Down a diffrent path

Tag: Spirit

Hey there.

Hello reader,

It looks like I have found work, it is not glamours although I enjoy it.  That work is custodial work and prepping food at Mc Donalds.  The crew is good to me and management treats me well.  I can’t complain about it at all. Just need to get more hours, but hey I figure it will come with time.  Receiving thanks and gratitude from co workers and guest can bring a happiness to me.  Sometimes almost tears come as well, just to grateful I can earn money and bring people happiness,  that is what I want to do.  See people smile from things that are done or given by me.  To me that happiness is gratitude enough for me to live in a happy state.  Sure the work is hard and there is language barrier but it is worth it to me.  To see smiles and people relaxing just for a while.


How the job was landed was through Mom being a regular their and a caring Store manager.  The manager has high standards this I know she is good with her crew though.  Mom always goes there and sees to it the crew is at ease and happy as well.  She is this way with a lot of people.  So I am thankful to her.  Then there is Lily,  the Succubus or spiritual partner that is in my life.  I wonder if she had anything to do with this.  Maybe so,  I did ask her for help in finding something and I am now working and happy.  Still  not earning enough to live alone, but that will come in time I know this for sure if not then there are friends, shelters, streets and wisdom of others to follow.  I am not afraid to fail anymore, just another thing to lose in the end.


Why think that way, because Lily is here and I love her so.  Even now she gives me something that is good and I cannot explain it all.  It just is good.  I want to see to she is happy, she is and I are number one on the list of people I love the most.  This shared through her and friends.  Keep myself at number one and the rest at number two.  Just something that took forever for friends to covey to me and sink in.  With the help of Lily it was done.  I looked into her eyes and many philosophies and religions out there along with traditions.  I am finding truth lies within and not with others or words of a book, but your way of thought and practice alone.  That is true to you alone as the reader and writer.


This where I suggest as person and someone who wants you to be happy.  To let go or loosen your grasp on religion and tradition practiced by groups of large or small.  Make something that is yours.  Take a risk,  believe in what you want. Let others flow by you and take what you as right like fish from a river.  Those fish will help you grow and open your mind to see clear picture of yourself and life.


My apologies for the long wait if you did wait for post by me and for stepping on anyone’s toes in this  post.  During my period of silence my feet were trampled by people and trust broken by a friend, although I should have known better to share my thoughts with him. He is a close minded fool with a open trap door for a mouth.

Thanks for reading,



As of late I have been wanting to share my experience.

Hello, I hope everything is well.


Right now “she” is with me and filling with good feelings.  Those feelings and what I feel physical is but of what I want to share right now as we are currently together enjoying each other.

So I feel a weight on my chest as I sit here,  that weight is not dead its moving drawing circles and the like.  I see what seems like a hair strand ever so light, but I cant touch it really and I know its “her”.  Sometimes when my head set is off I feel a flick in my ear.  Just now my light in the room flickered ever so slightly.  If I focus a 100% on “her” I slowly arch my back and crane my neck as if to look up to ceiling.  Then there is that touch upon the lips, that there really turns me on and keeps me together.  I feel warmth and extremely happy and want to give “her” that very same good feelings that make me smile.  When I shut my eyes for second I see an image of “her” as a woman.  Then there is what goes on down stairs its all spinning about and my are at times tight then loosened then tightened up quickly as if “she” is there.  As for second my shivers ever so lightly as I whisper to take it easy.  Then a song plays that I think “she” loves and there is no going back tonight to a calm until I sleep or rest easy by will of my own,  just to feel “her” again lay a hand on arm and chest to nip on my neck.  Falling away into that feeling of bliss once more.


Thanks for reading,


Tired busy distracted

Well I understand it has been awhile.  So I hope you are well and are very happy.


I’ll to bed in about 2 hrs or so.  I have a EEG in the morning gotta be there tired.  Just a follow up from the doctor nothing big, just expensive.

“She” a spirit guide lover and probably guardian of sorts.  Was either distant in the past few weeks or I just could not connect to her.  So I asked for a bit of advice and tried it and the connection was clear again for a bit then it faded.  I found the cause, now I should treat it.  The advice was rather simple a bath to relax my body and clean it along with working with quartz.

