now I should treat it.  The advice was rather simple a bath to relax my body and clean it along with working with quartz.

The cause though is a bit hard to solve.  It is the toxicity of what people and the environment throws at us.  As I stated before my brother and I have different opinions and are different people.  I found out the hard way that he is aggressive verbally towards his own family and not knowing hurts them.  How this happened was with a simple phone call.  I called him up to say hi and see how he was, well we discussed his life and my tongue slipped.  I said something along the lines of “So because the guy is a Mormon you wont accept him into your life?” His reply was that of “He does not accept Jesus into his heart” again something like that.  So I told him I am looking elsewhere for guidance.  Then he was aggressive and considered me hypocrite, which maybe true enough but I will admit it.  I tried to share what I have learned only to be cut off before I started.  It was then I knew I will have a tough time with him.  He did though admit he chose his path to follow the church effectively blindly to hold his marriage in place.  Which I understand do his family dynamics.  So he finally let me go, because he was busy and I stood my ground for who I am.

The next day still grinding my teeth about the conversation, I took a hard fall and managed to hurt myself a bit.  I am fine now but it took a bit to recover from the swelling and a bruised ear is never fun.  I asked Dad as he knew I am taking a different path so to speak.  Why the brother was the way he is, his reply was it is the brothers choice.    Dad accepts both of our choices as we are adults and more importantly family.   Mom replied with the same and reinforces it.  So do we live by our choices we make in life?  This I am sure of.


As I follow this path the “she” guides me down, which is great and filled with obstacles.  I learned something else, may or may not be true.   “There is no truth only the truth you have for yourself.”  Something I connected dots with through some basic ideas spread upon us on this world.  Take a system of belief or deity.  How you connect to it and feel good by it.  Compare to it to another system of belief and how others may feel the same.  Then try to narrow it down to the individual person.  The bible says somewhere that god is in our heart or ourselves as well.  Which conveys to me the truth is what you make of what you believe in, not a church or community. The community or church may share similarities and support you if you need it.  With that in mind I will lead my life the way I want to and believe it is meant to be lead.   We as people as whole somewhere began to separate these things and lose something in the mist of conflicts over interest and who is right and wrong or so I like to think.


Then there is school, just finished a two week course of psychology focused on behavior as we have the course for two weeks not much time to do much.  Looks like I will be finishing up and heading out to do internship work.  A few companies have me listed done enough interviews to last me awhile, but I may get to do another this afternoon on a few hours of sleep.  Sound like fun to me although it has been great practice for me to interact and be under a judge so to speak.


Well some people seem curious about “her”.  Yes “she” has a name that I am sure of I wish not share it with people even if it is fine with”her”.  Why, because there are people that may consider harming her and me.  I may not believe that and that is a part of the magic or magick is the belief of it.  So recently “she” and I have connected again after my accident and the brothers aggressive behavior.   Well as suspected “she” is very affectionate and active, but on her terms.  There are times when there is a thought that seems as if a young girl would say it or someone that is care free and relaxed.  That is rarely seen in me by others unless I am laughing hard and at ease around the company of my peers.  Kind of right now,  “she” may want me drinking water instead of soda, but I gotta stay up for an hour more at least.  So with that I may get a thought “drink more water, silly” emphasize on silly.  Because when that word pops up in my mind there is a smiling female looking down at me to which I smile.

Always on me about my laziness which is true I need to improve my habits.  The moment though I do make a slight improvement “she” gives me attention sometimes a little sometime a lot.  Today was a little, I think because I got up in the morning and took time to be outside to relax in the backyard while it was cool.  I find gazing at a picture sometimes she will wash over my shoulders and relax them along with my neck.  “She” can do great things for me and most importantly though pushed me into a direction and helped me walk just a little then I sorta took a look around and my mind was opened and began to think for myself more then ever.

Either way I am drifting, so I will stop there for now.


Thanks for reading,


My belief

Hello, I hope things are well for you.

