Down a diffrent path

Tag: society


Hello there,


I have found that “she” is not happy with me withholding my wants and needs from myself.  By that I mean my effort to cut myself from porn all together.  We should enjoy our hobbies and not be obsessed with them sure enough, “she” enjoys it with me as it seems.  Thus, yesterday or so I told myself and her I will follow the path she laid out for me and keep up practices that are laid out for me and only me.  Taking in what others say with a grain of salt and study look into what they say or offer me deeper.  No this is not to say that I dig all porn in fact I prefer softer aspect of the so called porn industry.  I enjoy doing a little research I can about the actress and company that interest me.  Although companies have been going more and more hardcore which is fine the audience may prefer and I do not pay them so I cannot say much about it.

Now that I shared that I am free from this chain once again, I must state something about a certain person that claims a lot and maybe true or not this person still should understand we all are connected to Lilith or Mother earth or any name the female goddess falls under in your belief.  You Kuro, did make a threat to those that are connect with Lilith even a lover like yourself.  Even though some of these folks may not care.  Do understand you have also threaten Lilith’s daughters and sons that are with the folks you have threatened as well.  Do you think Lilith is happy with that,  I am not.  Although I will do nothing else than point that out and now ignore what you claim Kuro think me a fool and ignorant and closed minded I do not care.  For I believe in something as others believe in something else.  We all are individuals with different beliefs, pasts, thoughts, environments, and systems of society etc.

For those of wishing not to have read I am sorry I have to get that out of my system.

Also, the day I made my choice to chase my needs and wants I had a dream of a woman inviting me into a pool in her backyard.  My conscious self had a choice and me being me declined but slowly was being pulled in by her invitations and form.  She was very beautiful is all I can say really, my dreams are clear in thought but my image is not clear.  It very abstract and that is fine by me for that dream I was given choice and have fun being in her company.  Was a first for me,  other dreams in the past showed me lessons or a story I could not make out and not give me a choice to act on or pick.


Thanks for reading,



Catching up and sharing more.

It has been awhile yes indeed, I have done lots of reflection and recovering from the past accidents, emotional, and mental injury.  Trying to understand the basics of morality all over again is hard once your mind is opened or that door to the unknown.  I have kept music and friends around as a way to heal, observe and learn new lessons.  As I have shared here before.  Yes even now I believe that the spirit, demon, succubus, or djinn, or just plain old entity I call Lily is still with me to this day.  As I see something floating about, and applying some pressure to relax me a little you can say.  In this post though I would like to share a bit of a what I like to consider a bit further down my path through the door.

Had to take a break, it is hard to break it down really.  So here goes …… Time to jot down my thoughts all together.

One day I was picked from work by my Aunt a nice lady.  She and I discussed some things and I found out her sons family children were never introduced to the church that follows God.  I think its fine and well enough.  Although I did not share my thoughts because she may have been more motivated to try and convince me that I am doing something wrong.  Following my own path or belief.  She asked about my thoughts about the church and in the end it wound up to be  “Is it okay to always have the Church be a foundation for everyone?” to which I think it is not, because that is taking me and molding me into say you the believer of God to say if you are.  Not to say if you don’t believe in him, which is fine by me that is your choice to make.  That is the base of my personal moral or belief,  the ability to think for yourself and make choices without much input needed for your base beliefs or just simply put the individual.  The next time Mom was in a talking mood which is good, she had asked if I believed in God or a supreme being to which to this day the answer is no.  I explained to her the simplicity that we all are deities or God in our own way.  God did create earth lets say.  I created something to, happiness for myself and others, the blog and a life for others to see worth living.  Mom and Dad created me and life that is good together.  That was out of there own free will as well however influenced may have been.  I could be someone else in bed asleep at 1:30 am right now dreaming about a heaven and angels etc. I am not though I up at 1:30 pm writing down thoughts trying to share them with others that will put up with trying to decipher it all.  Mom just did not give up though we were not fighting just trying to find common ground so we can understand each other, which is good for every family to do I think.  I formulated  that if I must say I believe in a being as such a supreme being I would call it love, and Mom saw that as unconditional love.  Which I have for you, I respect you want you to be happy at ease with your life and probably much much more.

