Hello there, I want to share so many thoughts tonight.
As of late I have been studying more and more for another certification in my field. I hope to do well for it. Frankly though when I study, “she” is around trying to convey something. You see communication at least to me is very difficult between us. I can pickup on obvious signs when “she” is okay with doing some things like laying around or spending a bit of intimate time together. Other kind of signs are harder though. While “she” lifts my spirits when they are down, “she” also seems to push a little and send a thought like, “lets go for a walk” to get me to focus on her for a bit. Some days are just harder is all I guess. Today was not though really that hard.
Now if you have read what I shared here you might remember a mentioning of me being molested or raped. Well “she” pushed me to ask a bit about exactly what rape and other types of sexual assault is or are. From the facts I found and saw I was raped in technicality at age of 16 by a friend that thought we were “really” close when he was curious. He apparently took advantage of me when I was asleep. So he revived a curt elbow in the rib, but in my mind it was too late. That then and there is where He drew the line and we were distant since then. Now after a decade I think I can let go and be free of that lingering thought along with other accidents that occurred due to my kind and naive heart.
Ahh yes, I had a dream the other day. Forgive me though it has faded a little bit. That day I had paid a visit to the campus to take care of Financial aid. The dream sorta takes place there and in the time I was there sorta. It started I was sitting in the office waiting for financial aid lady to call me in. She was busy that day. The lady at the counter was uncomfortable with the silence and I was there sorta moving to a tune in my head. Then she popped a question “whats your favorite music?” well I replied differently then I actually did. I said “P.O.D.” There music is actually great a good up beat most of the time. Right then the dream swaps around a bit and becomes a bit graphic. So a bit of warning here:
I began to try and shove my ding dong into the center of the cd and of course it wont fit. Then I thought lets try the Rob Zombie album no good either as I felt a presence come around and I quickly put em in my drawer while in bed apparently now, just to wake up with energy like feeling surrounding what is down stairs. Then I fell asleep again to awaken refreshed as my morning began.
I am also noticing that Dad has more tolerance then most. He does not fear but merely wants to understand. Also speaking of Dad I learned that our debt is improving a tad better. Time and time again I check myself to see.
Also this is about the 3rd time this happened this week out of nowhere really. With “her” on my mind and “things” going on I would see a trail of vapor I want to call it, nearby where I felt her or something on me. Kinda bizarre at first, but I accept it. It can be just dust in the air with the wind we get and our dry climate. Although I disagree and “she” disagrees as she just sorta smiles a tad.
p.s. one more thing that pot of seeds I setup has indeed given growth I wound up drowing them but I have reseeded and growth appeared today.
Thanks for reading,