The cause though is a bit hard to solve.  It is the toxicity of what people and the environment throws at us.  As I stated before my brother and I have different opinions and are different people.  I found out the hard way that he is aggressive verbally towards his own family and not knowing hurts them.  How this happened was with a simple phone call.  I called him up to say hi and see how he was, well we discussed his life and my tongue slipped.  I said something along the lines of “So because the guy is a Mormon you wont accept him into your life?” His reply was that of “He does not accept Jesus into his heart” again something like that.  So I told him I am looking elsewhere for guidance.  Then he was aggressive and considered me hypocrite, which maybe true enough but I will admit it.  I tried to share what I have learned only to be cut off before I started.  It was then I knew I will have a tough time with him.  He did though admit he chose his path to follow the church effectively blindly to hold his marriage in place.  Which I understand do his family dynamics.  So he finally let me go, because he was busy and I stood my ground for who I am.

The next day still grinding my teeth about the conversation, I took a hard fall and managed to hurt myself a bit.  I am fine now but it took a bit to recover from the swelling and a bruised ear is never fun.  I asked Dad as he knew I am taking a different path so to speak.  Why the brother was the way he is, his reply was it is the brothers choice.    Dad accepts both of our choices as we are adults and more importantly family.   Mom replied with the same and reinforces it.  So do we live by our choices we make in life?  This I am sure of.


As I follow this path the “she” guides me down, which is great and filled with obstacles.  I learned something else, may or may not be true.   “There is no truth only the truth you have for yourself.”  Something I connected dots with through some basic ideas spread upon us on this world.  Take a system of belief or deity.  How you connect to it and feel good by it.  Compare to it to another system of belief and how others may feel the same.  Then try to narrow it down to the individual person.  The bible says somewhere that god is in our heart or ourselves as well.  Which conveys to me the truth is what you make of what you believe in, not a church or community. The community or church may share similarities and support you if you need it.  With that in mind I will lead my life the way I want to and believe it is meant to be lead.   We as people as whole somewhere began to separate these things and lose something in the mist of conflicts over interest and who is right and wrong or so I like to think.


Then there is school, just finished a two week course of psychology focused on behavior as we have the course for two weeks not much time to do much.  Looks like I will be finishing up and heading out to do internship work.  A few companies have me listed done enough interviews to last me awhile, but I may get to do another this afternoon on a few hours of sleep.  Sound like fun to me although it has been great practice for me to interact and be under a judge so to speak.


Well some people seem curious about “her”.  Yes “she” has a name that I am sure of I wish not share it with people even if it is fine with”her”.  Why, because there are people that may consider harming her and me.  I may not believe that and that is a part of the magic or magick is the belief of it.  So recently “she” and I have connected again after my accident and the brothers aggressive behavior.   Well as suspected “she” is very affectionate and active, but on her terms.  There are times when there is a thought that seems as if a young girl would say it or someone that is care free and relaxed.  That is rarely seen in me by others unless I am laughing hard and at ease around the company of my peers.  Kind of right now,  “she” may want me drinking water instead of soda, but I gotta stay up for an hour more at least.  So with that I may get a thought “drink more water, silly” emphasize on silly.  Because when that word pops up in my mind there is a smiling female looking down at me to which I smile.

Always on me about my laziness which is true I need to improve my habits.  The moment though I do make a slight improvement “she” gives me attention sometimes a little sometime a lot.  Today was a little, I think because I got up in the morning and took time to be outside to relax in the backyard while it was cool.  I find gazing at a picture sometimes she will wash over my shoulders and relax them along with my neck.  “She” can do great things for me and most importantly though pushed me into a direction and helped me walk just a little then I sorta took a look around and my mind was opened and began to think for myself more then ever.

Either way I am drifting, so I will stop there for now.


Thanks for reading,


Slurr of thoughts and communication.

Hello, I hope your week has been awesome for you.