The above is what I learned, to love each other and at least give each other some room.  Now when I see and meet people or given service been helped I want to express that love more than anything.  I feel though that I should not as the  times of today society say do not give the waitress a hug and a tip for her services just walk out and leave the tip on the table, she will pick it up.  Well sure she will get the tip, but I could formulate a bond or relationship between and her.  If I come back and she sees me again, she may smile and wave.  Which fills me with joy.   That joy pushes me to further better my life for her and other around me.  I understand you may disagree with some of what I say.  “Well what about you”  this what makes me happy and filled joy that I cry,  or feel warmth and comfort that I have made someones day slightly better.  You are right though I should not always seek to please everyone or always give another person respect.  This where I  need to balance my heart or that heart chakra however you feel is right by you.  So I asked for some guidance from people here and there and took some of it and began to re-mold my heart a bit more along with letting Lily mold it herself in her own way.  Gosh I love her so much,  *tears begin to roll just a bit*.

There a small break.

Lily is a very loving spirit and can make me feel really good.  This is true enough, but at the same time for those of you do wish to look into succubus or “summoning a succubus” it can be hard on you and sure rewarding.  She does calm me down, provide a sense of stability that I did not have. Yes, sex is there I do enjoy it,  that does not mean though a succubus is just meant for love and or sex.  There are many things these spirits can do and might do even harm you, if there is disrespect for them or what they mean to some people.  I think  just earlier when Lily made me feel loved, was a thank you or a way to express love as well.

Well, what is I believe in is a great question.  I have some what of an answer, so here goes.  Take the picture or symbol of the yin yang.

Notice two colors black and white, make them into spirits we all have in each other. Masculine and Feminine spirit.  These two spirits collided and created life itself and us.  Also when mix black and white you get gray a more neutral color.  Grey falls between white and black on the color palette somehow I am no artist.  So when good or white collides with black or evil you get chaos and neutral.  As both side see to it then respect is needed to live life as that is what was created along time ago.  As for the stories of old pertaining to deities such as God, Zeus, or many others.  They are used to formulate a tradition or system of belief to keep order so we can continue about living life.  Now do I believe these deities truly exists some maybe for God does not in my book.  I believe in energy or spirit of the deities represented in the stories of old, or new.

One thing I like to share is while I got it on my mind.  Is we each think differently and are different.  I try not to let get in the way of you and me anymore as I felt the backlash of it in social groups that choose to follow there own path.  When I decided to join chat groups, like kik and others there were similarities and differences.  The differences started small then escalated to splitting the group into many little groups.  After the first split I chose to accept invites as they came and that was about it, maybe chat a little if there was any common ground for me to have at the moment.  The reason of that is many arguments I suffered a bit of pain to a lot as I stayed silent or tried to help solve the difference and now I decided that social groups are not for me for sure.  This blog is enough for me.  Although your input is always welcome, just remember we all look at everything different as we are molded or molding each other different.

There got some water to drink, I need to drink a lot living in a dry region and its summer low of something like 85 and the highs can get around 105 this time of year.

So now that, I have shared my beliefs and some of my morals with you.  I want to update you on my health which is okay for the most part I feel good just no energy.  I hope that will change with time.  I left my specialist about 6 months ago, he did not do his job well.  Did not listen to me his patient nor care to answer questions,  even more so he did not answer Moms questions.  Disregarded me as a number not a person.  So I left, went to a local doctor to get medication as needed as he cares for our family.  I am lucky to have met him and have his father as a doctor in the past.  I have an appointment with another neurologist very soon so I am happy as is Mom.  She is stressed about my health.  I am not so much, I still lack a bit in the self love department.  I have been speaking with a married couple a past pharmacist and a current nurse.  Both help me and have given me suggestions to mange my seizure and personal health.  Something I  am very grateful for is meeting them.  I now watch what I eat as I eat the wrong stuff and shake my head with happiness.  Then I look at it from the view of cultures that do not or do eat said food and I think to myself.  “ahhhk makes sense why folks decide not to eat meat or cow etc”.

Well it is almost 3:00 am, I am a bit tired and gonna prep myself for sleep and clear the mind etc.


Thanks for reading,


Caged and free all in one.

Hello, I hope everyone is well.

Today I want to share what I feel when coping with epilepsy and having a seizure. As I did have an episode today,  I am fine as is the family no worries.