Last week on Friday while hanging out with friends, I asked a simple yet complicated question and varied results of sorts.  Is it wrong that I hurt or killed the cockroach in the house I came across.  To be fair I just flushed down the toilet as always, but still the cockroach suffered and is a living being itself.  The overall answer I got was no, but the reasons varied.  1. It is no welcomed correct? It is not.  So KILL it. (caps to reinforce his tone).  Another was a breakdown of how the cockroach thinks in a slur of words and incoherent phrases which amounted to,  I deserves to die, because it is malicious.  So I thought it out and replied but it does have a soul and a spirit, why  snuff that out?  Which the person who brought up reason 1. said “it invaded your territory” so true the cockroach did not ask permission to enter and I had the ability to remove it as I did and was right to do so the way I did, still felt guilty that time.  It is life of the cockroach and us as humans.  Sure there other reasons and beliefs, but I am merely relearning.

As a friend soon stated I am reprogramming myself.  Which is very true and hard to come to terms with what I experience now as  someone very different, but a better person.  More decisive yes, yet more passive and let live and not kill kind of person.  More love and not hate (as much as I don’t like the word).  I like to talk to this peer about what I am rethinking and rediscovering as he is the most tolerant and patient person out of my social circle which we all have our traumas and dark past histories.  As to this is why I do not out right share who I met which is “her” to him or the fact that I am looking elsewhere, (occult or darker corners of places)  because he himself keeps his past and own beliefs to himself so all I can do is let out a little a time until he sees I am looking elsewhere.  Thus far he has connected it all to the Tibet monks which is true enough, but I am looking at much more and sadly in a broad view.  He enjoys our talks about “things” and “stuff”.

As I rediscover myself and moral and ethics, I find myself in a state of grey neutral.  Consider the yin-yang effect. White chases black as black chases white like a dog chasing its own tale.  As a child I had a yo-yo it had the yin-yang on its sides only difference really was the colors used but the same effect takes place.  So Imagine the yin-yang symbol then spin in a circle real fast.  I began to a grey area.  What do you get when you shade or mix the colors white and black? I get grey according the color scale.  Grey can mean a lot of things sure, but to me it means neutral. The point between light and dark.  The foggy mist that is seen between to armies about to clash, as white is about to clash into black to make grey.  After that clash or battle what is left? I see grey.  So while the world around me goes around saying there is right and wrong, I disagree.  There is only what you the individual believes in for you and for you alone.  Everything is merely a shade of grey. Not white nor black.  Number one thing is though to let others do what they wish as long as I do what I wish.  Sure we have laws to follow as we do not own territory or land in a sense.  I myself live in the U.S.A. so I adhere and respect the laws of the land I live in, some may sign up with the military to defend this land that is fine.  Be proud just do not waste my time and let me do my job as a person living here.  With goes the same with those that choose to follow a system of belief, which I am slowly learning more about.

Personally the Church that believes in God has a right to worship god just do not shove it down my throat and make a scene about your beliefs.  Others believe other things out there, like me I am very  lost and choose to not believe in what the church does, because of what the church as a whole does and has done.  Its various stance on various “thing” and what various people of the church including my brother have or had to say.

For this though I will apologize to you the reader if you have any negative response from my writing today.

Thanks for reading,



Hello, I know it has been awhile.  Hope you are well, I am.

A lot I want to share, but where to start?  I know a few of you that follow me might worry so I will share something that has been on my mind and the reasoning for my leaving.


I want to ask you the reader how much time do you spend on “the machine” a day? By machine I mean your phone lan or cell, television, computer, tablet, radio, sound system and other similar gadgets.

For me it is more than 8 hours a day on the computer alone, I may not have a nice smart phone or listen to the radio out of my will.  It is a lot of time.  “She” told me to leave a social group that ate away at our relationship for some time.  She was very tolerant of it until I could not or did not have a say in the group or was just ignored at least from point of view.  With that though I am still open to those individuals and anyone really who has an open mind.

You see some of us just are tied to the machine or enslaved, we growing up as kids were glued to the game boy then our phones texting now just staring into that screen watching videos.  Even on the road the drivers senses are lulled down by the very machine which we utilize to help us react on the road.