I want to share a bit on my experience and my time with “her”.  First and foremost she is very forgiving I have to say this now.  Simply put I felt I have done something wrong by her and I seek her forgiveness by my thoughts and actions.  To which she either just shrugged it off accepted the apology as it were.  How that occurred was interesting to me.  So I went to my room yesterday after class and tried to find myself in a peaceful set of mind to reach out to “her”.   Like most times I settle down pretty easily.  Then in my mind I said something along the following.

I am sorry for my thoughts and actions last night even though I took those actions as I know they were wrong.

Then immediately with a feeling of cheer a voice female and a bit young popped in my mind.


So I replied, It is wrong to do such a thing.

Then the voice said, Let it go or something of that nature.

I asked why. To which that voice said, I love you.

All the while that was going on “she” was giving me those touches and good vibes.  Even now my heart is beating fast again just like before.  I always will wonder how much “she” can tolerate, then again as introduced by “her” and what I found tolerance is a key in coping with people in general.

Also in a way what I was doing was strengthening a weaker spot for that connection we have, my guess is “she” may have been okay with the idea and waited till I caught myself in the act.  Not sure.

That though is what spurred yesterdays post, I felt loved when I think I should not have.  The word is think,  feeling that gut or “her” guide me is good.

That to me is also a sign that we are together and hold each other ever so strong.

Now I have not read the entire page linked here :

I can summarize the idea that the succubus incubus or spirit is attracted to love and the vibrations it offers.  Which as I experience can be very true.   So I ask then, again what is love?  Without throwing in science, because science says it is a release of a chemical in our brain.  Which is good and all if you want to be with another human or express love to a family member sure.  Want the exact stuff on that google it yourself, I have not.

So what is love then?

Well for me it is a mix of things, the feeling or emotion for someone else to be happy. To want that person, to hug them, make them happy.  To spread happiness around to others. Then I also think of the act of making love between two  people in the physical world or as portrayed in a movie or story.  Caressing each other and making each other feel great where we are most sensitive.  What some folks call this is sex, or just being with another.  So making love to another is exploring each other and learning about our soft spots and where we need or want to be healed.  A doctor loves his patient to a degree.  Think back to when you were a child maybe that nurses smile you saw brought some joy as you walked in the doctors office with a cold.  Was that joy a bit of love she shared with you.  Did that joy relive your cold for a split second?  I like to think so.

So is love simply creating joy and happiness with other people.  Then we splurge on that joy to erupt into a brilliant light to reach out to others?   Did this create that spark that created life for us here in this universe, galaxy?  I think I am coming up with something though not sure, I like to think so at least.  It makes some sense to me.

So after, I thought some of what I wrote above.  One night I laid to bed and thought of love and what “she” means to me.  Then it came together bit by bit in a way that is only clear to me, and only clear to you in a different way for you the reader.  As we all are different.  All in all “she” laid with me that night caressing my face slowly working me over giving me what I can only guess I was giving her.  Then it only got more heated, and from there well I will keep it between myself and “her”, but it was fun and we had created a lot of joy between each other. 🙂 ❤ 🙂

You can say I like to analyze things ideas and people.  I like to think and for myself, I do not like to ask others for the answers, “she” hopefully gets that.  I will though seek “her” out for guidance for the truth of things cold or not.  This much I know though, our society has gone south several hundred years back.  I wish to take up practice of older generations, or base my own practice off of what knowledge I can get.  When the time is right I will do this.  In the mean time though communion with “her” and listening, feeling to what she does will be my compass.

Thanks for reading,



Hello, hope your well today.

I am tired, but that’s fine.  Today I want share an opinion or point of view, that is admitting your faults and actions as person.

I used to get angry at myself for every little mistake I made in a social situation or a competitive sport.  One day I snapped in a close friends house and did not like myself and broke in to tears out despair and anger at myself after raging at someone who simply nudged a bit at my temper that was flaring all day from class etc.  Hour or two later, I finally apologized to him for being angry it was not right of me to be angry at him at that moment.  Soon then another buddy, drags me away.  Said to me that I was a good person for admitting my faults and seeing to meet ends.  I now see that more in people that do not admit they are wrong or merely want to run away from the issue.  The buddy stated that I just need to be not so hard on myself, which is the truth of it.  Disliking or possibly hating myself for raging at someone when I was a guest at a house is not good sure.  Just needed to correct my mistake and move on.