I want to try and place you the reader in the scenario of course it is your call to read it as such:

Caged in a trance watching someone look at you in horror, knowing if you make a move all control will be lost and you will hurt.  Trying hoping for it to pass every second feeling like a day pass by that person begins to ask a question “are you okay?” You slowly carefully shake your head, glad still terrified that you can do that.  Time still ticking, something building up in your mouth seeping out.  The person says your drooling and hands you napkin, you begin to take it and Snap!!! you are free again.  Still taking your time you clean the drool the meet that persons eyes and convince them at that moment it has passed by, still silent hoping the stigma does come with the episode.  It does she begins to jot the date down and you begin to state not to do this as it does only make it worse.  Another breathe and you are truly free for awhile more.  She then asks what happened, she knows well enough it is Mom.  You say that my diet is off and sleep  is off, all true.  Then you go back to the conversation as if nothing happened, just a bit tired.

I always reflect back though on it. See what happened and where I can improve to not let it happen again.

So with what I see right now, it is time to take a break from a few things and get back into somethings I enjoyed like EvE Online a great mmo game.  If you see me there feel free get into contact with me there.  My call sign in EvE is Gobtcha as well.  I will be active for a month only unless something good happens.

I do need to refocus on my health, I have neglect it so back on it as it were.  Drinking liquids that are good for the body, trying to lay off some of the bad stuff.  Distancing myself a bit from some stresses as well.  All in all  just refocusing my habits again.  Of course trying to listen to what “she” the spirit that has been with me for sometime has to say.  Found some things about her as well.  Wish I could share, but really should not right now.

That is all for now I am worn out gonna rest.


Thanks for reading,


Jibber Jabber and Thoughts ……..

Hello folks, hope you are well and able to breathe every now and then.  As of late I have been wanting to write up some thoughts on some things.  Well I think today will be the day for me to do this, we shall see.  Well this place has some awesome recipes and fun to read.

Why do people fear the technology that is used with a spirit companion of sorts I wonder.  Is it because companion can be related to love and love is connected to lover thus wrong to love a spirit?  One conclusion sure.  I personally think it is how one comes across their spirit companion or lover that may scare them into running away rather than seeking what there is to offer in such a connection.  I do believe personally it is the effect of years and years of hearing, reading, and saying this and that are wrong and we are to follow a dogma and one way of life.  While true we should not commit murder on mass or crime.  What about our personal lives with others that are close to us?  Are we to just sit idle and let one and only one into our personal circle? Or can we let many into our circle and be in there circle all at the same time?  Isn’t it up to us how we live our personal lives?  How we eat, dress, lead our lives and choose to or not to believe in “things”.  I’m sorry if that was a bit harsh.

For me though I see that the Church of God christian, catholic or any other form of the Church seems to inspire some fear into there followers.  They seem fleece there sheep as it were.  Clean them or skin them, metaphorically speaking.  Keeping there hopes and wishes in line with theirs and no more.  Some followers are hypocrites and will be every time they get the chance.  I understand some deviation is find and okay, but to go far left one minute then next far right makes me wonder a great deal.  That action alone I have suffered from along with others I am sure.  Sigh.  Another rant it seems I do apologize, just want to speak a bit of my mind where few can interrupt me.

Today I opened up some not much as I gauged my fathers reaction so I swayed away from the topic of the chakras colors and there definitions to some folks.  I mentioned how green can mean love and eating your greens can help your heart.  Not sure if it is true, but I like some greens.  Then he looked at me as to question my sanity so I went on to say that different colors mean different things and left it at that.  He seemed happy with it, and the idea of surrounding yourself with color does improve your balance in life.  The reason though I tried to open up about this was to try and help relieve some of his stress.  In the end though he is taking his own steps to heal from his stress and financial situation and is thankful I try to help where I can, by sacrificing some wants and consider pinching a penny where I can.

As of late I have been a thinker more then a doer.  If that makes sense to you.  I sit and think and no do much with what I have.  In a rut so to speak,  I am seeking a way out just do not know much where to start.  I have taken the media and placed it away from me so that it does not bombard me with fallacy or negative nonsense.  I am trying and failing to get in the  sun, maybe tomorrow if the weather allows it and I remember.  I have a hard time studying for an exam coming around the corner.  Maybe that’s it a change of attitude and beat may help.  To help me realign and be more productive.