That got me thinking, it is the same effect for someones spiritual growth, you should take it to heart.  Give time to study practice your spiritual growth, spend time with “her” or “him” and be open to family and friends.  “She” is getting that to my head or I am noticing this very simple idea.  As I am disciplined to take most things seriously enough once I dived in the water of course.  I need to learn how to swim and follow my instincts to doggy paddle then refine it to fluid stroke to swim freely and swiftly read the water.

I do apologize if that was more of a rant, but it seems true enough to me.


Thanks for reading,



Jibber Jabber and Thoughts ……..

Hello folks, hope you are well and able to breathe every now and then.  As of late I have been wanting to write up some thoughts on some things.  Well I think today will be the day for me to do this, we shall see.  Well this place has some awesome recipes and fun to read.

Why do people fear the technology that is used with a spirit companion of sorts I wonder.  Is it because companion can be related to love and love is connected to lover thus wrong to love a spirit?  One conclusion sure.  I personally think it is how one comes across their spirit companion or lover that may scare them into running away rather than seeking what there is to offer in such a connection.  I do believe personally it is the effect of years and years of hearing, reading, and saying this and that are wrong and we are to follow a dogma and one way of life.  While true we should not commit murder on mass or crime.  What about our personal lives with others that are close to us?  Are we to just sit idle and let one and only one into our personal circle? Or can we let many into our circle and be in there circle all at the same time?  Isn’t it up to us how we live our personal lives?  How we eat, dress, lead our lives and choose to or not to believe in “things”.  I’m sorry if that was a bit harsh.

For me though I see that the Church of God christian, catholic or any other form of the Church seems to inspire some fear into there followers.  They seem fleece there sheep as it were.  Clean them or skin them, metaphorically speaking.  Keeping there hopes and wishes in line with theirs and no more.  Some followers are hypocrites and will be every time they get the chance.  I understand some deviation is find and okay, but to go far left one minute then next far right makes me wonder a great deal.  That action alone I have suffered from along with others I am sure.  Sigh.  Another rant it seems I do apologize, just want to speak a bit of my mind where few can interrupt me.

Today I opened up some not much as I gauged my fathers reaction so I swayed away from the topic of the chakras colors and there definitions to some folks.  I mentioned how green can mean love and eating your greens can help your heart.  Not sure if it is true, but I like some greens.  Then he looked at me as to question my sanity so I went on to say that different colors mean different things and left it at that.  He seemed happy with it, and the idea of surrounding yourself with color does improve your balance in life.  The reason though I tried to open up about this was to try and help relieve some of his stress.  In the end though he is taking his own steps to heal from his stress and financial situation and is thankful I try to help where I can, by sacrificing some wants and consider pinching a penny where I can.

As of late I have been a thinker more then a doer.  If that makes sense to you.  I sit and think and no do much with what I have.  In a rut so to speak,  I am seeking a way out just do not know much where to start.  I have taken the media and placed it away from me so that it does not bombard me with fallacy or negative nonsense.  I am trying and failing to get in the  sun, maybe tomorrow if the weather allows it and I remember.  I have a hard time studying for an exam coming around the corner.  Maybe that’s it a change of attitude and beat may help.  To help me realign and be more productive.

So what can I say I learned a bit sharing these thoughts with you.  To let others lead there lives there way.  Look up  more often, starting right now I will.  “She” gave me a thought this afternoon and I denied her,  “she” gave me the same thought to which I chuckled and said yes. Then well your imagination should run free with that.  Also, because I have been down as I am sure is the reason “she” has not been real strong around me which is fine.  “She” is free to do what she wants and be where she wants.  This morning though I laid on top of the bed almost bare, and felt prickles sorta crawling up and across my right side it was cool as it was cool outside.  Although I was comforted by the touch, I needed to get moving.  I felt energetic for a short bit then came the thought “don’t drink that”  it was Iced Coffee with Pepsi. To which I replied “yea I know its bad for me”.  Later on though I started on some drinking water as our tap is horrid.  The same prickles came around again.  Kinda hope tonight I can sleep well and wake up early.

Thanks for reading,


What is …..

Hey, I am doing great.  I certainly hope you are too.