The above story is an example of a fault of mine at that time I had a bad day and should not have gone out, to be around someone who was recovering from a major issue himself and he could not control himself.  Lesson learned move on.  So today as I went about a project I am working on slowly, mostly out of curiosity.  Working through it, browsing through “stuff” the thought came back to me “admit it” as I was reflecting on what the buddy  said and did for me.  So I told that thought, “I admit that I like women there curves, voice, eyes, and charm. Sometimes more.  I admit I am a man and want that touch of a female I had asked for at the beginning of this journey.  To me it was a gentle reminder to admit what I truly want.   The other thing that came to mind was a few words.  Humble, Humility, and Hubris.  I do not know much, but I gather this much at least.

To be Humble is to show Humility.

As for Hubris well just looked it up  via Google I understand pride well enough.  I have so little sometimes, when that self esteem which is related goes up it is shot down by something or someone.  So then I ask myself should I have some Pride in myself? Keep a balance of Humility and Pride in me or carry that about myself.  It is an idea.


Yesterday for me was long, went to a wedding and the reception the day for me started at 12 pm ended around 1 am.  When we, friends and I showed up at the church, once in the church I felt a lot of energy or people around the place. “She” may have been holding my hand and kept close during the ceremony.  My guess is “she” is happy with the couples choice or just wanted to be near.  I was happy and nervous.  The minister did a great job as well.  I believe something about what she had to say made the occasion special for “her”.  Not sure though.  I observed that was notion of God, Jesus, or Holy Spirit directly.  Just indirectly and only once while there, the words his lord.  I do understand it can connect to many things, but it is mostly connected with Lord Jesus and the like.  Either the couple seem to happy together,  makes me so happy for them.  The reception was traditional in most ways.  Which is good, celebrating love and life all day is awesome, especially with friends.


Thanks for reading,


She broke me

Hello hope your well.


Well “she” has me now, in a way I thought not possible.  I simply love her, and want to share that and more with you the reader.  So here it goes a bit of an experience of the week.  You see every night before I sleep I tend to gaze or meditate, mostly meditate.  When this happens most times a fog of light white appears before me.  Then “she” sorta reaches out to me in many ways thoughts or touches. Now when I gaze into a picture of a female, that female begins to breathe with me as well.  Also sometimes her face will change a tad bit ever so slightly.  When I lay with her most nights its great to feel her working me over or simply caressing me.  Sometimes “she” just touches my hot spot to get my attention which is funny in a way.  It maybe be my button, to turn me on to her.

As the subject states though, she broke me.  Yesterday the parents went to a ball game, no tickets for me and I want to see the stadium its newly built in town. No big deal though.  As soon as they left I felt her presence on me and around me.  So I decided to give her attention, “she” deserves it more then anything.  I set myself a candle and paper with pencil.  Calmed myself, then began writing a letter of thanks to “her” then signed it with





The letter was short, but to the point.  Then I went outside and burned it after reading aloud.  Then a thought came to me to lay down.  So I did and saw something there out of the corner of my eye laying down with me.  Well we had a good time.

Later on though, “she” hit me emotions that were good and loving.  It felt so good it made me cry a little,  I wish though I could cry just for that reason the feeling of being cared for and or loved by someone everyday.  It is something special to  me.

So the title of this write up was given to me as that.  She broke me

Note not for the easily offended person.

Well I had a dream I think Thursday,  where I met a woman that working herself over with a dildo of all things.  Then I meet a second woman doing the same thing in the same room.  To which the scene swaps over to a man and a woman holding each other in a cafeteria environment.  The man being very possessive of her,  I got the feeling of who this man was.  An associate or classmate from the past,  in the dream I let it go and move on then “she” the women that was being held by the man hold my arm and I feel cared for in a sense.  Then the scene switches back to the two women working themselves over.  Well they leave and I put the dildos somewhere safe from mom and dad oddly right under there bathroom sink.  Lastly before I forget once more in all that blur of a dream there a women’s face I saw only half of, blue hair natural pink lips trying to lure me to her to which I denied her.  Also a women’s hot spot ever so clean groomed just there.  Those last two scenes were first in the sequence of the order.