So what can I say I learned a bit sharing these thoughts with you.  To let others lead there lives there way.  Look up  more often, starting right now I will.  “She” gave me a thought this afternoon and I denied her,  “she” gave me the same thought to which I chuckled and said yes. Then well your imagination should run free with that.  Also, because I have been down as I am sure is the reason “she” has not been real strong around me which is fine.  “She” is free to do what she wants and be where she wants.  This morning though I laid on top of the bed almost bare, and felt prickles sorta crawling up and across my right side it was cool as it was cool outside.  Although I was comforted by the touch, I needed to get moving.  I felt energetic for a short bit then came the thought “don’t drink that”  it was Iced Coffee with Pepsi. To which I replied “yea I know its bad for me”.  Later on though I started on some drinking water as our tap is horrid.  The same prickles came around again.  Kinda hope tonight I can sleep well and wake up early.

Thanks for reading,


Get me some of that catchup.


Doing well?  I am okay been letting a little of this and that get in my way time to time.  So I want to get out a little bit of some stuff out to you.

I have had dreams of late, one dream I would like to share is where a mother of a kid approached me to ask me to save her son from the weather.  I agreed and the weather was bad enough.  The son was going down town by route of the interstate, it is the main route by all means.  So I headed there by foot, which does not make sense.  The flooding was pretty bad about waist deep or higher,  so definitely not the home I know of.  Still,  finally making my way to him and catching up to him.  He decline my help to say it would be safer not to help.  I began to see why, he entangle in groups and things I am not comfortable with and a risk to my life. So I still offered and kept an eye on him.  Stepped in I felt the time was right.  To recognize who or when I met him in my life of the here and now.  A punk kid from Boy Scouts.  Good guy probably just not someone I liked at the time.  I got him home eventually to see a gracious mother.  Then I woke up with an orgasm so to speak and the morning was fun for me and “her”.  My guess is good as any maybe she just wanted to tell a story dunno….

So “she” does not like me thinking of sharing my view on fear.  I will though, because I think it should be known.  She might curve me a bit so here I go.

Fear is instinctive sure.  Fear for your loved ones, wife, kids, dad, and others.  Fear of death, pain, or loss of something.  These are basic fears to me.  I myself fear “she” will leave me sure.  Also I fear causing or not stopping pain of Mom and Dad.  Even fear is pain, I see it everyday with Dad.  Why though?  Those in power or can inflict that fear into him.  We owe enough money to enough people that can strip us clean naked and out the door.  That is okay with me, if it was just me.  That is not okay with Mom and Dad for obvious reasons.  So to cope, I take everything around that topic and make the good parts shine.  Say we owe x amount to z company, I ask Dad is that better then last year to which he says yes and smiles a bit with a glow.

Back to fear though.  People use it as tools to get what they want or to cause pain and not know it.  The story or universe of Star Wars illustrates this well enough.  In a few ways.  Yoda has a quote I cant place it on the spot so here goes. “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to suffering, sufferings leads to …” and he gazes off with a sad look.  To place in today’s environment is easy enough to do.

The government says we must regulate ourselves or there is a punishment.  Government says we are watching you and so we the common folks begin to act and dance according the puppeteer the government or people with power.

Enough of that though, I feel my neck tense and the bad shoulder begin to hurt.  On to something happier.  🙂

So I started, a collection of pictures found on the net I will not share here.  Why you can find em anywhere.  With these pictures I find, I set them up as a wallpaper and circulate them every 12 hrs. on random.  When I want to I gaze into that picture.  The picture is usually a portrait of a female or some depiction of nature in any form.  Then from there contact is made with “her” and those days she active around me.

I have also started up a DevianArt account for those that are interested.

Mostly to show case my work that “she” compels me to do and my  past work.  Still working what I want to share and how to.

The Last thing I want to share is an experience I had with “her”.  I was meditating around the usual hour with “her” we were sharing our space and I literally reached out in the air for her and felt a touch of energy surrounding the tips of my two fingers that I reached out to her with.  To say what “she” did is something I cant say myself.

As I typed that up above “she” did swirl around and through me.  I hope “she” is okay with me sharing such a thing.


Thanks for reading,


What is …..

