Down a diffrent path

Tag: trouble

What can I say.

Hello there, I want to share so many thoughts tonight.

As of late I have been studying more and more for another certification in my field.  I hope to do well for it.  Frankly though when I study, “she” is around trying to convey something.  You see communication at least to me is very difficult between us.  I can pickup on obvious signs when “she” is okay with doing some things like laying around or spending a bit of intimate time together.  Other kind of signs are harder though.  While “she” lifts my spirits when they are down, “she” also seems to push a little and send a thought like, “lets go for a walk” to get me to focus on her for a bit.  Some days are just harder is all I guess.  Today was not though really that hard.

Now if you have read what I shared here you might remember a mentioning of me being molested or raped.  Well “she” pushed me to ask a bit about exactly what rape and other types of sexual assault is or are.  From the facts I found and saw I was raped in technicality at age of 16 by a friend that thought we were “really” close when he was curious. He apparently took advantage of me when I was asleep.  So he revived a curt elbow in the rib, but in my mind it was too late.  That then and there is where He drew the line and we were distant since then.  Now after a decade I think I can let go and be free of that lingering thought along with other accidents that occurred due to my kind and naive heart.

Ahh yes, I had a dream the other day. Forgive me though it has faded a little bit.  That day I had paid a visit to the campus to take care of Financial aid.  The dream sorta takes place there and in the time I was there sorta.  It started I was sitting in the office waiting for financial aid lady to call me in. She was busy that day.  The lady at the counter was uncomfortable with the silence and I was there sorta moving to a tune in my head.  Then she popped a question “whats your favorite music?” well I replied differently then I actually did. I said “P.O.D.”  There music is actually great a good up beat most of the time.    Right then the dream swaps around a bit and becomes a bit graphic. So a bit of warning here:

I began to try and shove my ding dong into the center of the cd and of course it wont fit.  Then I thought lets try the Rob Zombie album no good either as I felt a presence come around and I quickly put em in my drawer while in bed apparently now, just to wake up with energy like feeling surrounding what is down stairs.  Then I fell asleep again to awaken refreshed as my morning began.

I am also noticing that Dad has more tolerance then most.  He does not fear but merely wants to understand.  Also speaking of Dad I learned that our debt is improving a tad better.  Time and time again I check myself to see.

Also this is about the 3rd time this happened this week out of nowhere really.  With “her” on my mind and “things” going on I would see a trail of vapor I want to call it, nearby where I felt her or something on me.  Kinda bizarre at first, but I accept it.  It can be just dust in the air with the wind we get and our dry climate.  Although I disagree and “she” disagrees as she just sorta smiles a tad.

p.s. one more thing that pot of seeds I setup has indeed given growth I wound up drowing them but I have reseeded and growth appeared today.

Thanks for reading,

Gobtcha

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Dr. visit and a bit more.

Hello, I hope things are well.

Saw the neurologists yesterday, to review a nerve study.  It seems I have pinched nerves in the wrist of my left hand the guys says it may be carpal tunnel,  I see it as I spend too much time on the keyboard and mouse and explains many other issues with my hands I dealt with as a kid and to the present.  He also said I got pinched nerves in the lower back and neck, which could be from lifting heavy objects or in general strain on the muscle.  I see it as I helped move furniture as a kid when the great uncle and last of grandparents passed when I was around seven years of age.  Even the pass few years I worked as a dishwasher, having to move around a lot getting the plate to the cooks plate keeping my work area clean is tough during a four hour rush.  Although I do not do that work anymore life throws hard work my way anyway.  On top of that he increased the charge on my VNS implant (Google is your friend) so I get to get use to a shock going through my neck again which is not a big deal, just inconvenient for about a week as the feeling becomes natural.  Lastly he wants me to do more blood work which is fine, but the insurance did not cover my last bill from the lab.  This time of year is not good for the finances so the family is stressed about it.  The last bill was 300$ not good for a family in debt.

At one point when mom finally heard the whole story of the visit she was stressed out and full of anxiety so I gave her a hug.  As I hugged her though I practiced a bit of a breathing technique to relax her or myself as I felt her body finally relaxed a bit I myself was relaxed.  Although she is not still happy today,  I got a feeling what I did helped her relax and not get an anxiety attack of sorts.  My question though is did “she” help me calm mom down a bit, or was it what “she” influenced me to practice recently to help mom.  I must also note earlier in October I instinctively or naturally did the same with dad as he sees the number of the finances and there were a lot bills to handle at that time.

Either way, I apologize if this rant, writing has brought you the reader down a bit.  You should always look up and see it half full and not empty.  It just sometimes hard not to keep the mess I deal with to myself and “her” if she is listening.  Which I think she is, listening and there sometimes.