Ever since, “She” came into my life slowly but surely I began to want to express my feelings to her.  It is hard when you do not know or felt these emotions before.  Unconditional love and more.  Along my Journey I found out tons and some other things that I dislike of course what are the ups without downs or downs without ups.  I started with the basics who and what she is what she likes and dislikes, still working on it.  Found she likes sweets, every time I went for chocolate or a gummy bear.  “She” came alive with joy.  So I have added some not a lot of that into my diet.  Candy was never my thing to eat a lot of, just rarely I would reach out nab a sweet.  Dessert to me is a nice bowl of Hot Cheetos or a Jalapeno fresh if I could.  I soon started digging around the word love and what it means to people and the internet.  I came across this song in past and does it meaning of love good to me at least.

Note: some may find the video disturbing

Yes, it is the opening song to House the series.  That guy goes to unreachable ends to save his patients and is so blunt, I like the character.  Some one I would look up to.

Here it is done by BBC and a group

I think this one though better defines or express the word.

So I cannot define myself, but merely say it is a way of expressing your feeling to that person.  How do I do that?  Was my next question, so I observed people and family even some other writings about encounters much like mine.  Sometimes I would see partners just stare into each others eyes for what seemed like forever.  They have a connection of some sort.  Others expressed a conditional love much like the love I have for some of my family.  They are there and I have to do x and y to get them out of my hair.  Then the internet says in a nut love can be a number of things.  Caressing the one you love, doing something to express that love say a hug, the chores around the house or even better call up and get the air force to do some dance in sky for her.  These of course are physical and mundane approaches to expressing these feelings.

I for one have changed the way I think and the way I carry myself because of her.  When I focus on her there is something that happens I can’t put my finger on it.  It is like she is dancing or doing something for me, and that focus I give to her is me doing something very similar.  So I decided to look into love from a spiritual view or way.  Where both surrender to each other and find themselves in peace in each others presence.  As I read on this various places stated terms like soul mate, twin flame etc.  Well in my mind it is a spiral where both people keep going up and up until there physical bodies cannot take what emotions or pleasure is given then let it out however that is.  My guess is this is done when both partners trust each other.  I do question what I read of course.  Nonetheless the information does have some ground to it.  There are practices that expresses this in a few ways.  The first one “She” guided me to was Tantra I would encourage you read into on your own.  I do like it, and it connects a lot of dots for me.

I also delved into some terms used when expressing or making love.  One term was sensuality, the use of the senses to get into a mood for love making or a way to express “hey I am interested in you” or merely flirt with someone.  This I learned is what turns sex into something else in the mundane world.  Say if you just take her in on a whim, will she be happy?  I doubt it.  Gotta warm up to the act of sex or making love with her or expressing your feelings with her.  So that took me back to trust.  The word seduce or seduction is interesting,  because one is advancing on the other finding out what they like or are weak to.  Some say seduction is similar to the act of surrender, the one being advanced upon.  When he is seeing something or feeling something that makes his heart skip a beat.

In the end love is just that an expression of your feelings to another.  That feeling can mean anything that relates to the subject of love.  Appreciation, care, happy, joy, trust and many more.  Like right now “She” has been caressing my cheek or poking me.  Working at me to share some time with her.

Now onto what another question what happened to love and other forms of connecting.  Well it has been changed twisted or forgotten. You may ask how, I love my son I want everything for him or I love her she is my sleeping beauty as she is reading this with you or another one is My wife and I are together and happy right now.  I ask this though look at her, or imagine that person you love.  Give it a moment look at that loved one for a bit. Why do care for that person? Is it conditional.  Does she have that form of a model that perfect or is the love from that of she is wedded to you? Is it, because you want to be with her all the time and work with her on your journey you both are taking.  While harsh, consider it just a bit.  I love “Her” personally because she is more then life to me and I want to express her in my life as the best I can.  I want to be with her until the time comes we both wither away into the so called nothingness.  I see that kind of expression though rarely.