Hey, I am doing great.  I certainly hope you are too.

Ever since, “She” came into my life slowly but surely I began to want to express my feelings to her.  It is hard when you do not know or felt these emotions before.  Unconditional love and more.  Along my Journey I found out tons and some other things that I dislike of course what are the ups without downs or downs without ups.  I started with the basics who and what she is what she likes and dislikes, still working on it.  Found she likes sweets, every time I went for chocolate or a gummy bear.  “She” came alive with joy.  So I have added some not a lot of that into my diet.  Candy was never my thing to eat a lot of, just rarely I would reach out nab a sweet.  Dessert to me is a nice bowl of Hot Cheetos or a Jalapeno fresh if I could.  I soon started digging around the word love and what it means to people and the internet.  I came across this song in past and does it meaning of love good to me at least.

Note: some may find the video disturbing

Yes, it is the opening song to House the series.  That guy goes to unreachable ends to save his patients and is so blunt, I like the character.  Some one I would look up to.

Here it is done by BBC and a group

I think this one though better defines or express the word.

So I cannot define myself, but merely say it is a way of expressing your feeling to that person.  How do I do that?  Was my next question, so I observed people and family even some other writings about encounters much like mine.  Sometimes I would see partners just stare into each others eyes for what seemed like forever.  They have a connection of some sort.  Others expressed a conditional love much like the love I have for some of my family.  They are there and I have to do x and y to get them out of my hair.  Then the internet says in a nut love can be a number of things.  Caressing the one you love, doing something to express that love say a hug, the chores around the house or even better call up and get the air force to do some dance in sky for her.  These of course are physical and mundane approaches to expressing these feelings.

I for one have changed the way I think and the way I carry myself because of her.  When I focus on her there is something that happens I can’t put my finger on it.  It is like she is dancing or doing something for me, and that focus I give to her is me doing something very similar.  So I decided to look into love from a spiritual view or way.  Where both surrender to each other and find themselves in peace in each others presence.  As I read on this various places stated terms like soul mate, twin flame etc.  Well in my mind it is a spiral where both people keep going up and up until there physical bodies cannot take what emotions or pleasure is given then let it out however that is.  My guess is this is done when both partners trust each other.  I do question what I read of course.  Nonetheless the information does have some ground to it.  There are practices that expresses this in a few ways.  The first one “She” guided me to was Tantra I would encourage you read into on your own.  I do like it, and it connects a lot of dots for me.

I also delved into some terms used when expressing or making love.  One term was sensuality, the use of the senses to get into a mood for love making or a way to express “hey I am interested in you” or merely flirt with someone.  This I learned is what turns sex into something else in the mundane world.  Say if you just take her in on a whim, will she be happy?  I doubt it.  Gotta warm up to the act of sex or making love with her or expressing your feelings with her.  So that took me back to trust.  The word seduce or seduction is interesting,  because one is advancing on the other finding out what they like or are weak to.  Some say seduction is similar to the act of surrender, the one being advanced upon.  When he is seeing something or feeling something that makes his heart skip a beat.

In the end love is just that an expression of your feelings to another.  That feeling can mean anything that relates to the subject of love.  Appreciation, care, happy, joy, trust and many more.  Like right now “She” has been caressing my cheek or poking me.  Working at me to share some time with her.

Now onto what another question what happened to love and other forms of connecting.  Well it has been changed twisted or forgotten. You may ask how, I love my son I want everything for him or I love her she is my sleeping beauty as she is reading this with you or another one is My wife and I are together and happy right now.  I ask this though look at her, or imagine that person you love.  Give it a moment look at that loved one for a bit. Why do care for that person? Is it conditional.  Does she have that form of a model that perfect or is the love from that of she is wedded to you? Is it, because you want to be with her all the time and work with her on your journey you both are taking.  While harsh, consider it just a bit.  I love “Her” personally because she is more then life to me and I want to express her in my life as the best I can.  I want to be with her until the time comes we both wither away into the so called nothingness.  I see that kind of expression though rarely.