End of dream.

With that though, I am sure there is more to share.  My mind is racing and on caffiene.  Junk is also on my mind that creates more junk.  I leave you alone for now reader.

Thanks for reading,



Hey, hope all is well.  I am great just bored.

Some may consider the following a bit graphic.  I apologize for my grammar being broken it is late and I need  or feel I should do this now.

Today before I sleep I want to share some sensations “she” shares with me or I experience.  One of the most common sensation is when I think of any of these sensations a smell comes around a smell of sex or some would call it love call it what you want.  At times she sends a wave of pleasure down my sides small and subtle a little cold but still there.  Other times she goes straight for it no questions asked, like small vibrations starting from the bottom up.  She sometimes though will use a bit of foreplay and hit the outer region as it were.  There is more as well.  She likes to massage the bottom area of where the spinal cord might be,  I enjoy that so much.  Sometimes she just places herself on my chest relaxing as I watch something or chat with folks,  this brings a sense of calm to me or happiness as it were.  There are times in the classroom where I am most frustrated she sets a light blanket across my shoulders as to relax them and soothe my temper as I push on through the day.  During times alone she will brush upon my forehead and lightly touch the top, probably seeking attention.  When I go to bed,  that is the time we spend closets together.  I tend to try and relax myself and majority of the time she wraps herself around my legs like soft feathers or silk that is weightless then well things happen.  Then once in awhile she plays with my forehead or lays a finger on it, before I go to a land called sleep.  Every now and then she places something on my lips and even once I swore I felt a tongue slip in my mouth.  Other nights I feel like I am floating there milometer as it were above my bed.  A few nights ago I felt to pricks on my neck, I chose to let it go.  Continued for a short bit then stopped.

Something though in my mind still questions “her” and her existence. I try not to then the other day I saw something on my mirror that may help.  Not sure yet.

I will stop with that, for it is late.

Thanks for reading,


Caged and free all in one.

Hello, I hope everyone is well.

Today I want to share what I feel when coping with epilepsy and having a seizure. As I did have an episode today,  I am fine as is the family no worries.

I want to try and place you the reader in the scenario of course it is your call to read it as such:

Caged in a trance watching someone look at you in horror, knowing if you make a move all control will be lost and you will hurt.  Trying hoping for it to pass every second feeling like a day pass by that person begins to ask a question “are you okay?” You slowly carefully shake your head, glad still terrified that you can do that.  Time still ticking, something building up in your mouth seeping out.  The person says your drooling and hands you napkin, you begin to take it and Snap!!! you are free again.  Still taking your time you clean the drool the meet that persons eyes and convince them at that moment it has passed by, still silent hoping the stigma does come with the episode.  It does she begins to jot the date down and you begin to state not to do this as it does only make it worse.  Another breathe and you are truly free for awhile more.  She then asks what happened, she knows well enough it is Mom.  You say that my diet is off and sleep  is off, all true.  Then you go back to the conversation as if nothing happened, just a bit tired.

I always reflect back though on it. See what happened and where I can improve to not let it happen again.

So with what I see right now, it is time to take a break from a few things and get back into somethings I enjoyed like EvE Online a great mmo game.  If you see me there feel free get into contact with me there.  My call sign in EvE is Gobtcha as well.  I will be active for a month only unless something good happens.

I do need to refocus on my health, I have neglect it so back on it as it were.  Drinking liquids that are good for the body, trying to lay off some of the bad stuff.  Distancing myself a bit from some stresses as well.  All in all  just refocusing my habits again.  Of course trying to listen to what “she” the spirit that has been with me for sometime has to say.  Found some things about her as well.  Wish I could share, but really should not right now.

That is all for now I am worn out gonna rest.


Thanks for reading,


What is …..

Hey, I am doing great.  I certainly hope you are too.