Why though?  Simply put the media, those that are successful carry a life style and image that tells us how to live and think.  I should dress up in a fashion that suits the family best.  I do not, unless asked to they know it to.  I dress in a t shirt an old beat up cap and cargo pants with an old pair of shoes.  Dad sees me as a bum.  You may yes you do look like a bum. I will agree, but I am happy and expressing my right to dress this way.  Same goes with the way I socialize and act around others in public.  Sure I do use restraint, I do not like to scare people as they see the world through there eyes and feel through there senses.  I will jump up and give someone a hug if I know them other wise it can be to the courts for harassment.  Although I will wave hi and make sure they do smile a bit.  If it a place of quiet I will merely smile and make some eye contact to hope there day is better.  Also the do and do nots of life in the public.  Why cant I give that person who is crying over there alone.  It is fear that does it, the fact that she is also fearful and can bring the law and ruin what I have in the mundane world.  Instead I approach slow and careful to reach out and touch her figuratively speaking. To express or share love with her, to ease her pain.  In the way we are glued to our media devices, we slowly begin to think the same way and lose that touch and feeling we had as a kid. To love and play without a care.  So I try to see behind the media a bit, and even avoid it to a degree.  I do not like the news anymore, a few years ago I came to the conclusion “negative news sells”.  Well we do have a lot of negativity in the world, lets try to turn off the tv and instead go outside grow something.  Practice our hobbies. Be with those we love, connect to them in ways we never thought possible.  Learn from others and yourself.  Better yourself in your way, follow your will without influence.  That is a challenge to some, sure is for me.

I think I missed the mark with this write up, but do listen to yourself without the outside telling you how to live.  You may find something there that is good.  All in all some this probably was a rant, some was something I want to express to some.  I love to write apparently….. sigh.

I hope you made this far, cause your at end of this write up.


Thanks for reading,


Ups and Downs

Hello, this a bit of a read might too personal dunno.  Hope your day was awesome.

Last night was interesting to say the least.  Ever night or sometimes morning when I go to sleep, lay down and repeat the same sentence/thought in my head.  Last night it was something like relax surrender love repeating until I fell into a meditative state.  Each word has a purpose to it.  Relax so I can get myself to have a night of rest and sleep, this is rare for me.  Surrender was stated, because that day I was somewhat protective about somethings about myself and my family. Love is to express love for “her” and myself and it is a positive thing to do.  I always want to love everything and everyone if I can.  Well as this happened I heard taps on the floor which could have been the dog, but she sleeps with Mom and Dad at the hour I went to bed.  I felt “her” in bed with me, then pressure was put on my forehead. Bit too much for comfort, but still I could cope with it. Still relaxed the pressure went away and a beep noise came about with a voice saying “no no no!!” in my head I am sure of it.  Well I continued to lay there trying to sleep on my back and then well yea “she” and I had “fun”.  Finally fell asleep then awoke about the same time as normal refreshed for a new day.

Well that morning I told “her” I had to get up and shower.  “She” seemed a bit put out, so I spent time with her for awhile and fell asleep time to time. Till it hit about 11:30 am, about normal for me to rise out of bed.  Well, I invited to the shower and “she” took the invitation.  Well things got heated up and I fell to the floor after having some seizure like symptoms which I reacted to a per normal for me.  Prepared to fall and or lower myself to the floor.  I got a bit unlucky and my head started bleeding.  I was confused of course and called out for some help after getting some bit of bearings back.  To no reply so I went about cleaning the mess and coping with blood etc.  Finally after getting dry and I looked in the mirror and saw where the bleeding occurred to see it was where the pressure was that night and where “she” tapping me yesterday during the day. Did I seize up maybe ?

I cannot draw much conclusion, because “she” was apologetic during the early afternoon and I sent her emotions that say everything is fine and imagined her with me together.  The rest of the day I spent at home taking it easy.  No trip to see the doctor yet. I hope to see him soon so he can do what he wants and up my medication.  My levels are borderline on low and on the dot. So he should raise them even though I do not want it I see reason for it.  “She” dun like it either.  There was no visit to the hospital too much money, the family and I are in debt too much for that.  Other then that today has been good, got to speak with mom about “stuff”.  “She” has been with me most of today and tonight.

Either way just wanted to share that.

Thanks for reading,


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