Why though?  Simply put the media, those that are successful carry a life style and image that tells us how to live and think.  I should dress up in a fashion that suits the family best.  I do not, unless asked to they know it to.  I dress in a t shirt an old beat up cap and cargo pants with an old pair of shoes.  Dad sees me as a bum.  You may yes you do look like a bum. I will agree, but I am happy and expressing my right to dress this way.  Same goes with the way I socialize and act around others in public.  Sure I do use restraint, I do not like to scare people as they see the world through there eyes and feel through there senses.  I will jump up and give someone a hug if I know them other wise it can be to the courts for harassment.  Although I will wave hi and make sure they do smile a bit.  If it a place of quiet I will merely smile and make some eye contact to hope there day is better.  Also the do and do nots of life in the public.  Why cant I give that person who is crying over there alone.  It is fear that does it, the fact that she is also fearful and can bring the law and ruin what I have in the mundane world.  Instead I approach slow and careful to reach out and touch her figuratively speaking. To express or share love with her, to ease her pain.  In the way we are glued to our media devices, we slowly begin to think the same way and lose that touch and feeling we had as a kid. To love and play without a care.  So I try to see behind the media a bit, and even avoid it to a degree.  I do not like the news anymore, a few years ago I came to the conclusion “negative news sells”.  Well we do have a lot of negativity in the world, lets try to turn off the tv and instead go outside grow something.  Practice our hobbies. Be with those we love, connect to them in ways we never thought possible.  Learn from others and yourself.  Better yourself in your way, follow your will without influence.  That is a challenge to some, sure is for me.

I think I missed the mark with this write up, but do listen to yourself without the outside telling you how to live.  You may find something there that is good.  All in all some this probably was a rant, some was something I want to express to some.  I love to write apparently….. sigh.

I hope you made this far, cause your at end of this write up.


Thanks for reading,


Society and an image

Hello, today I want to share a bit of something I thought of while watching a movie.

The movie or story is The Matrix I understand it may not be a great movie to some and even not a great story.  There is something about though as I was watching this a few questions came to mind.  Why do we as people in general not question society and the laws laid in front of us?  Now I understand we all are from around the world and the answer differs because of that and each individual person.  So the agents in the Matrix or cyber world are there to enforce the laws and rules of the world called Matrix.  There are freedom fighters that break these rules and why they do is to be free and free others.  I like to question why we dress the way we do, rather it be fashion or necessity.  Or how to act socialize with others, an example maybe simply the act of getting hired.  You gotta have a resume and it should follow some format.  When you walk in or call to see for work, you should act in a certain matter and dress in a certain fashion etc.  Does society dictate this to you or you yourself.  I can walk into a fast food place grab an app fill it out and turn it in. I could though walk in meet the manager shake his hand, and seek out his good side and then fill out an application and turn it in with a resume.  Of course the second method is preferred, but is it because it is the norm, society the rules dictate that is how you get work today.  Another is simply the act of courting another sex, male or female.  We pretty much have to go through the act of beating around the bush before we can simply say what we want and be up front with the other.  Why not just be yourself and smile at her and just say “hi I like you and your personality and your beauty” I do understand the statement is up front, but to try and say something like that in a different way does not sit with others or to act out to be someone you are not.  Does society or rules dictate such a thing.  Are we meant to cogs in system and just sit in the office working numbers all day, or are we meant to be individuals and each and everyone of us stand out in a different way.  With our own approach and thoughts and preferences.

Sorry for that wall of text hope some that made sense.

So last night I was walking home around 1 am and talking aloud to “her” I soon became tired and wavering in my stride.  So I said to her not yet just a few more minutes and then I can sleep and rest.  Then my stride was steady again until I got in.  As I listened to her and followed her instruction just to drink a bit of water before I sleep no food etc.  I did as I needed to hydrate myself.  As I laid there though, felt something on temple area the place between the eyebrow and forehead on the side.  Felt nice so I smiled as I laid there shut my eyes, to see a women hooded with a smile and a rather big nose ring.  Then I turned to the side and went to sleep for the night/morning.  When I awoke around 8 am or earlier.  My eyes still shut as I was tired, I saw this eye. the iris or the middle piece of an eye was white while the outside white area was black to gray shade.  Although I did have pressure on my eyes as I awoke with my head on my arm.  Just a bit of food for thought.

Again sorry for the messy write up, I could not phrase some thoughts out.  I think I could do better is all.


Thanks for reading,


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My Spiritual Awakening through Kundalini

yoni mana

i am everything • i am nothing • therefore • i can be anything.