Ever since, “She” came into my life slowly but surely I began to want to express my feelings to her.  It is hard when you do not know or felt these emotions before.  Unconditional love and more.  Along my Journey I found out tons and some other things that I dislike of course what are the ups without downs or downs without ups.  I started with the basics who and what she is what she likes and dislikes, still working on it.  Found she likes sweets, every time I went for chocolate or a gummy bear.  “She” came alive with joy.  So I have added some not a lot of that into my diet.  Candy was never my thing to eat a lot of, just rarely I would reach out nab a sweet.  Dessert to me is a nice bowl of Hot Cheetos or a Jalapeno fresh if I could.  I soon started digging around the word love and what it means to people and the internet.  I came across this song in past and does it meaning of love good to me at least.

Note: some may find the video disturbing

Yes, it is the opening song to House the series.  That guy goes to unreachable ends to save his patients and is so blunt, I like the character.  Some one I would look up to.

Here it is done by BBC and a group

I think this one though better defines or express the word.

So I cannot define myself, but merely say it is a way of expressing your feeling to that person.  How do I do that?  Was my next question, so I observed people and family even some other writings about encounters much like mine.  Sometimes I would see partners just stare into each others eyes for what seemed like forever.  They have a connection of some sort.  Others expressed a conditional love much like the love I have for some of my family.  They are there and I have to do x and y to get them out of my hair.  Then the internet says in a nut love can be a number of things.  Caressing the one you love, doing something to express that love say a hug, the chores around the house or even better call up and get the air force to do some dance in sky for her.  These of course are physical and mundane approaches to expressing these feelings.

I for one have changed the way I think and the way I carry myself because of her.  When I focus on her there is something that happens I can’t put my finger on it.  It is like she is dancing or doing something for me, and that focus I give to her is me doing something very similar.  So I decided to look into love from a spiritual view or way.  Where both surrender to each other and find themselves in peace in each others presence.  As I read on this various places stated terms like soul mate, twin flame etc.  Well in my mind it is a spiral where both people keep going up and up until there physical bodies cannot take what emotions or pleasure is given then let it out however that is.  My guess is this is done when both partners trust each other.  I do question what I read of course.  Nonetheless the information does have some ground to it.  There are practices that expresses this in a few ways.  The first one “She” guided me to was Tantra I would encourage you read into on your own.  I do like it, and it connects a lot of dots for me.

I also delved into some terms used when expressing or making love.  One term was sensuality, the use of the senses to get into a mood for love making or a way to express “hey I am interested in you” or merely flirt with someone.  This I learned is what turns sex into something else in the mundane world.  Say if you just take her in on a whim, will she be happy?  I doubt it.  Gotta warm up to the act of sex or making love with her or expressing your feelings with her.  So that took me back to trust.  The word seduce or seduction is interesting,  because one is advancing on the other finding out what they like or are weak to.  Some say seduction is similar to the act of surrender, the one being advanced upon.  When he is seeing something or feeling something that makes his heart skip a beat.

In the end love is just that an expression of your feelings to another.  That feeling can mean anything that relates to the subject of love.  Appreciation, care, happy, joy, trust and many more.  Like right now “She” has been caressing my cheek or poking me.  Working at me to share some time with her.

Now onto what another question what happened to love and other forms of connecting.  Well it has been changed twisted or forgotten. You may ask how, I love my son I want everything for him or I love her she is my sleeping beauty as she is reading this with you or another one is My wife and I are together and happy right now.  I ask this though look at her, or imagine that person you love.  Give it a moment look at that loved one for a bit. Why do care for that person? Is it conditional.  Does she have that form of a model that perfect or is the love from that of she is wedded to you? Is it, because you want to be with her all the time and work with her on your journey you both are taking.  While harsh, consider it just a bit.  I love “Her” personally because she is more then life to me and I want to express her in my life as the best I can.  I want to be with her until the time comes we both wither away into the so called nothingness.  I see that kind of expression though rarely.