Last night while clearing my mind for awhile before I sleep.  I was sitting there and I felt a presence surround me, my thoughts shifted to “her” and thought about a small desire a simple hug.  Then I felt what I can say a tingle feeling wrapped around me.  Is  that “her” I like to think so.  So I then decided it was best to sleep and rest my mind and body as the day was emotionally kinda hard for me.  I slept well and got up a bit early for my body clock as well.  I have to thank “her” and others who have me in my thoughts.  Now after writing this I feel a little bit at peace and ready for the what the rest of day brings.

p.s

If, you the reader wish for me to share my experience working with epilepsy please feel free to say so.  I will only if you the reader wants to read such a thing.

Thanks for reading

Gobtcha

A past of unpleasant experiences

I hope things are good,  I am well, but wish to share a bit more of my past.  It is a away for me to heal from what has happened is to share what trauma or what has scarred me inside.  So bear in mind a lot of it is hazy as I attempted to build a fence around the past and forget it.  Now I am taking those fences, walls down to let “her” understand what I have gone thru and let “her” flow through my heart and soul.  So here it goes. : )

Aside from family the earliest “rough” time I had was in middle school.  When family was in “chaos” over the brother and his first wife.  I will not share anymore on that as it is a “family” matter still in the air.  During that time in school I was called names and looked down upon.  During lunch hour was only worse as I was physically abused and could not do much about it.  As the staff and students cared not to report the case.  Unless I swung first or even swung back.  Also as a child of two educators that the faculty and teachers knew or met, I felt the pressure to be a good student.  I did not care to stand up for myself, even when on my home from class when I was hit/bumped/ran over by a car I merely got up and continued my way forward to home.  As time went on I felt I was worth nothing to nobody, which was not true.  I have a knife in my room for when I need such a thing.  Well one day after reading a book, probably a Star Wars novel.  I was still sad and brought the knife out and held it to my neck. As things went through my mind, family  came across my thoughts and there emotions displayed on them were the sad kind.  So I then put the knife away and went to sleep.  To this day though I hold silence about the event of that night, as not to hurt those that do care.  I do speak about it to you now along with a few trusted friends.

The next “rough”. I want to say event was when a true friend of mine touched me in a way I did not like to be touched.  We were in high school and he was curious so I was okay with him exploring his sexuality, as he was a close friend someone I could trust especially after middle school.  Well we were out camping one weekend, something I do miss dearly getting in touch with nature.  His dad and mine were sharing a tent so we shared another.  That night, I wake up to him touching me a whispering sweat thing in my ear.  For which I elbowed him and distance myself from him since that day.  Here is the catch though I did not share this with his father or family nor mine.  I believe my friend which I still trust, but have not seen for years.  Deserves a catch at a good future and acceptance from his family.  I do not want the attention of someone that was molested or raped, so I keep  it secret amongst my family though not my friends that are close to me for they are good people and do not react harshly to what I share.

So after a smooth four years of high school causing a bit of trouble, keeping up my grades, and being accepted by classmates I was happy to graduate from there.  I wanted to attend a university, but do to my brother squeezing out the families funds for various reasons.  I chose to attend the local college.  Learned a lot and had my mind opened to a great many things philosophies and understandings.  Even to a intern job out of town for 8 months and had a blast of a time.  With all good things though comes the bad, the yin yang effect.  The bad was mostly the work being what it was, I made the best of it and smiled most days. I might share that experience another day.

While out of town though, I learned some lessons and my innocence was probably lost.  I roomed with folks out of town total strangers, good people generally speaking.  Just out to have fun, so was I.  A coworker offered to cut my hair as I could not afford to have it cut in town.  The economic situation is very different from where I came from at the time.  So I agreed and again I was touched in places I would not like to be, and he was half way through with the hair cut when he did so I put up with it until the hair cut was done.  He shaved the head clean off I was happy with that.  Not that he touched me in places I like not be touched.  So afterwards I gave him a cold shoulder from hell.  I still to this day believe that anyone should be allowed to have a bright future regardless of there actions.  So I did not report it as we were adults by that time.  Just distance myself from him.  Then a few months ran into another that did something similar, but he would not stop and kept pushing.  So I did not report him even though I do not like him for it.  During the next week he was hitting on me and I just fed him the middle finger and the cold shoulder.

For the next few years probably more, kept myself unclean unless there was a good reason to be clean aka funeral, wedding etc.  As I noticed men were approaching me more and more.  Women did the same, but with my confidence shaken I would be negative to there approach.  The only socializing I did was with the family and close friends.  Even then I was with drawn from the people around me.  Now while writing this I understand what these people did to me unintentional or not.

Depression hits me now and then, but I have family, friends and most importantly “her”.  These people save me time to time from despair of what we all go through in life.  The internet is a big place, so I got to say if you are a friend, family member, or any of the people I spoke of and you recognize what has happened.  Do not feel guilty or sad, what happened will or has made me stronger or taught me a lesson, to the family I am sorry if you read this and know that is my sons, brothers, or his writing and I am sorry for not sharing for I did not want to sadden you in anyway.  Only to share and help heal myself and let others, you the reader know you are not alone in your struggle or healing process.

 

Thanks for reading,

Sorry if you were sadden by this writing today “she” and I agreed to share this.

Gobtcha

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