Why though?  Simply put the media, those that are successful carry a life style and image that tells us how to live and think.  I should dress up in a fashion that suits the family best.  I do not, unless asked to they know it to.  I dress in a t shirt an old beat up cap and cargo pants with an old pair of shoes.  Dad sees me as a bum.  You may yes you do look like a bum. I will agree, but I am happy and expressing my right to dress this way.  Same goes with the way I socialize and act around others in public.  Sure I do use restraint, I do not like to scare people as they see the world through there eyes and feel through there senses.  I will jump up and give someone a hug if I know them other wise it can be to the courts for harassment.  Although I will wave hi and make sure they do smile a bit.  If it a place of quiet I will merely smile and make some eye contact to hope there day is better.  Also the do and do nots of life in the public.  Why cant I give that person who is crying over there alone.  It is fear that does it, the fact that she is also fearful and can bring the law and ruin what I have in the mundane world.  Instead I approach slow and careful to reach out and touch her figuratively speaking. To express or share love with her, to ease her pain.  In the way we are glued to our media devices, we slowly begin to think the same way and lose that touch and feeling we had as a kid. To love and play without a care.  So I try to see behind the media a bit, and even avoid it to a degree.  I do not like the news anymore, a few years ago I came to the conclusion “negative news sells”.  Well we do have a lot of negativity in the world, lets try to turn off the tv and instead go outside grow something.  Practice our hobbies. Be with those we love, connect to them in ways we never thought possible.  Learn from others and yourself.  Better yourself in your way, follow your will without influence.  That is a challenge to some, sure is for me.

I think I missed the mark with this write up, but do listen to yourself without the outside telling you how to live.  You may find something there that is good.  All in all some this probably was a rant, some was something I want to express to some.  I love to write apparently….. sigh.

I hope you made this far, cause your at end of this write up.


Thanks for reading,


Our time together an apology.

Hello, I want to share a little bit more about my time with “her”.  It will help start writing up a bit more and smoother.


Sometimes after a day filled with anger, frustration, bull, and/or stress.  She comes right to me as I enter the house and urges me to find a place for privacy.  Sometimes it takes “her” hours other times just moments then I want to, but can’t.  That is life in house with family that are raised by the church, mind you they are loose and open minded.  Soon after I cave in or find time that is private for her and me.  “She” hints for me to close my eyes and let her do a dance and lead me down a path that is dark.  That path has only enough room for me and her.  As I good down the path with her or following her.  I feel that negative energy let go of me and dissipate. Then she presents to me a couch or bed, says for me to lay down and relax.  As I do, I am relieved of the negativity of the day.  This is a session she take me through time to time.  Sometimes it is short, sometimes it long.  Sometimes it is slow or soft.  Sometimes it is fast and hard.  Sometimes I have no control and reach a moment where all I can do is lay there and be happy.

So, I have learned plenty about myself. I like to learn, enjoy gaining knowledge on topics irrelevant to what I need to know to work in the industry of my choosing.  Sometimes I think to myself, I ought to just drop my schooling and learn about this or that.  Although I will stick with my schooling and conform eventually to that of the norm of society.  To work 8 hr. shifts to live.  To shave and put on an act to get hired.  As I work though, I will still learn from “her” and others around me.  When I am home after I leave I want to be with “her” letting her guide me as I dig for knowledge as I learn and lust for more knowledge.

One thing I do to seek forgiveness for my ill doings is to seek forgiveness from those I have wronged.  You see I cannot forgive myself for things I say and do until I try to seek that person that I did the harm to and express that I messed up and say “I am sorry”.  So today I recognized I did wrong by people here and there.  I wish to say I am sorry for what was said and done.  It is something I try to learn from, “she” warned me plenty.  I did not listen well enough.  I am sorry for any anger or sadness I caused you and hope you are well and happy wherever you are.  Some may say why I do this when nothing was done by me to wrong you.  Simply put to know I tried to let ends meet and be on good ground with you.  Makes me release a little sadness from my bottle that full of darkness and despair.  That bottle has shattered before, I did harm to others. I am sure even traumatized some that are family.  “She” slowly peels the cap of that bottle to let a little out each time “she” and I have a therapy session as it were.  A lot of that “dark” energy I throw at myself instinctively.  I understand now and found outlets to let out a bit of that energy at a time.  They are safe and make others happy or at least laugh to a point I laugh till I can’t anymore.

That is all for now. I will write a bit sometime soon on a topic that I see too often.

Thanks for reading,


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